Marquette 07 (nearly uncut - thoughts and activities)

7/6/07 – Introduction
Leaving for Michigan in about two hours, the youth group mission trip. We'll be there for just under two weeks, and these trips have always been something special because there's a lot of God in them. It's the combination of God and being away from home and out of your comfort zone and kind of only having your agenda be "find God" for two weeks that makes the whole thing different from any other two week period in the year.

And that's kind of honestly what I'm counting on. I need my heart to be opened up again, because it seems that I've been so calloused lately. I mean, I don't really talk to God anymore, or maybe I do it out of compulsion, or some impure intention, but... I'm not really alive in Him. and though I know I'm not alone in the youth group with this sentiment, I also know that it's not citywide or nationwide because I ran into some seriously on-fire people yesterday night who were heavy in the spirit - in which case, the God they know is so much more than the God I am looking at. Additionally, it is not hard for me to believe about this God or hard to believe in my need for Him as a Savior, but is somehow so much more difficult to let myself go or believe that I'm still okay in His eyes, and that He would in fact die for me.

Anyways, I still have been blessed and His work is still going on around me, but it seems that my spirit really has been sleeping for these past couple weeks, with the exclusion of Africa. So I am hoping, so intensely, that this trip is the one to change things. And it's a first for a lot of people. It's my first time to be a small group leader, and we're leading eight Bible studies as well as getting to step up as leaders to whom others actually look up to. So I need to be writing a Bible study right now on Jehosaphat and how he won this nearly impossible battle simply by worshipping God. The other leaders are Ruth, Billy, and Lydia, and Cynthia, Jeff, and Bonnie are in my small group.

It's the first mission trip for Sherri, Vincent, Bonnie, Jerry...and they need this. Sherri and Jerry are hungry and looking forward to this heavily (I think), and I don't really doubt that they will take huge steps towards God, and I am hoping so much similarly for the same with Richard and Jojo. And for Vincent and Bonnie...I don't know. I have my doubts. But I used to believe... no matter who the person was. If we got them on a mission trip, they wouldn't be able to help but change.

I know it'll be a good time. But I need more – I need for things to change on this trip. I need to have a moment when I'm actually talking to God and I know that this is what I'm supposed to be doing and I know that I will stand for God against absolutely any opposition and that I don't have to worry about it because God’s got my back. And I need to know that I'm going to do absolutely anything in my strength to stick with God, knowing full well that this isn't enough and that grace is the only thing sustaining me. And I need to know it's all about mercy and I'm an idiot whenever I choose pride over grace, and that this isn't about me. I need to learn all of these things, and then I need to come home and make it happen. My life needs to be changed and stay changed.

What would God think if He read this? [Because He probably has seen it...] Would He smile or would He shake His head and think, "he just doesn't get it," or would He be mad? Would He regret making me a leader in the youth group as He did Saul or would He hesitate to give me work knowing that my faith is deterred? Is He waiting for me to get serious so He can make something happen in just the same way I have criticized Vincent and Bonnie? Or is His silence because I'm somehow in the right and He is teaching me something? Or have I fallen completely out of it in self deception and I have made myself my own god, simply continuing to tell myself that I have stayed true to God's commandments?

And it occurs that a relationship is all I need. Morals are one thing, but faith is another, and it's not a blind faith. Maybe it's a blind faith now, because I have such an abundance of unanswered questions, but the real Christian faith isn't blind at all because you have the Holy Spirit in you and you know what's going on because God is still going on.

Anyways, when we come back...I hope you won't recognize us. I hope I don't recognize us. I hope we'll be so foreign to everything that we won't know what to do, so we'll just have to keep going with God, though we won't become prideful idiots completely disconnected from reality.

Mike used to always say that if God met you in a place, something would have to give, and it wouldn't be God. Well...I hope that that's what's going to go down. I hope...

7/9/07 – Late Sunday Night – 12:40 am
First full day in Michigan, we arrived around 3 or so. Billy and I stayed up until about 5:30 talking about his Bible study, Luke 15, about the prodigal son parable and what it means to be honest and how we have deceived ourselves with the fake church when we think we are really living in the Father’s house.

I woke up around 10-ish and went running, and it was surprisingly hot. I ran on a bike trail that runs along Lake Michigan – to the left was the lake and a harbor and mountains in the background and to the right was downtown Marquette, highlighted by tall buildings and shops. Lake Michigan is literally not more than a half mile away from Mike’s house. I stopped by the shore and prayed for a bit, and realized that when God strips everything away and you have nothing left and are faced with the impossible, pride and self-righteousness can no longer survive. You realize how much you need God in those times and how you couldn’t have earned what you have just by works – that you weren’t as good or self-sufficient as you had thought you were.

I came back and felt grace and took notes on the story of Jericho and Jehosaphat and eventually everyone woke up and we went to the beach to swim while Mike’s parents, along with Lisa and Bonnie, stayed and made breakfast (though it was around one in the afternoon). The water was so intensely cold that we could hardly get in the lake, though the sand was scorching hot on our feet. After breakfast, we returned and actually did some swimming, not to mention people burying and sand sculpting (Cynthia and Addie made a man choking himself and they even used my shoes). We came back for dinner (burgers) and hung out for a bit. We had a leaders meeting and then the whole group assembled for worship and later divided into small groups to talk.

Our team – Chuba Chewbacca Cabra – is Cynthia, Jeff, Bonnie, and myself. From our leaders meeting, we had been given two questions to ask our group that would not only get us talking and familiar, but get us thinking about who we are, where we’re going, and what we’re trying to get from this experience. And it was pretty good, because we all started being honest. And I’m glad I could have heard what was said, because it helps me see what they are going through and what their lives are made of, but I’m more glad because I realized I wasn’t alone and that these were people I could identify with, and that the things they are doing are actually out of a pursuit for God, to show the world something they hadn’t seen before.

And for one of the first times in a while, I felt confidence that we would pull through. That our God was entirely mighty to save and it was only us who were standing in His way; it was only us who were refusing to let go and lift up our problems and issues, when these in fact, were not our battles to fight, as it says in the account of Jehosaphat’s battle. All of what we go through, we don’t have to go through – we are supposed to lift everything up to God so that He can do what it is He planned – He can fulfill the work He started in us and ultimately get what He wants. We aren’t supposed to fight – we are simply meant to position ourselves and watch the glory of God’s salvation – we’re supposed to let go and surrender. And in our small group meeting – I felt like we were finally being honest about things and how we didn’t want these two weeks to be just another two weeks in our lives, but a point of change and healing. And I think this desire for intimacy and revolution for God, perhaps all combined as a body united in their seeking of the Lord, is what will make the difference.

