soft

i feel a little soft now, the kind of mood where you could tell me anything and i would listen, where i play Mat Kearney in the background, feel as if i am on the verge of meaningless tears, seem fragile and delicate, like a flower in a storm or a child lost in a city.

dad, can you hear me? can you even see me? do you even care?

God, save me. i don't want to go to church if i don't see You. i don't want to fall asleep if i don't find myself in Your arms, under Your gaze, lost in Your eyes, lost in You someone so madly in love, that i can't shake You despite my constant struggling and wrestling. i can't make it through the rest of tonight unless i meet You here, unless You reveal Yourself and speak precious words to me and hedge me in that we can finally work things out.

---

while sometimes i make things so complicated, in a moment of desperation, nothing could be more simple.

God, i need to know that You're there.

i need to feel You tonight.

i need You closer.

i'm tired and weary - take this burden off of me.

i feel lost and misguided,

disoriented, broken-hearted.

i just need to know You're there.

i want to see You smile over me.

i want to hear You say, "you're my son.

kill the fatted calf, I want to celebrate you.

I love You so much more. I want You so much more.

I'm pleased.

you don't have to do anything more,

be anything more,

know anything more.

just rest in this moment.

just know this.

know that i'm pleased."

and nothing could ever matter more than this. Christianity is either completely wrong and of no importance, or truth and of infinite significance. the one thing it can't be is moderate importance.