the crap we do

Jesus' disciples ask Him, "who then can be saved?" and Jesus replies "with man, it's impossible, but with God, anything is possible."

this has been one of the nights that i just want to forget. all the judgment and whatever aside, i want to say that my God is so much greater and bigger and truer than me. never look at me to try to understand who God is, because then you won't have even a slightly accurate picture or conception of Him. i feel almost marred by such a conservative background. when i hear of people going partying and drinking, i'm not going to deny that i almost immediately get a bit uncomfortable. and that's kind of who i am right now, but i really believe that that's certainly not who God is.

i put myself in situations where i hurt myself over and over again. i am like a sheep - i wander into the same trap over and over again, hurting myself, being stupid and drunk and ignorant about it. i don't want to address the facts of anything, i just want to quit and be content in my own excuse for a life. my downfall is porn and masturbation. i fall into it over and over again.

i'm so stupid disqualified. are you any better? i can't say anything, but i wish i could. if i try to condemn you, i only condemn myself, or i only judge myself. i want to tell some people to stop thinking so highly of themselves, to stop putting themselves in stupid, dangerous situations, and the speck is in my eye too. i am so oblivious and unaware to how blessed i am, how everything is a gift, how lowly i really should be, and how undeserving i truly am.

a Christian is not someone who hates another person because they are of a different religion. a Christian is not someone who is ever any better than anyone else because of their religion - and it's such bullcrap for a Christian to even have the word "better" in their vocabulary, because Christianity has never been about being better than anyone else.

a Christian is not someone who hates another person because they may be homosexual and does not hate another person if they party or drink or have sex before marriage. if anything, Romans 1 says that God is angered at our unrighteousness - not us, but our unrighteousness. God is not mad at us - but He is mad at the stupid things that hurt us, the harmful situations we get ourselves stuck in, those things that hinder us and only make things worse, the things that make us believe that we must change because we're not good enough as we are right now. He's mad at the lies that society portrays, mad at the lies that people who need answers end up believing, mad at the way time wastes away when our hearts, so prone to wandering, fall into despair because of the cruelty of the world and because our hearts have forgotten what God's voice really sounds like.

so i want to clarify and say this - i don't care what you do, how you do it, or what you look like doing it. if it ended up hurting you, i hate that thing. if it's drinking, i hate that society has made that kind of abusive drinking cool or popular or fun. i hate the social and societal pressures, the false promises of satisfaction, justification, and fulfillment. are our eyes really so blind? all of our eyes - including mine? can we not see what is hurting us? can we not tell whether something fulfills or not? are we really so helpless that we cannot keep from these paths we said we wouldn't fall into?

finally, i want to come back to this. i believe God so desperately because i need Him. i need someone so much bigger than me, so much truer than i can comprehend, so much larger that my life means more than what i can understand. i need Him to love me when i don't deserve it - because i know what a failure i am already. i need someone who stays faithful to me when i am certainly not faithful to me. i need Him to be there for me every step of the way, even when i start running away from Him. that's what i need. love and grace and truth and joy and purpose. that's why i believe in God, and there's no other real reason. take away my God, you take away my life. to live is Christ - there's nothing else without Him.