hey guys. doesn't seem like i've written for a while. today was my last day of school, and i'm a bit glad that it's over. it did provide me with structure - i managed to get used to waking up at 8 in the morning and spending time with God before class started at 9:30. when i first found a prayer room in Asbury's Venue 68, the first couple days, i would go there before classes started and returned once i got out. that's also where we began to do most of our Bible studies. and there were lots of studies. Tuesday night guys group, Wednesday night EPIC group, and it was my privilege to get to co-lead with Suzi for her small group for the past two Thursdays.
---
who i am today
i wrote that recap a couple of days ago. in two weeks, i'm leaving back for OU for some job training. looking forward to the Labor Day Retreat in Missouri maybe the second weekend of school, and definitely know that things will be a bit intense trying to keep EPIC going with momentum. hoping to meet a lot of new people and grab a lot of lunches (though also to stay on top of my classes...and in relationship with God)
these past couple of days, i've really just been struggling with thoughts. i'm not sure what exactly it is, but it seems like my momentum has been shot down, and some of me is just burnt out and tired, but it's not so much that i'm physically tired. i haven't had much energy or patience with my church lately...it's just kind of that i honestly don't want to be there. it's like i'm not getting fed there. still, at the same time, i don't think i'm really in the position to judge the church. if i'm not happy with it, am i not to step up and do something about it? rather than sit back and criticize. or just change my attitude. where truth is spoken, growth is potential. it just kinda depends on whether the subject is desiring growth.
about a week or two ago, i started reading Wild at Heart for maybe the fourth or fifth time. i've gotten through the first three chapters - or even just the first chapter - for the very first time. i guess it's just a hard book to read. it's even harder to try to watch the supplementary DVDs, because it's always gotten me thinking that John Eldredge thinks that what makes a man a real man is love for the outdoors and farming and knowing how to fix cars and get women to like you, like men have to be adept in fishing and camping and hunting. i realize that Eldredge really isn't saying these things at all, just that men, by heart, enjoy adventure and like a certain level of danger and risk, flexibility and spontaneity in their lives. we aspire for the challenge to overcome, to be the guy who comes through for the girl of their dreams.
i guess i'm writing this post in part because i was driving home from suzi's house wondering what i want. what i want out of life, what i want right now. what i am essentially living for. and the thing is, i had been helping suzi lead twice about relationships, and i kept on trying to echo and live out Paul's commands in 1 corinthians 7 (v 27) about how single men shouldn't look for wives. and how we should be completely content in our singleness - that we shouldn't even realize that we're missing anything until God addresses a need and then meets it, as God did with Adam. and it's like i'm not ready to be in a relationship - there's still so much emotional garbage that i need to take care of that i really don't deal with at all. there's still so much that has yet to be done, that may even just take time, before i should tell a woman that i will be all about her and provide for her and be reckless and fearless for her sake.
it's just hard.
in a world of instant gratification and fleshly desires going haywire, demanding satisfaction - it's hard to make it through a single day. God never said it would be easy, right? well, He still provides the ways out, and so there's no excuse. one important thing in marriage, i think, is to be able to say that you had your parents' blessing to get married. a bigger thing is to be able to say that you had God's blessing to get married. and i hope God would bless my marriage when it comes.
my Bible reading/quiet times have suffered drastically from the initial discovery of the prayer room in Venue 68. i stumbled into Leviticus and got some excitement, but i just feel a little at odds with God right now. i really haven't been praying that much lately, and i just don't really want to go to church on Sundays anymore. my prayers kinda feel like they just hit the ceiling and come down.
what do i desire?
i know the right answer, but i don't know if it really is so true in me right now.
two more weeks to go, and i have no idea what i'm going to make of it. getting into HTML/JavaScript/CSS like i've never done before to put together the EPIC website (i developed one in Flash, but i don't think i'm gonna stick with it). final Bible studies for TCCC guys group and EPIC seem to have a lot of potential, and then some big basketball nights on Thursday and Friday (we just found out about a Korean church where they play basketball on Friday nights)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment