hey guys. sorry, this is a long overdue update. after winter break, i found myself in San Francisco for a weekend for the Epic West Coast Conference, and been back in Norman for just a week. being at Conference was awesome, and it's pretty unbelievable, because there is another conference in just two weeks in Dallas that we'll drive down to.
lately, i've been letting fatigue dictate how i feel way too much, or what i do. i even let it affect me beyond reason in San Francisco. now, it seems like i just sleep too much - complacent. this semester is different in that i am only taking 15 hours - 5 classes - and i don't really like some of them. i guess they just seem...uninteresting.
and i bet i'm going to keep going with computer science, but i am starting to wonder if that is really what i will make my career. at conference, the speaker said that, all too regularly, we make our degrees or careers or livelihood our idols. another student said that we shouldn't go to college to learn to make a living, but to learn to make a difference. i was afraid God might call me to go on another summer project this summer with Campus Crusades or Epic because i didn't want to make my mom mad. on the inside, i think i was just as afraid God wouldn't call me, and i would be stuck to the mundane or the normalcy of an internship. a couple of years ago, i knew i had to go on a mission trip or something over the summer, because i didn't want my fire to go out. i had to be changed, i had to have that encounter, and a mission trip was the only way i knew how to get that encounter.
i've heard people say that they simply put themselves in risky, uncomfortable, and even dangerous situations because they know that it will force them to rely and depend on God. it would keep them from forgetting, keep them from relying on their own strength. being right with God would be the only option. conversing with Him, being fulfilled by Him, trusting Him at every step would have been the only way.
i guess i do have options. OU's CRU is going to Mexico City for spring break, and EPIC has all sorts of projects going to Japan to Southeast Asia to New York.
---
i have begun to fall in love. with who or what, you may ask. i'm not sure. i don't know what to say.
with that said, things seem to be a whole lot more complicated. i feel the shadows lurking from my dad and my sister, pressures i don't know how to deal with. i feel impending failure, wishing my dad would have taught me more how to treat and love a girl. i feel impending shame, the voices of faceless spectators saying, "he's just like his dad." i feel the troubles of past relationships, knowing i have failed and fallen, that i have wronged and mistreated and abused and been ignorant and still just as immature. i feel the trouble of current relationship, wondering if my priorities could possibly still be straight, questioning whether my folly could be tolerated, or if there will be mercy for me doing something with my whole heart. i feel the fear of stuffing the issues and replacing insecurity with unhealthy relationship.
i seemed to set all of these standards and dreams and goals, and i guess i'm pretty much on the brink of breaking all of them. i'm not confident in myself. i heard one of my friends say that he thought that he would be so lucky just to have a girl who would be willing to spend the rest of her life with him, and i read the exact same thing in a Donald Miller book. they didn't feel worthy, didn't feel deserving - they knew the blessing of a partner. i don't know if i'm making this girl god, or if i'm trying to cover my own insecurities and fears by being with her. i haven't known her that long. what would happen if everything broke? could i ruin myself? sometimes i feel just like taking a bullet to my heart. not to say i would shoot myself - just that i want to put to death once and for all my selfishness, the part of me that is still married to this world, the part of me that is not surrendered to His will.
---
i don't really know. where is my head, my heart, my passion, my eyes, my love? Jonah got to run away and God found him. Samson was a jerk and God still heard his cry. Same goes for Paul and Peter.
i guess i feel so conflicted, so lost, so confused. i need to do some reading and spend some time rethinking all of this.
