moody

i guess it's a late night and i just can't go to sleep.

spent 4 or 5 hours just to program about 130 lines of code for a website i'm trying to make for my friend's family's business, listening to music and sermons off and on about what Christ did on the cross. this post is titled Moody, simply because, if you read my last post, i guess things weren't going so well. i'm wondering if it's simply my tolerance of sin that i know is sin that seems to be sapping life and joy out of me. since joy is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, how can i expect to be truly joyful without any obedience or submission to the Spirit?

a couple of weeks ago, i had an exhilarating run, in which i really think i felt God. i hit more mileage than i intended to, locking into a pace that was almost comfortably uncomfortable. and it seemed that He laid out my life in front of my eyes, saying that as long as i followed Him, i really would have that fairy tale ending - that things really would be pure and beautiful and even more than i could ask for. in typing this up, i don't know how accurate this could be - well, God's primary motives aren't to let us be comfortable here, not to make us prosperous as if our happiness was the big picture. i guess it's part of the story, though - it's undeniably a fruit of the Spirit, something you get to enjoy along the way.

i've been kind of wondering what my life will become lately, if i will never stop working for Him. at times, i think that i couldn't really feel surrendered to Him or happy with a programming career. at other times, i think i could get so pumped programming and serving Him in this area - i think about programming for the government against injustice instead of inconvenience, so that i would actually be making a positive difference in the world. i don't know if i'm stressing, but i recently came up with a 10 year plan with Suzi, though a bit of a joke - and realized later that it was almost directly against Scripture that said not to exactly plan for the future like we had any control over it. but to take it a day at a time and letting God do what He wills. i hope He does do what He wills in and through me, because that would be so much better than what i have - which is nothing, besides confusion.

Jojo asked me about finances a couple of nights ago and i haven't been able to shake the questions since. how am i supposed to live? do i just play the rules of the world to make the money to support my family? do i have to? it's downright irresponsible to not make money and work hard... i guess the intent simply shouldn't be to make a lot of money so you can say "look at how great i am," but maybe it's fine to work hard even if you don't enjoy it because what it will mean for your family and their well being. maybe that's what sacrifice really means.

one thing i never realized was that Jesus became sin in our place. i used to always look back at my relationship with my dad and kinda try to blame things on him, saying that i don't know any better and i can't know any better because he was never there for me. but if Jesus took on our sin, that means we are offered His righteousness - it's like we take on who He was as He takes on who He was. so instead of having a father who i felt i couldn't confide in or really go to with anything - i actually have a father who would give me everything, anything, for my benefit - there's nothing that i'm missing. i actually am complete - so i don't really have any excuses, because Christ has literally taken all sin upon Himself.

and to be honest, i recently realized that i don't have a lot of friends, but i do have friends. and the few friends that i have are the quality that overrules any quantity. i really don't have much to complain about. there are people around me who would really support me and love on me, but i simply haven't been humble enough to allow them to be my brothers and sisters. being back in tulsa and just getting to hang with chance and jojo and jerry and vincent really is a great relief.

i pray God teaches me what it is like not to put on masks and pretend to be someone else. sometimes i do get pumped about Him, sometimes i just get tired or indifferent or simply lazy. sometimes, my ugliness is so obvious. i pray God teaches me what it means to come after Him like He is new, like He is who He says He is - to step away from all of my preconceived notions and my mental limitations and let Him be mighty to save, jealous in love, like a Lion to my sin and my excuses and yet like a Lamb as well. i pray God teaches me how to read His Word like i've never read it before. what it means to live to Him and not care what others say - to really see this life ultimately as an exchange between me and Him.

God, humble me. take away all of my vile thoughts of judgment and pride. take away all of the obstacles and stumbling blocks, that You would simply have all of me, and may it be a sweet, sweet sound to Your ears.

what i hate to admit

where will honesty really get you in this world?

what i hate to admit is that my life doesn't really seem driven anymore. things just seem to lose shape, meaning. and it's hard to live life when you just aren't sure it matters, if you don't have a grasp of the bigger picture, that it's okay to go through all the things that you do, that it might even be normal. some people say that life is what you make it, and i guess that's true to an extent. but you can build your life on lies and rubbish and eventually watch it fall to pieces.

what i hate is that i guess i'm supposed to be an adult now. why the heck was i rushing through college? suddenly, i have to throw away my dreams because i have to give my money and my time and my career to that which will satisfy others. i have to stay in school for the next year because it's the thing that simply makes sense. i have to care about whether or not i have a large salary, because i'll have a family to take care of, not to mention my own family. it seems that everyone was paying attention when TI said that life was all about fancy clothes and cars and making sure everyone knows who you are. but i just don't want to care about affluence.

i don't care about a freaking degree, about social popularity, about the size of a paycheck. and someone will come up to me and say that i don't owe this to myself, but to everyone around me. my family and my teachers and my closest friends who put up with me, who were willing to invest in me to watch me do something with my life. and the truth is, maybe i'm not supposed to live in a nice house and try to work my way up the social ladder so that i'm a household name. maybe i'm supposed to be the most anonymous person here, and maybe then i can make a difference and do something i enjoy.

i'm really just talking. i just need this all to be more than trying to stay out of trouble - i need something bigger to live for, a bigger story, a bigger purpose and meaning. i know i run the risk of people seeing me talk like this, pointing fingers and looking down on me, saying "how far he fell." (at the same time, maybe no one will ever read this.) and all that criticism is just sucking the life out of me. i used to believe that i could do whatever i want - that if i just put my mind to cooking, i could do it - it's not that hard. or i could put my mind to automobile mechanics or petroleum engineering or a saxophone or whatever. i used to think i was special. but going nearly three years without friends that stuck it out to the end right there makes someone wonder who they really are.

give me words to speak, a life to live

dear God,

Your name be lifted high. to You, what man is righteous? what man can be considered awesome or perfect? God, surely not me. but how great it is to be in Your presence, to be blessed with the sensation of Your love and even Your chastening, to be Fathered by You. to have a close friend and a refuge in storms of all sorts, sound counsel and wisdom - You are my provision, an open heart and ear, a kind word, a soft voice. i'm glad that You aren't an obnoxious voice - for You don't need me for Your own strength, but yet You are wholly given to me.

God, I ask that You would turn my life around, make it all about You. i pray that, in everything, i remember that none of this has anything to do with me, that my righteousness is like a filthy rag. may only You be seen in me, for my glory is like a vapor, like a flower passing away.

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back home in Tulsa for a couple of days, first time this semester (though i've been to dallas and Florida). it seems like it's been so long - but really, i guess it's only been a little more than two months. everything is good, i can't complain. i guess i'm just kinda hit with softness though. i want my life to be a testimony to Him, to be something He can be proud of, delight in, enjoy. may He have my all...

give me a life to live

i hope that things are looking up again.