my story

i rarely feel this understanding that my words are not delicate enough to express the depths of my heart.

i used to think that my life story would fare well as a movie. i thought people could benefit from silently following through my life - i believed i had a very different perspective to offer the world. i believed that i was different in what i saw, how i lived...i considered myself an underdog, going through all sorts of impossible odds and challenges to find myself. not just to make it through the chaos of a single high school day or week, but something greater, something that resonated with humanity, even if i couldn't put my finger on just what it was i was finding.

i believe that i am no longer like this. at least as of late, i am no longer fighting my greater battles, overcoming impossibilities, pressing on to that greater thing that touches my heart, makes my heart feel like dancing. it is almost like i have traded away passion for routine, i have traded exhilaration and adventure for callouses.

i want to fall in love. i guess i was reminded today of what that really looks like. not obligation or duty. not even because it's the right thing to do - what it means to truly love someone. at that point, you watch what you do because you want to be pleasing to that other person. it just makes sense not to do something that will hurt them, because you don't want to hurt them - you don't want to turn them away. they mean something to you - they have a place in your heart reserved for them that nothing can replace or steal away. what is really going on here is an interaction, a story between two hearts. and love is making your heart about the other person's heart. love is choosing that person's heart over yours. love is being about that person's heart.

i guess i have been thinking these thoughts because i am staying the night at one of my friends' houses in Norman, whose sister i had chemistry with last year. throughout the night, i've been thinking that, if i had a scholarship to give, i would give her one. i've been thinking that hers is the life that belongs on a movie screen, a true story of overcoming odds and loving others, not complaining but counting blessings, not giving up but moving forward and accepting the challenge. the way that i see her love really is like a new song, a breath of life, something that resonates with humanity, something i would want to watch at the movies.

---

i want to feel that way about God. i want my heart to be moved by Him. demons heard His name and trembled. the spiritual leaders of Jesus' time heard His name and took offense, so much that they beat Him up on at least 3 separate occasions after He allowed them to arrest Him. i hear His name, and i wonder if i just stand around. i want my heart to be moved, out of passion, love, affection. i want to be so deeply connected with Him that i cannot hear His name without my heart being awakened.