conviction/what i'm learning/EPIC updates

hey guys, hope everyone's doing well. popping up with an update of everything at OU. these past couple of days, i feel like God has really been doing a number on my heart, and it was pretty much completely unprecedented. (if anything, it wasn't precedented by anything i have been doing.)

i'll tell you guys the truth of what happened.

Jonathan was at OU last week for about 4 days, speaking at our large group and meeting with a lot of students, including all of our EPIC leadership and some of my other friends. the Monday he was here, we had a large group meeting in a building that we weren't supposed to get because i turned in the paperwork late. i thought the meeting would go about an hour, but it actually stretched to almost two and a half hours. we had an icebreaker and worship, and then Jonathan had the opportunity to do pretty much whatever he wanted. we had about 11 or 12 people, about 4 of which aren't Christian.

Jonathan pretty much very directly and openly discussed the God of the Bible, making a pretty complete gospel presentation and getting feedback from pretty much everyone there. i caught a vision of the Holy Spirit rushing into the room like the Day of Pentecost, realizing that God could blow everything up for Him at any moment now, that it wasn't beyond Him. Jonathan talked about God desiring relationship with us, God being just, how we should pursue knowing who God is and what He is about before we dive fully into a blind faith. we are not to blindly submit to a God that we know nothing about, but we are to seek what He is all about, and decide for ourselves whether He is worth following each day, whether He is worth giving our lives to.

one of the guys came to a conclusion that, if God judges according to what is right in His eyes, then there is some danger if what is right in our eyes doesn't align with what God thinks is right. later, another of the guys said that the gospel seemed really appealing and that he wanted to hear more, but he said he would feel shameful if he really ended up believing in all of it. later, Jonathan met up with another one of my friends and gave the full gospel presentation again, talking for more than an hour about who God is.

felt really blessed, got a lot of resources, and really felt a lot more confident that something really crazy could happen.

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for those of you who don't know, i started dating a girl named Suzi (some of you might have met her at Anthology - she plays worship for our EPIC). it's almost been 2 months now, but everything almost broke this past weekend (it was bad). she really got onto me for sexual impurity. after that happened last Saturday night, things really actually took off. it was a kind of conviction that could have only come from the Holy Spirit. my eyes were, in a sense, opened - i could see how far i've strayed from God, that i had become someone that i didn't like being.

because really, my heart for the past weeks or even months hasn't been for the things that God has a heart for. and i know i would have normally been so psyched when Jonathan came and was talking and presenting the gospel to my friends, some of which who have never received the full gospel presentation, but my mind was in another place. i simply wasn't focused.

and i think i'm beginning to realize a bit of what is going on. my heart hasn't been surrendered to God. i still do many of the right things, but i'm not passionate about it, not excited about it. and though i pray "let Your will be done," i'm honestly still very calloused and am pretty much unwilling to let my conduct be dictated by anything besides my own desires. i got to thinking, "why should God speak if i'm really not going to listen? why should He move if i'm not watching?" and i really haven't been waiting on Him, in terms of my conduct.

finally, i am really believing that God has just been waiting to do wonders and really bless me, or at least really reveal Himself to me at great levels (as He has promised), but the thing is that i haven't been paying attention. i haven't been waiting or watching, and so it is like God is waiting for me to get serious about Him before He moves again.

i realized i can't be serious about God without being serious about God's commandments.

and i realized that when you really love someone, you show it by your actions. it changes the way you live.

so God really has been blessing me immensely, and really blessing me now as i try to surrender absolutely everything. i'm more upbeat, and even my thoughts are a whole lot less judgmental. it's like i'm starting to have a heart for the things He has a heart for, like i'm really being changed into somebody different.

our EPIC leadership team is going to be going through a prayer devotional starting tomorrow: http://www.v2rfoundation.org/resources/PastorOh/ThePDL-E.pdf, a 21 day long "project."