I think we’re at a breaking point. We’re all getting less comfortable, seeing new things, seeing that there is a lot riding on this, maybe seeing that it’s all real for the first time. And that’s what we need. We need to know this is really happening, and if there were ever a chance to meet God, this would be it, because we have nothing else to even think about for two weeks.

Who are you? Only God can tell you what you want to hear, what you can know is true. Where are you going? You decide.

I fear plenty of things here. I fear that my lack of skill or courage or strength to fight will mean I will miss out or that I am somehow defective. I fear I’ll move away and fall out of communication with Mike and my sister and Billy. But for at least a moment, I had confidence that God would get His way and all my fears wouldn’t be able to survive.

7/11/07 – Late Tuesday Night – a little past 2 am
They would only let those over 16 actually work at the construction site, so everyone besides Ruth, Lydia, Addie, Elaine, Cynthia, Matt, Phong, Jerry, Billy, and I were working at a thrift store called St. Vinny’s, running various jobs like labeling items, moving couches, sorting and handling clothes, etc.

At the construction site, it was mainly us along with our construction supervisor, Norm. The first day we spent on the roofs, laying felt and drawing chalk lines and nailing masses of shingles while another group began building a deck/patio for the front door. It’s cool because they were expecting the roof to take us at least two days, and we finished it in the first day with one group while the other made huge contributions to the completion of the deck.

Today, our second day, I joined the group working on the deck and we finished it all and it was fun running around taking measurements, making cuts, drilling in screws. We also moved the scaffolding around the house so that work could continue on the other side of the house. I think we’ll be going to a different construction site tomorrow to do some dry wall.

Since we have two different groups of volunteers, we’ve been meeting up after the work days at some public pool at Presque Isle for free showers and a killer water slide. After the long day, it actually does turn out to be a huge relief to see each other again and swim around and swap stories about the day’s happenings; for example, Jeff is undefeated against Jojo (three wins) in chugging water (half liters) and he even drank three fourths of a liter faster than Richard drank a half liter. Jeff is a pretty intense eater/drinker.

Yesterday night was amazingly tiring, and after dinner and a leader’s meeting that lasted until nine, I was not only very tired, but for some reason, irked beyond description – like mad without reason. Instead of going to sleep, I ended up at the beach to catch an amazing landscape – blue and purple clouds, the shiny gloss of the water (the sun doesn’t set until around 10:30). In a tired and frustrated condition, we tried to do Bible study at around 11, 11:30 pm. My small group went pretty horribly – we were talking about Ruth’s study about Saul’s disobedience in battle, how doing the “right things” aren’t as important as obeying God’s commands. I’m not sure anybody got much out of it.

At 12, I was talking to Billy outside on the porch about how mad I was that I had hurt my big left toe breaking my work boots in on the roof and couldn’t really run at all and how I was just generally dissatisfied or upset with the way things were going. Anyways, he threw the suggestion that we go running and I couldn’t turn it down. Not more than a mile away of nonstop running, we sat down on the Lake Michigan shore and caught the reflection of skyscraper lights bouncing off of black water, multitudes of stars shining overheads, putting Tulsa to shame. We talked about life and what was on our minds – things about God and girls and dreams and how surreal it is to be in Marquette trying to find God. Things got a lot better after that, because I could see how when things aren’t going my way, I still have plenty of things to rejoice about and the mystery of despair and I could remember how low lows lead to even higher highs. Among other things, I felt great again because God was there.

Today was a good day, after that walk with Billy through Marquette so late at night, joking around and talking about getting fired up again and what God was doing in peoples’ lives. This morning was one of my easiest mornings to wake up, despite only 4 or 5 hours of sleep, and when I tried to wake up Jojo by steamrolling him, he sprang up on his sleeping bag, saying “Hecks no!” which actually woke everyone up.

We worked at Habitat and then to the showers and came back for dinner. Our team, Chuba Chewbacca Cabra, had kitchen duty and Billy’s team (Rockstar) went to go to Mike’s family’s church, First United Methodist Church, to get ready to serve dinner the following night to members of the church as well as others as some sort of outreach ministry. The other teams were doing laundry. When all of the teams reconvened, we took the vans out to Presque Isle to jump off waterfalls. My sister jumped off (which is a big deal for her) and I jumped off with Billy, and it was actually a lot of fun and not that cold until I got out of the water (I understand that confidence is more important in this situation rather than actual swimming skill). We came back and Lydia prepped us for her Bible study about Gideon in a leader’s meeting and we started in our small groups around 11:30.

Later, in small group, we were talking about Gideon and things were hard at first and we read nearly two chapters before we even started talking (and two chapters is a lot), but we ended up getting into a pretty good discussion about what strength is to God and how Gideon burned his father’s altar (which would have been deserving of the death penalty). We talked about how Gideon asked God for signs and God granted his requests because Gideon wasn’t expressing a lack of confidence in God, but a lack of confidence in himself and his ability to clearly hear God. And we talked about how Gideon was just being honest and himself when he was asking God for all these things and if he had denied this and simply followed God, then he might have ended up with a blind faith; not only did God tolerate Gideon’s questions and doubts, but He understood them and did what He did to bring Gideon to a secure and confident relationship. We talked about how Gideon was the lowest member of the lowest family in Israel and yet he was the one chosen by God to deliver Israel out of seven years of captivity and he was strong in God’s sight because he was the one who had enough guts to burn his family’s idols down and replace them with an altar to God.

Anyways, it was a good conversation, though Bonnie fell asleep and seemed to miss the whole point of the discussion. The whole thing lasted until about 1:40, talking about David Blaine and cultural Christians. After this though, things started getting bad.

7/12/07 – Late Wednesday Night – 12:50 am?
I didn’t go to sleep until around 3, and so waking up at 8 was probably my most difficult morning. I wanted to escape from the youth group and just forget about things. I had some preconceived notion, I think, that today would stink, which it pretty much did. The group that worked at Habitat was extended to include Jojo and Richard (less than a year short of the required age) and we were supposed to split up into two groups to mobilize to another house to do drywalling, though no drywalling actually got done. Elaine, Phong, and I stayed at the house to work with our supervisor Norm on the deck while everyone else went to the other house and installed insulation in the walls and did some caulking.

