stopping to smell roses.

baggy pants frayed at the bottom. mat kearney and paul wright music. a new pair of running shoes. anticipation. the good kind of tension. determination. staying awake when you should be falling asleep. pursuit. intimacy. come as you are mentality. humility. comfortably cold weather and a yard of grass that has just been cut. a mind set on things bigger than life, bigger than imagination.

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i wrote those thoughts in april of 2007.

i adopted this notion of integrity as doing the things that no one would see. i remember there was one morning at school, junior or senior year, i just didn't feel like being at school. i think i was tired or i was just sick of it all, and i just didn't want to be there. i called my sister and asked her what she thought i should do, and i don't remember what exactly happened, but i ended up staying. another time, i called my sister and said that i was turning in my English homework a day or two late every time because i wanted to spend the right amount of effort on it instead of turning in something thrown together at the last second for a good grade. and she said there was something called integrity... it was a balance between giving your all and still meeting deadlines. i guess doing what you could do in a timely fashion.

what strikes me is that i've been going through ups and downs lately. spiritually, physically, mentally. two tests this week, another next week, going to sleep at unhealthy times, and it seems like my passion for God is wavering. i still read...i'm going through Matthew and around James/1 Peter...i don't know. after this morning, i felt at odds with God. by the end of my classes, i was singing Everything by Lifehouse over and over again and perhaps praying in my heart, and i felt like things were great again.

i...realize i had this kind of conviction or something about two years ago in New Mexico. this thought that all i wanted in life was to be God's, to be claimed as His, and that would be my identity and i would be okay with that. lately, i think i've kind of forgotten that. identity has become wrapped up in so many different things, things that have to do with fitting in with a certain crowd and with looks and even sometimes with morality...identity comes in the form of so and so's boyfriend or girlfriend or the kid who got the highest score on his math test or the guy with the 4:03 mile. and i start to realize and actually feel in my heart that... there is a reason we need God.

because without, all we have is this law. our identities can get so wrapped up with who we hang out with and what we do that it is almost like our identities are based upon insecure and corruptible foundations. if i'm the 4:03 mile kid, what happens when i can no longer hit the 4:03? am i suddenly...worthless? what happens if my relationship breaks? am i helpless and broken? what if you really are me, someone who feels compelled to pretend and maybe even twist personality to fit a status quo, to find acceptance?

i guess this is the same spot that i was in my freshman year of high school. looking for friends, looking for refuge. the funny thing is that, as high school went on, i grew farther and farther away from people at school. i ate lunch by myself, hardly talked in some of my classes, and spent nearly the whole week looking forward to the Friday night i would get to spend with my youth group and with God. i actually didn't care about who saw me or not. i had an answer, and it was greater than anything school or popularity had to offer me. i could be myself...come as you are mentality.

and so... after these couple days of running around with my head cut off, man. may i return to my higher calling, an identity based and rooted in God. paul makes it clear that he could brag as much as he wanted, but he always seems to introduce himself as a bondservant of Christ. towards the end of the gospel of John (i think it was John), John stops mentioning himself or his name, he just calls himself "the disciple whom Jesus loved." may i take my eyes off this world, off the status quo, off pretending and off fitting in... and in integrity, with eyes fixed on God's reaction, may i pursue Him and walk worthy of His calling, knowing that it has already been promised to me and my good works have already been planned.

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hopefully things'll start looking up. looking at the prospect of China this summer, and...well, i don't have class until 10:30 tomorrow. so...God give me strength, i pray. max out tomorrow. let's go.