things are certainly stirring up. recently, i read a book about the college revival (called Fireseeds), and it has really inspired me to dream. it has been more inspiring that if God moves, it won't matter who i am, and no one will be able to miss it. it's funny that, when it comes to God, competence doesn't mean much of anything...simply willingness. hopefully i remember that. right now, our leadership is composed of about 4 people, and i really hope to just continue to really pursue God and believe that He will reveal Himself in His timing and in His will. and to really wait on Him.

hope everyone is doing well. wanted to throw all of this stuff out there in hopes of encouragement, maybe something to think about, and just to witness that God is all too good to me. OU EPIC is continuing to move, and it is certainly exciting as i have seen 3 guys in particular take huge strides towards coming into relationship with Christ.

thanks for reading :)
david

the crap we do

Jesus' disciples ask Him, "who then can be saved?" and Jesus replies "with man, it's impossible, but with God, anything is possible."

this has been one of the nights that i just want to forget. all the judgment and whatever aside, i want to say that my God is so much greater and bigger and truer than me. never look at me to try to understand who God is, because then you won't have even a slightly accurate picture or conception of Him. i feel almost marred by such a conservative background. when i hear of people going partying and drinking, i'm not going to deny that i almost immediately get a bit uncomfortable. and that's kind of who i am right now, but i really believe that that's certainly not who God is.

i put myself in situations where i hurt myself over and over again. i am like a sheep - i wander into the same trap over and over again, hurting myself, being stupid and drunk and ignorant about it. i don't want to address the facts of anything, i just want to quit and be content in my own excuse for a life. my downfall is porn and masturbation. i fall into it over and over again.

i'm so stupid disqualified. are you any better? i can't say anything, but i wish i could. if i try to condemn you, i only condemn myself, or i only judge myself. i want to tell some people to stop thinking so highly of themselves, to stop putting themselves in stupid, dangerous situations, and the speck is in my eye too. i am so oblivious and unaware to how blessed i am, how everything is a gift, how lowly i really should be, and how undeserving i truly am.

a Christian is not someone who hates another person because they are of a different religion. a Christian is not someone who is ever any better than anyone else because of their religion - and it's such bullcrap for a Christian to even have the word "better" in their vocabulary, because Christianity has never been about being better than anyone else.

a Christian is not someone who hates another person because they may be homosexual and does not hate another person if they party or drink or have sex before marriage. if anything, Romans 1 says that God is angered at our unrighteousness - not us, but our unrighteousness. God is not mad at us - but He is mad at the stupid things that hurt us, the harmful situations we get ourselves stuck in, those things that hinder us and only make things worse, the things that make us believe that we must change because we're not good enough as we are right now. He's mad at the lies that society portrays, mad at the lies that people who need answers end up believing, mad at the way time wastes away when our hearts, so prone to wandering, fall into despair because of the cruelty of the world and because our hearts have forgotten what God's voice really sounds like.

so i want to clarify and say this - i don't care what you do, how you do it, or what you look like doing it. if it ended up hurting you, i hate that thing. if it's drinking, i hate that society has made that kind of abusive drinking cool or popular or fun. i hate the social and societal pressures, the false promises of satisfaction, justification, and fulfillment. are our eyes really so blind? all of our eyes - including mine? can we not see what is hurting us? can we not tell whether something fulfills or not? are we really so helpless that we cannot keep from these paths we said we wouldn't fall into?

finally, i want to come back to this. i believe God so desperately because i need Him. i need someone so much bigger than me, so much truer than i can comprehend, so much larger that my life means more than what i can understand. i need Him to love me when i don't deserve it - because i know what a failure i am already. i need someone who stays faithful to me when i am certainly not faithful to me. i need Him to be there for me every step of the way, even when i start running away from Him. that's what i need. love and grace and truth and joy and purpose. that's why i believe in God, and there's no other real reason. take away my God, you take away my life. to live is Christ - there's nothing else without Him.