We left at 3:30 straight for the shower in Presque Isle because we had to be at the church to serve dinner by 5. We worked there, serving whoever came in for dinner and washing and loading the plates, doing drink refills, and playing piano and other forms of entertainment, for about three hours. We met some cool people and saw where Mike went to church as a little kid, and Jeff played Franz Lizst and did a magic trick and had everyone amazed. It was loads of fun, and if being a waiter in a real job were like what it was tonight, then the job really would be about the people and not the money.

At Habitat, I began feeling a bit inept because I felt like our supervisor Norm was out to get me. So we were cutting off two huge beams sticking straight up out of the deck and I was the one using the saw, trying to prove myself, but the saw got jammed under the 6X6 beam and pretty much just vibrated violently in my hands for a long time. When I finally pulled the saw out from underneath the beams, I opened my hand to find it was soaked in blood – two blisters split open. So it hurts, trying to move my thumb around, but I think I will be better in a little bit – my bruised left big toe is fine and healed after two days of breaking my shoes in.

Things truly are different here. After serving dinner at the church, we headed back to Presque Isle to buy ice cream and meet up with one of Mike’s good friends, before heading to a cliff to jump off into Lake Superior. (Only Vince, Bonnie, and Jojo jumped, and Jojo was still shivering from the cold after more than an hour had passed.)

It was ISAS, freshman year, I think, when my best friend Zach started ditching me for gain the attention of a different social sphere. Today felt like the same thing was happening with Billy, which I dreaded immensely, because I need him. I take it for granted a lot, but if he wasn’t here, I would have nobody real to confide in who just seems to get me and is going the same places I’m going. We were up on the cliff and when he asked if everything was all right for maybe the fifth time that day, I said for the first time that they weren’t, and we went on a walk through the woods. I told him that I feared I was losing him as a friend and that I was freaking out because I needed him and we both ended up talking about honesty and God and there were a lot of unanswered questions that were asked and both of us were getting kind of mad and we couldn’t seem to understand. I left him saying that he should wrestle with God and let God contend for Himself just like the elders in Israel let Baal contend for himself against Gideon after Gideon burned down Baal’s altars.

So I left him and was mad at God for a bit. But I eventually started talking smack to the devil, telling him that he could have me and that I didn’t even want me and he could take me to hell because it didn’t matter – the devil still never had anything on God. And so demons might get in my way and separate me from God and drag me to hell, but all that really mattered was that God would get what He rightly deserved – my attention, love, and surrender. Spiritual warfare…it hadn’t occurred to me that my distance from God could have been the result of spiritual warfare, and so I had been blaming myself, but I think it is entirely possible demons have been getting in the way and I don’t realize their holds on me.

Anyways, I think God was really working on Billy and it was a breaking point, because after I left him, I eventually returned at a distance and saw him crying, saying “Just shut up!” I’m not sure exactly what happened in that time, the two of us completely separated from the youth group, but I think it was good, and it seems like the whole youth group could wake up just because Billy had the guts to cry out and scream at God and show his dissatisfaction and actually act on it instead of stuffing it in and hiding it. Because Mike had to come find us and nobody could leave without Mike driving the van, and Mike was talking to Billy for quite a while and everyone else was left waiting, wondering if things were okay. And I went back and said it was spiritual warfare, things going on with God, and I asked them to pray for Billy and Mike, and I think it might have woken them up, because they saw a leader go to huge lengths to try to make things right with God. So people were praying and I even got to talk to people using Billy as the subject matter, talking about how things seemed unnecessarily difficult between him and God and that it was inexpressibly important to be able to be with God.

So Billy is doing alright, though I don’t know exactly what is going on with him. We got back home and I talked about my Bible study of Jehosaphat and worshippers, but we actually opted not to have Bible study that night since nearly everyone was falling asleep, including the leaders.

And things are good again – between me and Billy. I really don’t want to see him fall. I think this is a breaking point for a lot of us. We go camping on Friday or Saturday and Mike has just started saying that he thinks it’s really going to be something special and that the Holy Spirit is going to be there. I would really love to see that happen.

More to come. God is doing great things right here in Marquette.

7/13/07 – Friday midday – 1:37 pm
We were working at Habitat again, finishing up the roof above the deck by sliding huge sheets of wood over the risers and then nailing them down. After this, we drove to another site (Habitat is currently working on three different houses) and did the dry-walling, some form of insulation mounted before the real walls are put into place. Mike and Ruth went to Vinny’s thrift store, where everyone under sixteen and Lisa were working, because they were shooting a commercial and the entire volunteer group was going to get to be in it, though the commercial would only air around the Marquette area.

We went home after YMCA and I actually fell asleep and was eventually woken up for dinner, which was some pretty amazing – fish, potato, and a spinach-strawberry-apple salad…and Vernor’s, no doubt. After a while, we played a bit of worship as a whole group and then split into small groups to do my Bible study on Jehosaphat. Though I had prepared the study and written the questions and a thesis, I still didn’t really know what to talk about until we had actually sat down and I was talking.

I talked about how God loves us and wants to be with us and if we love Him and truly want to be with Him, then what was the big deal? We should simply be together, but there’s a battle going on in between us, something like spiritual warfare.. and this is like Jehosaphat being faced with a battle against three different nations and ultimately having to choose whether he would continue to worship God or freak out and decide to battle or act out of their own strength. And the battle is so much bigger than he is that Jehosaphat is almost certain of their death and doesn’t know what to do – but he keeps his eyes on the Lord and refuses to turn away. He chooses at that moment to “set himself to seek the Lord,” and that is the only way he ended up winning the battle – because the Lord fought against their enemies and overcame their battles for them. [In the same way, my ability to speak should not bring me pride, but should reinforce the realization that God is sufficient and rescues and it’s only by His hand and words that I said what I said.] Once the Lord delivered them, those of Judah spent three days picking up their enemies’ treasures and returned from the battle to worship God some more – they knew they had seen the impossible done by God alone and were giving Him their attention and praise.

