joys

a little moody tonight, but the promise of joy in the morning actually kinda puts things in perspective. instead of demanding that God come through for me in comfort, i can kinda look back and see that He has already done so much more than enough, that He doesn't have to prove Himself anymore, doesn't have to come through anymore for my faith to be in Him. hasn't my faith been put in the fire long enough that it can stand past circumstances, past even emotions or unpopularity or inconvenience?

today was the first day of classes. one of my brothers in Christ Vincent told me of his past weekend, how he felt so much grace, that God was right there with him, showing him favor. it was honestly so uplifting, the kind of story that makes your day. that put things in perspective too, since i had been moody. but when he asked about OU, i had to say that it has almost begun to feel a bit overwhelming. i am completely wiped out - though i think that has something to do with spending a bit too much time at the gym playing basketball.

i guess i just feel a bit alienated, a bit like i'm fighting a lost cause. i don't know what exactly it is i'm doing. is it now God, anyways, when we go out and do ministry? is it not obviously His power that is at work, and not our own? isn't that our hope?

the thing is, i'm one of the few Christian Asian Americans on campus, it seems. the other ones almost seem underground, like hidden treasures waiting to be found. just yesterday was the student organization fair, in which all of the different organizations grab tables and hit up freshmen... i passed out EPIC business cards and generated little to no appeal over the course of almost two hours. there was a single guy i met who might have been interested... and why isn't that enough? i was so excited just to have that one guy.

and then there's another guy i met who's hindi, and i've been hanging out with him a lot lately. and i'm wondering if God will do something through me - i almost feel like my love is contingent upon that. like i'm saying "i will love you if there's a chance you will end up believing what i believe" and "i wouldn't love you if i knew you really don't care about my God." i really kinda feel this way...um, honestly. i think that's what you would see if you looked into my heart.

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i remember the nights that i had as a sophomore in high school, a peaceful time i phrased an "ideal moment." i would sit on a freshly made bed, just out of the shower, hair wet and jeans baggy, sitting with a devotional book feeling closer to God than i ever had before. i remember early morning runs and overcoming doubts, i remember late night swingsets and running away to the lake in Michigan, lock-ins when we would end up praying for hours on end, and yet it would feel like minutes. i remember the last night of my sophomore year at OU, the last time i played basketball in tulsa, those pivotal moments at Acquire the Fire and in Mexico City and oneThing in Kansas City and the Labor Day retreat in Missouri.

i remember holding fast to the promise, resting my hope fully upon His grace. there wasn't anything i couldn't do, anything that could intimidate me, anything that could hold me down. in a kind of youthful recklessness, i called out and challenged Satan, knowing my God is so much bigger. not even i, but we all, looked forward to Sunday mornings, Friday nights. it was a sort of party or refuge. it was a defining moment.

and God proved Himself, stole me away, proved Himself. proved Himself to be bigger, worthier than friendship with this world. and i am forever ruined.

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gonna catch some sleep before it gets too late. been reading (almost finished!) with a book by John Eldredge called Fathered by God. still in desperate need of buying me textbooks. things are well though. everything's good..