the New Testament + pain

central to Christianity is the idea of grace and that righteousness...rightness with God...comes from faith - by grace through faith. and central to the idea of grace is that it is not earned. so central to Christianity is the idea that being right with God is not earned, not something that we deserve.

when you see Christians walking around, you can call them out on it. ask them if they deserve their salvation, their lives. any good thing - ask them if it is their own or a gift. ask them if they have gotten to where they are because of what they've done or because what He's done.

an interesting thing is who i really am. my heart is easily distracted and disillusioned. i am quick to feel my own shame and disgrace, quick to be discouraged and focused on other things. my real faith is small and hesitant, my hands dirty, my mind unclean, my body prostituted to other gods. i am selfish and often hype myself up. i do not see myself as soberly as i should sometimes. i am cocky and believe i don't need God. then i am foolish and seek Him for my own gratification.

does not God know and see all of this, all that is in my heart? nothing is hidden from Him. one of the Psalms reads that He knows our very nature - He knows that we are made of dust. He understands where we are coming from. and if that didn't stop Him from giving everything away for me, i think it foolish that all of these things should stop me from giving everything away to Him. if He didn't disqualify me, how can i disqualify myself? if He already suffered and bought me and purchased me with His blood, is He not now alive? and are we not His, then?

i think that God knows how much we fall short and how much pain we can cause. it's funny thinking that God didn't die for us when we were at our best. when He died, He died for all of us. our best and our worst - what's beautiful about us and what's ugly about us. He's bigger than our shortcomings. and i really believe that He couldn't care less about our shortcomings.

by the law, we have no redemption, no hope. if you only had the Old Testament, all you would have is something telling you how you have strayed from the commands of God. when Jesus came, He brought forth a new covenant, or testament, and with that New Testament comes grace, hope, redemption. with that, our shortcomings suddenly became nothing. while there had been a chasm between us and righteousness, that gap had been bridged by grace, a free gift.

so if we are worried about hurting Christ, i think there is something wrong with that picture. the hurt has already taken place, it's behind us. God wants us and longs for us in remarkably ridiculous ways, but it is not like He cannot take the pain we cause Him. that doesn't mean we should take as many stabs at Him as we want - that's really not any kind of point i want to make. but i think it means that we don't have to worry about being too bad or too painful for God to want, pursue, or handle. besides, He knew what He was getting Himself into when He sacrificed it all, and He still went through with it. and He didn't go through with it begrudgingly. He wouldn't have done it if He didn't want to - and the result of His doing it? so that you could know Him and have Him.

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things have been going well. was in Dallas this past weekend for the EPIC central conference. got a lot of rest, had a great time with my friends from OU and some of my old friends from project. really enjoyed small groups, the worship, and the speaker - and i am not just saying that. coming back, i'm a little more sluggish than i should be. i have forgotten to honor God in my schoolwork - to be holy in literally everything that i do.

in terms of Epic - it's nice. we're coming up on the point where we, again, have no real idea what to do. hopefully we can just get small groups started again and pursue God together. i'm not sure how much real growth we've been able to do since the beginning of last semester. or perhaps it's something that has a lot to do with personal initiative. anyways, we are very close to being able to turn in our application to be a student organization, and we are planning on introducing a community service component to the organization. the weather is great, so we will hopefully be able to have some more prayer nights.

may i never forget to dream impossible things. as adidas said it, impossible is nothing.

anyways, hope you guys are doing well. valentine's day coming up, weekend closing in fast. need to get some homework done - i'm at tutoring right now. getting more mileage though, lately, with the good weather. let's see what happens :) go for broke.

one tough night

hey guys. i know my blog posts have gotten pretty scarce, but here's one because i need to get some stuff out. it's 4:17 am...and this is actually me after a five or so hour nap. hopefully i can write with more clarity than normal. you know, i think i'm just going to vent.

i have a tendency of somewhat overthinking things, complicating everything. i have a tendency of thinking things went downright terribly when they didn't necessarily go poorly at all. the last couple races i ever ran in high school i thought were awful until i finally stopped criticizing myself and looked at my times, and i felt that way after yesterday's Epic meeting, which was thrown together at the last minute. i talked about The Descent and Superman Returns, and it honestly felt like a drag. i wish i could have had more energy.

i read through Velvet Elvis about a year ago, and there's a chapter where the author, who is the pastor of the church, is hiding out right before one of the church's main services, and he is wondering how far he can get from the church before they would notice that he was gone. he was simply burnt out.

i feel a little like burning out. i feel a little like i'm taking on responsibilities that aren't even mine to take. i'm taking on a lot of pressure that doesn't belong on me. and that's not exactly courageous. that's kind of foolish, like trying to pay your bill when someone already paid it.

man. my thoughts are all over the place. it's been a while since i really felt God's love, since the word "God loves you" have sunk in for me. it's been too long that i've really been touched by that love. yesterday night was tough. at 11:30, i was looking for a one night stand, something to make all of my pains go away. my friend walked out of the room and i didn't say anything - i was conflicted, split between falling asleep struggling with Christ and using her. i guess this is the selfish me, the confused me, the angry me. at certain times, i start believing that i will hurt her, fail her, rob her. at certain times, i am haunted by some random song teeko played where a dad tells his daughter that guys are only looking for relations, not relationships. more commonly, i am haunted by the fear of becoming like my dad and thinking that i will fail in my relationships and be more like my dad than i want to be. that sounds a little like the responsibility or the pressure that i take on that is a bit unnecessary, that i can't actually handle. i can't be that perfect.

and, at a certain point, i feel burnt out because of this. because everything starts to look like obligation or duty again. yesterday, at our Epic meeting, one of the girls asked who was actually a Christian, and 7 of us raised our hands. she asked who wasn't, and 5 raised their hands. you know how i took it? i felt a little shamed. because i knew there wasn't anything i could do about it without God. i don't know why that should have irked me. i guess it just meant that i wasn't in control of things.

but let me consider this. let me dare to dream, dare to be ridiculous. i only have one of these Wednesdays, one of these February 4th, 2009's. what if i went all out again? how can i touch You? how can i give my heart out?

anticipation for Central Conference + update/thoughts

turns out Norman iced over last week, scoring us 2 1/2 days off of school. we had our very first EPIC prayer meeting a couple of nights ago. i don't know if you could call it a vision, but there's this big, open area at OU at the Sarkey's Center that is made completely of bricks and has this big fountain, so i thought it would be cool if we went there and prayed sometime. and though it was cold, we got a couple of people there, split off and prayed on our own for about 15 minutes, and then came back and prayed together. and there was actually a really good response to it. there was honestly a lot of grace. eyes being opened, chains being broken

we're starting to really look forward to this Central Conference in Dallas this weekend. i pray that God moves in a way that only He does, that would be so shocked and awed at the beauty of His majesty and the humility of His sacrifice and the magnificence and boundlessness of His love. a lot is happening, and i'm glad that i get to be a part of it. even if Epic totally dissipates, it will be nice to still simply be a part of a Christian community, where we were able to support each other and grow together. Epic isn't the end all, but i'm glad that it is something that possibly does have much bigger implications. and i guess it's that much more important to be focused on God, to be proud of God, to find life in God, and to never let Epic be god.

things are slowly falling together for a large group tomorrow night, and when i say falling together, i really mean it. we didn't start planning soon enough, so i'm not sure who exactly is speaking or when/where we are meeting. just that something is happening tomorrow night, and it will be something good.

i'm still struggling with being productive - hanging out much more than doing work. but today is my first day tutoring, so i will hopefully be forced to have much more structure, and i will be able to get my schoolwork done. things have been happening lately - i guess with Epic, and with my best friend, and with this guy that i had lunch with over the weekend. the things that i am hearing, the people that i get to be around - i really feel like the luckiest guy in the world. how could i not be content? only if i take my eyes off Him. talk about blessing. but i should boast in my weakness. be sober.

anyways, that's how things have been going lately. Epic is still going, i'm talking to people about personal things, others are talking about returning towards proximity with God. and i am really blessed. and i'm undeserving, but you couldn't possibly know how undeserving i really am. that is what's so amazing about grace. i deserve hell. when things get bad, i'll probably lose focus, faithfulness, momentum. i'll start freaking out, pointing fingers, complaining. even when things are all right, my eyes still wander and my heart is still prodigal. i regard my reputation too much, am unwilling to show reckless, sacrificial love. my thoughts are malicious. i judge all too often, question and doubt all too often, am ignorant and unengaged all too often. just like Samson or Jacob might come off as a jerk (or Paul), i am the same way.

the only thing i got going for me is God, and that He is holding onto me. it is certainly not the other way around.

anyways, hope you guys are having a good time. got a semi-busy week, more Epic stuff, a lot of excitement and anticipation for the weekend. stir up and consume, Lord. thanks for reading, God bless.