After the Bible study, everybody loaded up into the vans and we headed over to Marquette Mountain to catch the sunset over the city. It was pretty cold, and we missed the sunset, so we had to settle for the remnants of the sun peaking through the clouds in layers of blue, green, and red, atop city lights. After that, we went to another spot because Mike wanted to show us something, and Richard led us back to the vans afterwards. When we got to the vans, Mike, Lisa, Sam, and the dogs were gone. We talked carelessly for a little bit, but then we figured they must have left us for a specific reason, which translated to the idea that no one should speak so we could listen. And Addie had this idea that we should stand in a circle and all hold hands, which didn’t make much sense, but we did it nonetheless. When all of the leaders came back, no one said anything, and Mike just walked circles around us and then went to talk to Lisa. I was wondering what we were waiting for, kind of waiting to leave.

Mike quietly told Billy to pray, so Billy did, but even after the Amen, no one said anything more and we kept holding hands in our circle. Suddenly, my sister stumbled and fell backwards, and I first feared her legs had locked up or she had fainted, but it was the manifestation of the Holy Spirit. Sherri and Matt rejoined hands where Ruth had been. Then the silence was broken by Ruth’s laughter.

The next thing spoken, I think, might have been words from my own mouth, long moments later, above the whisper of prayers. “Pour Your Spirit out on Your sons and daughters!” Though I had spent some time wondering if I would really say those words, I ended up screaming them out unconsciously, before I could even think about what I had just said. Murmurs of prayers, Sherri screamed a Hallelujah, Mike touched Billy and Billy started jumping up and down, saying “What the fudge, dude?” The dancing was a big deal since his injury has been taking a toll on him for the past few weeks. And something changed, somehow.

God came in waves, in crescendos – you could hear it in the voices crying out. And I spoke words of truth and it was true worship and God was there and I was seeing that in a single night, He had removed my doubts and fears and showed that He is indeed worthy and does not disappoint and that to taste the Lord and see that He is good and see Him for who He truly is is something that brings us to our knees, knowing this is our God. In healing and peace and glory and love and how these lives are changed and pressures relieved and in the way lives are restored and we are blown away by the beauty of comfort and security and beauty itself – I was satisfied.

And things were different. God was winning our battles and fighting our problems and all we were doing was letting go. I don’t know if my life was changed, but I know how important it is to be real and honest and pursuing and I would spend my life trying to get to be in that kind of fellowship or relationship with God, where He is loving on me and constantly blowing me away and all I ever do is live in His presence, rest in His gaze, and let myself go. Still, I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know if I will forget, if I will fall away. And if I hadn’t been praying for people, I don’t know how much of God I would have seen. But God let me pray on people and gave me grace to do so, at least for the most part.

We prayed for an hour or two, and peace prevailed. When we got home, most people either fell asleep or ate a lot. But it was awesome. Downright awesome.

It was horribly difficult to wake up this morning at 8:30, and only a couple of us (Ruth, Billy, Matt, Lydia, Jojo, and me) were going to go finish up some construction work at the Habitat site. We finished putting up the sheets on the roof to cover the deck, nailing everything down, but we didn’t have the chance to do all the roofing because we needed to leave around 11:30 to go to another Habitat house where we would get lunch, meet with the rest of the group, and get taped for TV (channel 6, who knew?) Jerry and Phong had an unhealthy long no-smile staredown contest and Jojo and Jeff raced lunches again, and then all of us went to the office of Habitat for Humanity to say good-byes and receive certificates.

Now we’re just about to leave for the woods – we’ll be camping for three days. Please God.

7/14/07 – Sunday Morning
Saturday, we woke up early, which was again terribly difficult, though we didn’t leave for the campsite until around 11 or 12. I think the campground was about an hour away from the Heyd’s house, followed by a 3 mile hike to our actual campsite. When we got there, it was raining, not hard, but fast, and I think all of us had loaded backpacks, since we were carrying all of our clothes, sleeping bags, tents, and three days worth of food. It was cold and wet, and three miles turned out to be about two and a half hours of walking, with rests thrown in and a quick run by me to go back and get the grill.

Once we got there, contingents were formed specifically to find wood for the campfire, set up the tents, and build two latrines. I was setting up tents – an eight man for the girls and then three smaller ones for the guys, surrounding the girls. To the northwest is the campfire, Mike and Lisa’s tent, and Sam’s hammock, where I am pretty sure he slept last night. The girls have one tent and the guys are split up with Matt, Yang, and Leo in one, Billy, Richard, Jojo, Jerry, and Vincent in a six man, and Jeff, Phong, and me in the last one to bring back the group from last year. We’re using Jeff’s tent this year instead of Jojo’s, and one night has already gone by, so I can truly say things are different from the flooding that happened in New Mexico. A lot of space, and we didn’t get rained out, though all of us woke up facing the sun. All of us went to sleep freezing cold and woke up scorching hot. Our tent name is Tent Pwmage aka Dry, because we were joking around how we have a Wii and a flat screen TV and tennis courts with our own Roger Federer and bowling alleys and a bubble bath. We ate a lunch/dinner made of hot dogs and brats and pasties (properly pronounced like past-tees), and after a little hangout and the wargame, we had Smores.

The wargame was a re-enactment of the battle of Jericho, and it was Team Rockstar against the tree other teams along with Sam. Rockstar had to try to touch a huge pile of rocks, pretty much the heart of the city, simultaneously, meaning everyone had to be there. So I was one of the bad guys (Jericho), tackling people to the ground, more or less, and trying to pin them so they couldn’t escape. There was a border – the city walls – drawn from an outline of trees; if someone from Jericho stepped outside of this border, they were taken out of the game for a minute. For the first part, we were able to hold Rockstar off, pretty easily. But Mike started changing rules. Billy earned Joshua status –anyone he touched was frozen for ten seconds. We later lost the ability to communicate and so we couldn’t scream out what we were seeing and then we became afraid and had to walk around on our knees.

And Addie would charge through the city walls and yell out of pain or frustration as two or three people would grab her and pull her down or push her away and you had to hear all the screaming from everyone on Rockstar, a hint of helplessness and desperation in all of their voices. And they never gave up. And Mike started changing rules and it was still hard, but they kept on fighting, and soon their victory was inevitable.

Sam spoke at Bible study that night, with everyone circled around the campfire trying to catch the heat. And he talked about dark corners in our lives that we hadn’t given up to God and how, as long as you have something that you aren’t willing to let God have, then he’s not your God. He talked about how we have fake security in all of the things we hold onto – how we are clinging onto pride and money and grades and we don’t realize the severity of the sin and lies we have fallen into. Sam read from 1 John about how when you love something, you become a part of it, and so if you have to ask the world for permission or justification to live, you assume a role in the world, the lusts of the flesh simply dictating what we do and keeping us from ever getting any farther than our own flesh.

