is this perfect?

in discouragement, i'm beginning to wonder if i am somehow in the perfect situation for God to use me in the Asian American community here at OU. i've already given up multiple times, made friends and lost them, formed leadership and lost it - in fact, i've fallen apart in my faith on an all-too-frequent basis and no one claim that i have any righteousness of my own. i feel like i only have one more real year on this campus and it seems my two hugest fans (the Asian American student life director and the old CRU director) left within a year of pursuing EPIC. additionally, i am in no way a real part of the Asian American community - and while that will probably be necessary, wouldn't it be outrageously cool and even Biblically consistent if it was really the weak outcast that was used to make a difference for the glory of God.

if this really ends up happening, no one will even remember my name. but there will be a difference that is undeniable. and so, i ask, is this perfect?

may i be transformed from the inside out, believing and trusting God in faith that He can do absolutely whatever He wills through me in any duration of time He wants, in any way He delights, and through whoever He wishes to involve. may my love be from Him and may my first steps be to do the dirty, menial work i so despise. to sweep away at the cobwebs of broken relationships, to initiate on the people i think will never change, to pray and be moved for those who could even talk behind my back. and may His name be lifted high because my life really is just a breath... i gotta do something with this quick breath. and by His grace and glory and favor, maybe it will happen.

notes on John 8:1-11

some things i note from the passage (help from http://www.biblegateway.com/resources/commentaries/IVP-NT/John/Jesus-Forgives-Woman-Taken):

• the woman was caught in the very act of adultery, but the man was supposedly not held accountable - what was the penalty or the law for the man who she had been caught with? from Lev 20:10 and Deut 22:22-24, the man should also have died. she seems to have been simply a pawn being used to try to frame Jesus - her actual life was not important to the Pharisees or scribes
  
• the Pharisees and scribes were apparently trying to trap Him so that they would have something to accuse Him with. if Jesus sided with the law and said the woman deserved to be stoned, His forgiveness and compassion would have been undermined. if He had not sided with the law, the Jewish people would not follow Him (His credibility would have been ruined)
• the Pharisees and scribes allude to the law of Moses, which was written by the finger of God (originally, or second?)
• after being questioned, Jesus also goes down to the ground to write with His finger, as if He is not necessarily rewriting the law (for it is fulfilled in Him), but He is showing that He has authority - He was the one who wrote and gave it in the very first place. His authority is later highlighted in that He is the only one left with the woman caught in adultery - He is the only one who has the right to condemn her
• Jesus says that anyone who is without sin can throw a stone at her. not only does no one throw a stone, but everyone turns to leave. it would have been understandable that no one threw a stone, but the fact that everybody left? it might have so cut to the hearts of the crowd that they were forced to look inwards, knowing that they were in no way different from this woman caught in adultery
• Jesus is left alone with the woman, just as we ourselves will appear before Him, face to face and one on One. all of other accusers will have nothing on us, for our sin is ultimately against God alone (Ps 51). Jesus then does not condemn her, but makes a point of commanding her to sin no more. Is this command to consciously sin no longer, as in a direct reference to her adultery?

God, would You take this undeserving heart and make me to lie down in green pastures? that in the midst of all of this turmoil and hype, chaos and confusion, You would hedge me in, speak slowly and still, calm me down, that i may see Your provision, that i'm still surrounded by Your love, that You are still committed to finishing the work You began in me.

would You transform me from the inside out, take my heart that is so prone to wandering, so quick to anger and quick to speak, and change everything. throw out what doesn't belong, the trash in my life i ironically adore, the rubbish i center my life around. please clean me up, create for me a new heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

it's a new year, but my sin stays the same, my battles refuse to let up. God, how You would work in and around me if i finally put away my idols from me and rested my attention on You. how You would transform and renew if i truly responded to Your call, to serve another in love, to follow Your commandments with a reckless, selfless abandon, even if i don't seem to understand, even if i don't even feel the guilt i supposedly should. make me like a son, i plead. Abba, Father.

amplify and magnify. may my faith be established, may obedience and diligence and longsuffering be before You. for You paid the price, You Yourself set me free and destroyed the law, nailing it to the cross. i've been set free, for You were the One who was bruised for my transgressions, spit on and ridiculed for my sake. how then, could i possibly say i don't owe You anything? how could i possibly reason or ignore Your sacrifice to say i can do whatever i want - i'm not even my own.

God, according to Your lovingkindness, according to the multitude of Your tender mercies, according to what You've done, have Your way in me. not that i have anything of any worth, not that i have done things the right way, not that i've even followed with diligence the law. not that i have anything that could compare to Your love, not that anything in this world is anything aside from You. let me forsake this world, to run from it with joy and endurance and understanding - that One has come who is mighty to save, a Savior by nature, a Lover and Redeemer, Deliverer and Defender. not to tip toe the line of grace, but to run as far and as hard as i can away from this world, the law, the things that have enslaved me.

may You have all of me. and though my heart is so prone to wander, Lord, keep it here with You. You are my Lord, the Lord of Lords, a sovereign King, a passionate Lover, a selfless Friend. You are greater and bigger, You're there when i'm not. You're faithful when i'm not. You're loving when i'm not.