turn me, o God.

a softness grazes my heart, sweeping across my body. a cold, gentle air surrounds me. worship fills the background as i sit on my couch, the room lit by a single lamp and the haze of the laptop.

God, lift high! hallelujah, You're mine. You are mine.

for the first time in weeks or months, my relationship with Suzi is what it should be. it used to be such a big deal to be able to find God in the mundane for me. today was like that. i think i spent about 3 hours today in a prayer room. i woke up before classes and prayed. i went back after classes and spent time in 1 corinthians.

Suzi and i broke up.

i felt like there was so much weight lifted off of me. it was like all obligation was lifted off of me. worries of being good enough, of whether things were right consumed me, though i can certainly only say that in retrospect. i felt free, finally free.

and still, i kinda struggle. today was a good day, but i feel that on a bad day, i will begin to start questioning, worrying, freaking out about my identity, feeling as if i needed Suzi. and so i hope i don't seek quick satisfaction, the false security of being in a relationship, of being held or whatever. i hope i don't fall to temptation, but that i can present my body like a present to God, something that i could be proud of, something that would say with more than just words that "i love You."

so i hope today will be a turning point. i hope i won't resist the Lord in everything that i do. i hope i won't deny the person that i've become, but i would still turn from those ways, those insecurities, and allow myself to be both affirmed and changed in the Lord. i could really use some confidence. and if there's anything to be confident in, it is the Lord.

i guess this is why the post is called 'turn me, o God.' because i just pray today would be a turning point. Sunday, i walked out of church in the middle of the worship set (i was actually up playing rhythm guitar) because i just couldn't take it. i wasn't sure what was going on, and i felt like i hated who i had become, like i was so bound, so burdened, so obligated, that the very reason of being in relationship had been distorted, forgotten.

i pray i wouldn't be naive or ignorant or stupid about things, but that i could really have a heart for You, God. that i wouldn't require anything of You, that i would follow unconditionally, with my everything. that i wouldn't use You for myself, and that i would really commit to following Your plan, for not seeking a wife, for not filling up desires for affirmation with a girl, for not filling up desires for intimacy with dishonoring touch.

God, please reverse what i've done. i don't want to have caused hurt, for the impurities that i caused to be held against her. God...it's just that i know You make clean again. You make pure again. i know i screw up, still, even when i don't realize it. and i was fully conscious of when i was screwing up. i guess all i can really say right now is that i want to turn from my ways. i want to run back to You, Father, to be wrapped up in Your arms forever, that i wouldn't so easily become calloused and hardened to leave Your side, to forsake Your name, to stab You in the back.

i pray - You've made things all right. You make everything glorious, You make everything new. i'm just as much in need of You today as i was the day i was born, as i was the day i first believed. i need You anew, with my all. and that's it. that's all i need. You'll take care of me, i know You will. don't relent, i pray. just be who You are. i'm going to respond, to run with reckless abandonment again, with foolish faith, with childlike love. restore to me patience, humility, wisdom. restore to me Your presence, energy, life. for Your glory and no one else's, for there is no other God but You, and none save, but You. all others steal, kill, and destroy and deal treacherously with our sufferings and exacerbate our sins. but You set us in the right with You. You pursue us with a valiant fury, and it is our pleasure to be the objects of Your delight, Your love, Your holy and divine romance.

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2 classes at TCC. RA job in the fall means i won't be living in the Christ on Campus house, but will be making money at least - i do feel as though it is God's provision, being able to have the job. praise God - i may be completely covered for the next year of school. EPIC still looking up. TCCC guys group has been simply amazing for the past two weeks, and i'm leading tomorrow night - i pray that it will be something extraordinary, but if God does not give me words, i have nothing to offer. if God does not stir us up and be the center of our attention, we will only have what man has to offer. i don't want to settle for anything less than Him.

two more weeks of TCC, four weeks until i'm back at OU for orientation and moving freshmen in. once school starts, things will again be a blur. being in school right now, though, i can see as a huge blessing. i actually kind of enjoy it, and i enjoy the opportunity so much more than not really having any direction for my day.

how can i be praying for you? comment it and i will.

here're my prayer requests - not to fall into temptation, but to run with a renewed passion and conviction. to respond to God's vulnerable pursuit, and to return in vulnerability, to learn His faithfulness and love, to be convicted of purity and want to give myself blameless and spotless to Him. not to seek a wife.

on a final note - psalm 34.

thanks for reading