They talked about suicide. What it means to not love the world. How Christians in China would burn their ID cards upon realizing God’s love – ultimately choosing not to let everything the world had to offer get in the way. By burning these cards, they were throwing the way the opportunity to get jobs, housing, schooling, all the things that the world seems to demand of people, that you need to do just to be identified with the rest of the world. These Christians only wanted God. God alone was their God, and they sold out so that they couldn’t turn back, so they wouldn’t have to turn back. No backups or reserves. Simply faith and hope and love.

When we started praying individually, Billy started grunting or gasping, like it was hard for him to breathe. I’m not sure where God was for everyone else – I’m afraid I put Him on hold to get warm and secretly sleep – but He was with Billy in that moment. Billy said this morning he wasn’t sure if he had gotten a demon out of him, but Mike said he had two had fled.

Mike went on to say we all had our demons to fight, none of us were above any of it. He talked about our love of the world and how we spend more time reading schoolwork than the Bible, how we are so connected to the world and deceived by all these lies and how the only result is a greater distance from God. And how we thought we had it all, but we really didn’t have much of anything, how there will be powerful, influential Christians who even cast out demons in His name who God will not identify with. How we are ugly and wrong and unworthy and yet not unredeemable and how a single drop of blood coming from the cross would be enough to bring you out of irrelevance. He ended with a challenge – to think about what parts of our life we hadn’t given to God and why we were withholding these from Him.

I woke up this morning and was talking to Billy and somehow we got to the point of prayer. After a while, I broke it off to go run…I think that’s my secret place, where I can find God. And I learned some things. I might not boast to people, but I definitely boast to God. Pride is big and so is sexual immorality, and I don’t really give God my relationships. And I learned that I am like the older son in the prodigal son parable who deceives himself within the fake church, thinking he really is dependent on God and that he has earned something from the father. And truthfully? I only give God what I want, and my distance from Him is my own fault and I don’t think His silence is His work or conditions of spiritual warfare. It is some failure on my part, and I have to find it.

Tonight might be a breaking point. I wait for breakthrough and revolution. For things to be different in an instance, inexplicably and impossibly changed.

7/15/07 – Monday Morning
Yesterday night, it was probably 10 or 11. Sam and Billy and I had gone before the group to set up a worship site, right by a stream and waterfall – we built the campfire and set up logs for seats. To me, there were unvoiced high expectations for tonight.

Mike played worship and…nothing happened. Absolutely nothing. We were just singing songs. And Billy said something about how we really need to be changed – we can’t just go back home and continue life as it’s always been. We need to come to our senses and let go. And honestly, what he said didn’t penetrate my heart, though I could tell it was something heartfelt that I thought moved others. I felt that I had tried my hardest to be honest, spent the whole day, and for God to not show up meant…He was either a mean God or I had a huge shortcoming on my part. And it was the latter to me, that I “just wasn’t doing it right,” though you don’t do relationships right.

Then Mike spoke. He asked what more it would take for us to let go and believe. He asked why our motives were the way they are and talked about how we are so in love with the world, so distracted and distanced from God. And this got me mad…because I felt like I had tried a lot, and yet hadn’t gotten any closer to God.

We went in a random order around the circle, saying things everybody had learned. Nobody looked like they would say anything, so I went first and said something stupid, like how you can search with all your heart and not find God, which is hardly edifying and the way I said everything was terrible. And some people said some pretty remarkable things. Matt said he was finding out he was afraid of the wrong things and not afraid of what he should be afraid of, things that were worthy of his fear. Jeff said that if you do work just for the sake of pride, essentially, then you were doing it in vain – and he said that he saw this kind of work in his life over and over again. Yang said he had usually thought of life as a road only large enough for one person, but he was beginning to find that God had always been there for him and he didn’t have to suffer and go through everything alone. And Addie said that she felt like the more and more she gave to God, the more she could feel demons trying to wrestle her down and get in her way and the more she could feel God loving on her and trying to pull her out of the chaos and closer to Him.

And this got me frustrated. Because I felt like I was drawing near to God and…I felt nothing. Calloused. It was 12:45 and people were just leaving, but I had gone to Billy and he was asking me how I was and I would say, “I don’t know, okay?” and look away and he would ask the same question and I would respond the same way. Then he asked again, and I finally said something. Something like, “I don’t know. God’s not there.” And I blurted out, “but it’s not my fault,” before I could help it. Which was what I felt, but I had convinced myself throughout the whole day that God not being there was my fault, my weaknesses in the way.

I don’t know if Billy heard me, but he started screaming at me, “It is not your fault!” over and over again. And I started getting desperate. We had been hugging, but when things started happening, Billy was bent over so that I was leaning on top of him with my head to his back and my eyes soaking his jacket. And somehow I realized something that I had told my small group a couple days before this – that we were supposed to live my life in accordance to what I know and not what I feel. And though this is dangerous, I knew God was there, the whole day throughout my entire pursuits, even if I couldn’t feel Him. And I feel like this is something I should have known and internalized from the very beginning of my faith, but to hear it again was absolutely revolutionary last night.

I don’t talk about honestly seeking God to try to make myself look better, and I know I couldn’t ever perfectly honestly seek God, but it’s just that if we draw near to Him, or actually try to stop and allow for our worldview to see Him, He is supposed to be waiting on us or always there, in one way or another. And I think I really had honestly sought God, but had thought I did it wrong because I heard no answer or response from God. But if God was really there – that would mean there was something else in the way. Demon. And I thought about stagnancy and how I could spend my whole life, my best years, replaying today in the present, drawing near to God and not getting there for some reason. And that was what my dad was doing. He’s spent at least three years trying to get to the heart of God without ever actually taking a step closer. And I didn’t want that to be me.

And I couldn’t get it off me. I realized it was the same demon as my dad’s, the same demon who had him believing that he didn’t have authority to cast those demons out. And I think if you give demons power, they start to take over your reality, and since this one said I didn’t have authority, I felt like I didn’t have authority and couldn’t get the demon out. Actually, I’m kind of surprised that it was a demon like this – it must have been pretty deep or hidden between things, because it took a lot of prayer and embrace from Billy and grace from God before I could even acknowledge it as a demon. And I leaned more on Billy and felt as if I was crushing him. His prayers and the songs from those who had stayed behind with us filled the silence.

I couldn’t cast the demon out, though I think I was supposed to have the authority to do so because I am a Christian. And God cast it out.

