one tough night

hey guys. i know my blog posts have gotten pretty scarce, but here's one because i need to get some stuff out. it's 4:17 am...and this is actually me after a five or so hour nap. hopefully i can write with more clarity than normal. you know, i think i'm just going to vent.

i have a tendency of somewhat overthinking things, complicating everything. i have a tendency of thinking things went downright terribly when they didn't necessarily go poorly at all. the last couple races i ever ran in high school i thought were awful until i finally stopped criticizing myself and looked at my times, and i felt that way after yesterday's Epic meeting, which was thrown together at the last minute. i talked about The Descent and Superman Returns, and it honestly felt like a drag. i wish i could have had more energy.

i read through Velvet Elvis about a year ago, and there's a chapter where the author, who is the pastor of the church, is hiding out right before one of the church's main services, and he is wondering how far he can get from the church before they would notice that he was gone. he was simply burnt out.

i feel a little like burning out. i feel a little like i'm taking on responsibilities that aren't even mine to take. i'm taking on a lot of pressure that doesn't belong on me. and that's not exactly courageous. that's kind of foolish, like trying to pay your bill when someone already paid it.

man. my thoughts are all over the place. it's been a while since i really felt God's love, since the word "God loves you" have sunk in for me. it's been too long that i've really been touched by that love. yesterday night was tough. at 11:30, i was looking for a one night stand, something to make all of my pains go away. my friend walked out of the room and i didn't say anything - i was conflicted, split between falling asleep struggling with Christ and using her. i guess this is the selfish me, the confused me, the angry me. at certain times, i start believing that i will hurt her, fail her, rob her. at certain times, i am haunted by some random song teeko played where a dad tells his daughter that guys are only looking for relations, not relationships. more commonly, i am haunted by the fear of becoming like my dad and thinking that i will fail in my relationships and be more like my dad than i want to be. that sounds a little like the responsibility or the pressure that i take on that is a bit unnecessary, that i can't actually handle. i can't be that perfect.

and, at a certain point, i feel burnt out because of this. because everything starts to look like obligation or duty again. yesterday, at our Epic meeting, one of the girls asked who was actually a Christian, and 7 of us raised our hands. she asked who wasn't, and 5 raised their hands. you know how i took it? i felt a little shamed. because i knew there wasn't anything i could do about it without God. i don't know why that should have irked me. i guess it just meant that i wasn't in control of things.

but let me consider this. let me dare to dream, dare to be ridiculous. i only have one of these Wednesdays, one of these February 4th, 2009's. what if i went all out again? how can i touch You? how can i give my heart out?