overdue update (West Coast + new semester)

hey guys. sorry, this is a long overdue update. after winter break, i found myself in San Francisco for a weekend for the Epic West Coast Conference, and been back in Norman for just a week. being at Conference was awesome, and it's pretty unbelievable, because there is another conference in just two weeks in Dallas that we'll drive down to.

lately, i've been letting fatigue dictate how i feel way too much, or what i do. i even let it affect me beyond reason in San Francisco. now, it seems like i just sleep too much - complacent. this semester is different in that i am only taking 15 hours - 5 classes - and i don't really like some of them. i guess they just seem...uninteresting.

and i bet i'm going to keep going with computer science, but i am starting to wonder if that is really what i will make my career. at conference, the speaker said that, all too regularly, we make our degrees or careers or livelihood our idols. another student said that we shouldn't go to college to learn to make a living, but to learn to make a difference. i was afraid God might call me to go on another summer project this summer with Campus Crusades or Epic because i didn't want to make my mom mad. on the inside, i think i was just as afraid God wouldn't call me, and i would be stuck to the mundane or the normalcy of an internship. a couple of years ago, i knew i had to go on a mission trip or something over the summer, because i didn't want my fire to go out. i had to be changed, i had to have that encounter, and a mission trip was the only way i knew how to get that encounter.

i've heard people say that they simply put themselves in risky, uncomfortable, and even dangerous situations because they know that it will force them to rely and depend on God. it would keep them from forgetting, keep them from relying on their own strength. being right with God would be the only option. conversing with Him, being fulfilled by Him, trusting Him at every step would have been the only way.

i guess i do have options. OU's CRU is going to Mexico City for spring break, and EPIC has all sorts of projects going to Japan to Southeast Asia to New York.

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i have begun to fall in love. with who or what, you may ask. i'm not sure. i don't know what to say.

with that said, things seem to be a whole lot more complicated. i feel the shadows lurking from my dad and my sister, pressures i don't know how to deal with. i feel impending failure, wishing my dad would have taught me more how to treat and love a girl. i feel impending shame, the voices of faceless spectators saying, "he's just like his dad." i feel the troubles of past relationships, knowing i have failed and fallen, that i have wronged and mistreated and abused and been ignorant and still just as immature. i feel the trouble of current relationship, wondering if my priorities could possibly still be straight, questioning whether my folly could be tolerated, or if there will be mercy for me doing something with my whole heart. i feel the fear of stuffing the issues and replacing insecurity with unhealthy relationship.

i seemed to set all of these standards and dreams and goals, and i guess i'm pretty much on the brink of breaking all of them. i'm not confident in myself. i heard one of my friends say that he thought that he would be so lucky just to have a girl who would be willing to spend the rest of her life with him, and i read the exact same thing in a Donald Miller book. they didn't feel worthy, didn't feel deserving - they knew the blessing of a partner. i don't know if i'm making this girl god, or if i'm trying to cover my own insecurities and fears by being with her. i haven't known her that long. what would happen if everything broke? could i ruin myself? sometimes i feel just like taking a bullet to my heart. not to say i would shoot myself - just that i want to put to death once and for all my selfishness, the part of me that is still married to this world, the part of me that is not surrendered to His will.

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i don't really know. where is my head, my heart, my passion, my eyes, my love? Jonah got to run away and God found him. Samson was a jerk and God still heard his cry. Same goes for Paul and Peter.

i guess i feel so conflicted, so lost, so confused. i need to do some reading and spend some time rethinking all of this.

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Norman's supposed to ice over tomorrow. one of my friends got me a Texas shirt at the West Coast conference just last week. i wore it today to the OU cafeteria and kind of got a rough comment. not exactly a threat, but enough to realize just how big the rivalry is. OU takes football very seriously. can't wait for Epic Anthology coming up, but i need to buckle down and run hard, go for broke, go all out. seriously.