The demon had been telling me I wasn’t saved. Things were my fault. I didn’t have authority over them. And this was the lie. I don’t know if there would be a name for it. There wasn’t a specific point when I knew I had been freed from the demon by God, but there was a specific moment when I had wondered if God had truly freed me and then I considered how dangerous it would be if the demon was still in there, hiding in the shadows, with me thinking it was gone. But things were different, and I thanked God. I felt like I could talk to Him again, or at least I knew I could. “Let’s go running. You lead, I’ll follow,” I would say. And things were different. And the word “chosen” came to mind. It was like I really did belong.

In Psalm 127, it talks about how children will take on their fathers’ battles, or demons. I think I have authority now because God has defeated this demon for me. Makes things interesting for me when we get back home.

Everyone was nice, hugs all around. Addie, Jojo, Phong, Jerry, Jeff, Richard, along with Billy and I. It was…pretty meaningful to me. Because I’m not in this alone, and there is no way I’m going to serve God and be completely isolated. I don’t have to suffer by myself or run alone. And we walked the difficult path through the woods and finally made it back to the campsite to get some rest. I told my sister what had happened and went to sleep.

7/15/07 – Monday Night – 10:49 pm
I woke up and wrote a little until Mike woke up, and I told him about what was going on with my dad and God and demons. Mike said things would get a lot easier, even if the battle intensified, because I would at least know what I was up against. We talked about small groups and I said I would really like for my calling to be as some kind of leader, and Mike said just hearing that made the mission trip worth it.

Phong went into the woods that morning and got lost for like an hour, so when I went back, he was crying, because being lost like that is more than scary. I don’t know if things are okay with Billy, either. I know he is crazy tired, and even if things aren’t emotionally accommodating for him right now, everyone absolutely knows that Billy stepped up these past two days as a spiritual leader. The passion and love in his heart, his willingness to do what no one else will do, the way he urges the necessity of our own hearts falling towards God. We needed him for that, we really did. And the things that happened today wouldn’t have happened without him and the way God used him.

I went to the campfire for breakfast after talking with Mike – peanut butter and jelly sandwiches – and Billy took off to talk with Mike, maybe for an hour, and Phong was in a corner crying. I didn’t know what was going on, he didn’t talk to me and I can’t really blame him. I heard he got over it – he was sitting by Lydia a couple of meters from the tents, singing and playing worship. Sherri and Elaine were there as well, and I went later to join them singing.

I thought it would have just been singing songs, I thought we could enjoy it and there was nothing wrong with this, it’s just that I didn’t think it would get any further than that. Lydia gave me the guitar and she and Richard left, and then Sherri, Elaine, Phong, and I sang a couple of songs. And then I played Forevermore, transitioned to Awesome God, to No Other Name, to Mighty to Save. And things just started changing, I don’t know what. But God was beginning to creep in on us.

I changed keys, switching off between Heart of Worship, I Give You My Heart, The Wonderful Cross, and I Lay My Life Down. Billy and Mike came through the woods and Billy sat to join us during the chorus to Heart of Worship. Phong broke down, crying. I think Elaine might have been feeling it as well, and things certainly were changing in that place. Mike came and prayed over Phong. Elaine started singing We Fall Down, and when we came to the chorus and truly cried out, “Holy, holy, holy,” it was something to be heard.

Jerry came and sat down, and Billy must have been called to him because when I wasn’t sure if we should stop or continue worshipping, Jerry started crying out, “Jesus, where you?” and Billy started praying out loud for him and we sang our hearts out. We begged God to rescue us, not to leave us hanging, pleading that we were finally truly letting ourselves go for the sole purpose of feeling His embrace. Jerry screamed, “God, where are you? I need you!” and Billy was praying to God to cast the demon out and then he started jumping and running around. Richard came onto the scene to pray for Jerry. [I later found out that Jerry had entered the worship scene a couple of times prior to this moment and felt nothing, and this last time, he finally sat down and determined that he needed to find God, which later prompted his cries. Had it not been for this determination, God might not have fallen so hard on us and the worship might have ceased, or at least Richard would not have walked into our prayer session to pray for him.]

And Billy started talking. Getting people psyched up. I’m not sure what it was that he said, but it got everyone going. We had to get this change in us, we had to keep trying to get to God. We had to have our lives changed. And Elaine and I sang Invitation which I didn’t think I could play and other songs and though I wasn’t sure if it was ever going somewhere, I still had grace to cry out and call out and actually sing my own songs and worship and be real. And God showed up, He answered our prayers.

Before I knew it, these were the things around me. Sherri and Lydia talking far in front of me. Jerry on his knees. Richard to his right, lying on his stomach, arms outstretched, with Billy holding a hand to his back in prayer. Matt, Cynthia, Phong praying. Elaine holding the music for me. Jerry stumbled up and murmured, “Super dizzy,” looking like he might throw up and Sherri went for water and Mike. Jerry said later that he had pain all over his left leg, the same leg that had caused him problems earlier in the trip and had been the wonder of Billy as if it could have been a demonic manifestation. Apparently, when Mike prayed for him, it disappeared. Richard said he felt like one of his arms was on fire, and Mike prayed for it and the burning ceased, but it was obvious it wasn’t Mike. It was God, so totally, and we were praising God and not Mike (just to clarify). Richard says he had doubts even when it was happening. He knew the battle was going on and was real, but there was something like a voice telling him it wasn’t going on or he wasn’t being healed or winning. But in the end, Richard was staring straight at truth and God. No other influence but His, no other voice being heard.

God was simply there – He invaded our worship session when all we thought we were going to do was sing songs. We played for three and a half hours or so, crying out to God, and He answered in tremendous ways. And I was so blessed to be the one playing the guitar, getting to call myself a leader. And the grace was so abundant, it wasn’t me. The way songs intertwined themselves, the way I found words for my own songs…it was so much larger than anything I had ever done. And though I doubted along the way, we weren’t seeking in vain. Not at all. God had found us.

This was the kind of thing I had only dreamed about, but never thought would have happened, especially today in that place. God had met us. He had used me. I set down the guitar, prayed for Phong, Matt, Jerry. All of them had been freed. I told them they had it made – God was loving on them so much and He was so much bigger than their own faults and shortcomings. I told them God was going to turn them into people beyond their wildest dreams, that they had everything, that God loved them so much and everything was going to be okay because God was going to be there. He was there all along. And all we had to do was surrender and let Him heal us. All we had to do was keep our eyes on Him and believe this was all about Him and not us. All we had to do was not give up and He would make us something great. And it struck me that God must really love me. For Him to answer my prayers like He had – to use me as I had dreamed. Because in less than a twelve hour span, He had thrown a demon out of me and let me lead others into His presence in a way I couldn’t have imagined. A way I couldn’t have orchestrated. He had not only answered my prayers but He had used me to fulfill some of them. We were all getting changed.

We all came together to pray before we split up to take down our tents because we were supposed to leave after lunch and our three and a half hour worship session had put us back maybe two hours in schedule. And it wasn’t boring for once. We really talked to God. And when Jerry said, “Dang, that was tight,” we all knew this was true. God was tight. And Richard said this was like the best day of his life… and to hear that when he had only been awake for maybe five or six hours… that was what made things great. It really was something. And we all knew it. We were onto something big.

We packed up and left the campgrounds, hiking the 2.84 miles back at a fast pace. Went to Presque Isle for the showers, then a buffet steakhouse called Bonanza. And things are good again. God is near. I can pray and be confident He’s right there listening, waiting. And Billy and I just smile and high five because we know we’re onto something great. God used us today.

And I don’t want us to go our opposite ways. I look around and see such a strong group. People daring to let for God, daring to fall in love. People going all in, having their lives broken and repaired, people selling out to God, giving Him everything they’ve got. Each one of us is different, but each one of us connects. We really are something special. We are onto something great. God has blessed us so much. I can’t believe it. I seriously can’t believe it. What happened today is beyond me. God is getting what He wants. And we are lying down at His feet, dropping our burdens to fall asleep in His arms. We really are blessed. We really are something special.

7/17/07 – Tuesday Night – 1:18 am
Today was our last real day, since we’re leaving tomorrow morning for two days of travel with an overnight stay in St. Louis.

Canoeing was fun. I partnered with Vincent, and we were actually pretty good together. We talked a bit and it was fun and we got the chance to relax. Afterwards, we went to that pool at Presque Isle for showers; right before we started playing Sharks and Minnows, Jeff cut up the skin on his big toe on the cement – a lot of blood. He didn’t have a blister or anything, so the fact that he cut up his toe so badly was remarkable. He told me a couple hours ago that he thinks it was because God was trying to teach him something, and that his busted big toe had led him to learn his lesson.

We went back to the Heyd’s for pizza and later left for Sugarloaf, some mountain/nature trail kind of site. Hiked to the top of the mountain, which didn’t take very long, and caught the sunset over other mountains. Mike had us read the first three chapters of Revelations, trying to get us to recognize which of the seven churches of Asia we were most like. He said this was the next step, that it was honestly knowing who you are and what it is you need to be delivered from and what it is you can look forward to. The last church, the Laocedians, was composed of the lukewarm Christians. These are the people who have labels of life, but they are actually dead, and as long as they are neither hot nor cold, they can’t go much of anywhere. They’ve wound themselves such a large web of support that they never fall low enough to ask for help and yet stay focused on themselves enough that they won’t give God the things they are holding onto so tightly.

We walked out the trail and were at the parking lot, everybody just looking at stars, but Jojo was lying on his back, thinking. And despite what was going on with him, Billy sat down and lied down right next to Jojo and started talking to him. And God was there. They talked for a while there, and on the ride home, Jojo started crying, and it was apparent God was at work. Billy and Jojo kept on talking for a while even after we parked in the driveway, and later, Billy got Mike to do whatever had to be done. Billy said that doubt has really been attacking our youth group as a whole, like a demon Doubt. I don’t really know what happened, I’ll ask him someday soon online, but as all of this was happening, Phong and I stood in the backyard in prayer, and it was actually praying.

And I realize that I am sorta jealous of Billy and who he has become and how he is smooth with girls, and I wanted it to have been me sitting in that van talking to Jojo and seeing God work. But it’s really not about that. Because no matter who I am, it’s not like I am any less loved or any less important. God still wants me to be me, and I shouldn’t think of it any other way, and if we’re all members in a body, we need each other to serve our own roles and get to where we’re trying to go. And God’s still got big plans for me, so how could I be mad as long as I’m where God wants me to be? I’ll be a writer or a runner or a prayer warrior or… a friend. Just as long as God is there…how could I ask for anything more?

I really am blown away by how much Billy has changed these past three days. I’m blown away by the relationships I have seen formed, the demons and burdens I have seen lifted, the faith and muscles that have developed, the ties and bonds that have really made us understand that we are a body of Christ. And how because of all of this, we’re never gonna be the same. Nothing’s ever gonna be the same, even if we try to cover it up and deny it even happened. We will have known we were onto something so much greater than ourselves, that we were on the brink of something big.

It’s a little past 3:30 in the morning. I gotta stay awake for about another hour and a half if I want to be able to run and catch the sunrise and then jump into the beach. Must stay awake…

7/19/07 – Thursday Night – 1:01 am
We were gone at around 7:45 in the morning, pulled into this motel in St. Louis around 8:20, the day mostly uneventful. I fell asleep around four this morning, but made Jeff, Richard, and Elaine promise to wake me up at five so I could go run. I felt like I hadn’t gotten any sleep, but I woke up enough to change into a swimsuit and put on my wet running shoes (wet from the canoe trip) and just took off. Ran in the middle of the roads since traffic was pretty nonexistent. Watched Lake Michigan and colors slowly entering the scene. Got to Presque Isle where we shower and eat ice cream (Uperman is classic, not to mention Mackinac Island Fudge…I just found out that’s a real island, too) and even saw a deer maybe fifteen feet in front of me in my pursuit to find the lighthouse. Came back, about a five mile run at a pretty decent pace, and caught up with Richard, Elaine, and Jeff at the beach, still waiting for the sunrise.

I walked into Lake Michigan, the whole view breathtaking. And the more steps I took into the freezing water, I saw I was joining the picture, and I caught a glimpse of what it feels like to be part of something so big, that it can consume you completely. Though tired, I couldn’t take my eyes off of the view. And I couldn’t help believing that God was like this. He went through all of these amazing steps so we could get to this place and behold the majesty of creation. So we could simply stand in awe of His work, even in the past two weeks.

We left soon after we returned from the beach. A few hours ago, we pulled into Super 8 or something like that and enjoyed a Waffle House dinner (complete with jukebox). Later that night, Billy broke down. Because he couldn’t lose these two weeks. He realized what a big change it would be returning home and he was afraid and he had every right to be. For once, he had been brought to life, and nothing at home would understand or know how much this meant to him. And so he feared and doubt began to build. He trusted God, but he didn’t trust himself.

We were interrupted for a meeting in Mike’s room, the last real meeting we would have together. He thanked the small group leaders and even passed out Fisher Space Pens, the bullet ones with crosses. Billy was honored with a gold clip because he truly stepped up and, against Mike’s judgment, chose to stay behind with me and risk demerits that last night camping, the result of which was a cast out demon and a worship session the following morning, consequently changing at least five lives. We then took team photos and prayed and it was mostly over.

Team Hippo was meeting, so everyone else figured we could get together and hang out and talk about things so we could feel a little better and get things off of our minds. We talked about what it would mean to return home, the struggles we would face, how the battle was really just starting and we couldn’t forget these past two weeks and what God had done for us, though we would have to move on. We talked about how God had done something great in all of us and we talked about how incredibly important it is to stay together as a group, to use each other to get closer to God and not forget.

And we talked about how we could do this. We could go back to the world, go back and change our homes and change Tulsa instead of letting Tulsa change us. We talked about how God’s grace is enough, and as long as we don’t give up, we’re gonna pull through, because God will make victory inevitable for those who don’t quit on Him. We went around and everybody prayed, about fifteen of us. And at the end, Jerry was being moved on, because he had realized just how hard it would be to remember. Just in those few days between that night and that worship session, he felt like he had forgotten. And he cried out because it seemed so hard – and it truly is. The world wants nothing to do with God. To stay in such focus of God – to be in the world and not of it – would require more than all of our strength not to give up and God’s grace and mercy and love to actually pull us through into His kingdom.

The next morning, we caught breakfast and lunch on the road, back home around 6:40, everything uneventful. And…I hate being home. I really am ruined for anything less, and I don’t want to fall away from God. I don’t want to tolerate or compromise or spend my days watching TV doing nothing with my life, wasting away. I need God. I feel the urgency, the sentiments that Billy and Jerry expressed and exposed. We really can’t afford to fall out of it. God has done so much, and now that the battle really is starting, we need to fight. We need to change the world instead of being changed. And what this takes – is God’s grace, and as much as we can do to not forget that we are sinners saved by this grace.

7/23/07 – Conclusion
The first night back was hard. About ten miles from home, everyone grew silent. It was unanimous that everybody wished the mission trip could have lasted longer. Being home meant we would have to confront our comforts, our families, our own mistakes and messes. As soon as my mom came to pick us up, we started fighting – my sister, mom, and I. About how she was treating us like little kids, how we were stronger and more mature than she gave us credit for. And she said…we didn’t love her, we didn’t appreciate everything she had done for us. When we got home, I was praying for food when it occurred I should just go upstairs and talk to my dad. His door was closed, which meant he was reading his Bible or praying or something, but I knocked and went in anyway, telling him we were back from Michigan. He responded by saying he was busy, I said I loved him, and he said a dismissing okay. I felt like crying. I would have just sat down in my bedroom and cried, but I hated being home, so I ran to Mike’s in desperation. And on the way there, I realized I hoped everybody was getting to go through this.

I wished everybody was waging wars that required them to be Christians, wars of identity (instead of wars about questionable action…there’s a difference) that required them to live and compose themselves like they had for the past two weeks. I hoped that everybody was meeting breaking points – that we had seen some light in Michigan and were now acting upon it, trying to rid ourselves of the worldly things in our homes that proved inconsistent with our faiths. Even if that meant standing up against our parents and looking like we hated them. Because that first day back, I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t watch TV, I didn’t want to get online and be on Facebook or Youtube or something merely for gratification. I wanted to go out and do something, to be at work with God, to be building a house or leading a Bible study or swimming in a pool at Presque Isle and grabbing an Uperman ice cream cone afterwards. But I didn’t want to be comfortable. Not to the point of becoming lukewarm.

We made a slideshow of all of our pictures for the English and Chinese ministries at church, but even then, there was this unspoken sentiment that nobody would be able to understand how much we did. And it was ridiculous to think that we could capture what we really learned in a slideshow. If we could have had a video collage of people jumping off waterfalls and swimming in Lake Michigan, people being a service to Habitat for Humanity and St. Vincent’s Thrift Store, God knocking us over in a circle on Marquette Mountain, God casting out demons and setting us all on fire, all of us watching that last sunset atop of Sugarloaf, talking in our small groups and doing Sleeping Bag Sumo and finding out who we are… if we had a video collage of all of that, it might begin to grasp a bit of what we experienced. But really? You just had to be there. Because we were taken out of ourselves and lifted high, and this could have only been the work of God.

That last day of camp, I was talking to people, telling them that if they gave everything up for God, God was going to work in them and make them into the people that they wanted to become, and that they could look up one day and realize that they had everything they ever wanted and that they had even far exceeded their expectations for themselves. And I am beginning to see this in myself. I look around and realize that, though I am far from conquering pride or lust, huge steps have been taken towards God in those areas of my life. I see my stumbling blocks have become fewer, my barriers to God weaker, my dependence on God stronger, easier.

What do you learn from falling in love? What do you learn from meeting your savior, from finding out what your true identity is? You learn that this is the way things should be. I know it’s unrealistic to hope that life could be like those two weeks, but if life really were just like an extended youth group mission trip, I think things would still be okay. And you learn that…falling away is something you don’t want to do. The closer you can get to God and the farther away from everything else, the more you will realize that God alone is sufficient and that anything else, especially things like lust and the media and being good enough, will only be beautiful letdowns. So we are left in this impossible quest to find God in the midst of business and school and obligation and family and responsibility and sources of fake and addictive gratification, and as long as we don’t forget, as long as we don’t give up – He’s going to give us what we want. Him.

I’m not supposed to tell anybody out what happened in my youth group, but the very first night we met, Jeff talked about a dream he had the night before we left. He dreamed he had just gotten back from this mission trip and that he couldn’t remember any of it – that these past two weeks had been just like any other two weeks. He realized that he needed for this trip to be so much more than normal, everyday life. And so we prayed it would be something more, something that God had everything to do with. And you know what? It was. These two weeks really did happen. These two weeks really did change us, and I don’t recognize our youth group anymore. I just walk around and smile because we’re not our own. We’re God’s.