---
Norman's supposed to ice over tomorrow. one of my friends got me a Texas shirt at the West Coast conference just last week. i wore it today to the OU cafeteria and kind of got a rough comment. not exactly a threat, but enough to realize just how big the rivalry is. OU takes football very seriously. can't wait for Epic Anthology coming up, but i need to buckle down and run hard, go for broke, go all out. seriously.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
true love
“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.” 1 John 4:16a
I recently asked one of my friends if she thought that we were ever blinded by love, and she said that the only love she really knew was God’s. She said that this was the only real love she had ever experienced, and so it made sense to base a relationship with anyone else on that same love that she had found in God. We have such trouble loving others without loving God because, in that moment, we would not have had a Godly love to base our own love off of. Just as God is love, without really knowing the extent and the fullness of God’s love, it would be impossible to truly love another being. And that love is like wisdom from heaven (James 1:5, James 3:17) or a mirror by which things are truly seen – we are not blinded by this love; rather, we see things clearly through it. That love is clarity and humility and unselfishness, understanding and peace beyond understanding.
And assuming that true love is defined and shown only by God, it wouldn’t make sense to try to enter into a loving relationship with another human being without first bringing into that picture the very love that you had discovered and received from God. It would make sense that our love and ability to love would flow from God – would overflow from our understanding and our experiencing more and more of God’s love. The more we are loved by God, the more we are able to love others. The less we accept love from God, the weaker our capacity to truly love others.
It would then follow to make sense that we must be first and foremost completed and loved by God. And it is in this completion and fulfillment and exposure to true love that we can then love others in healthy relationships. Without such satiation in Christ, it would be impossible to truly love.
The morning after the conversation, I began to read through 1 John and stumbled upon a verse that sums most of this up: 1 John 3:16. “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us.” Our views of love, apart from the story of God’s love for us, are distorted. Many believe that love is when you feel so good about the person that you want to spend all your time with them, when things are romantic and beautiful, when your heart feels heaven. 1 John 4:10 then reads, “This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” It is not that love is feeling – but an attitude or mindset, a gravitation or commitment to a higher way. Love is beyond feeling – choosing to see and know and hope and accept regardless of the person or the person’s actions.
And take that a step farther, because we did not love God, and He sent His Son to die for us. In examining Christ’s love, we find that our own conception of love is still not to the extent of the love that we have been shown. It is notable that we have not loved God – we are not deserving, not worthy of receiving love from Him. It is notable that He created us for His glory, to be in loving relationship with Him, and while we had no life or power apart from Him, we began to believe we were our own gods and had no need for the One who alone gives our lives meaning (Romans 1:21-23, John 1:10-11). It is notable then that He did something about it – He allowed His worthiness to be destroyed and defiled – by us – for us, while we were still unworthy, while we had failed to see the enormity of our offense.
Before Jesus’ crucifixion, He is brought on trial and questioned before different judges. Several testify against Him, and their accounts don’t even make sense, and He refuses to answer them. He remains silent. The only thing He really does is confirm that He is the Son of God, that He is the Messiah.
“The chief priests accused Him of many things. So again Pilate asked Him, ‘Aren’t you going to answer? See how many things they are accusing you of.’ But Jesus still made no reply, and Pilate was amazed.” (Mark 15:3-5)
He had no answer for their accusations. He did not defend Himself. Instead, He silently went to the cross. No doubt, He had a lot He could have bragged about. He opened the eyes of the blind and healed the sick, causing the lame to walk and the mute to speak and the demon-possessed to be set free. He had not been like the spiritual leaders of the time and acted unjustly, seeking to build for Himself a kingdom on earth. In fact, He was unlike anything the world has ever seen. He associated with the poor and the outcasts and made His company with prostitutes and tax collectors. No doubt He had His answers. He could have defended Himself. He could have gotten off that cross and saved Himself; more than that, He could have wreaked havoc in such an unfathomable way that our agony would have been unceasing. [Is He then wrong if man goes to hell? Or is He just?]
He didn’t defend Himself. He defended us.
“But if anybody does sin, we have One who speaks to the Father in our defense – Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.” 1 John 2:1b
This is love. That we were wretches, deserving of hell, unworthy of life. We turned our backs on the only One that matters, the very reason we are alive. And that very One turned around and gave Himself to us, because our very murder of Him would set us free, could possibly usher us back into relationship with Him.
This is love. Not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
I recently asked one of my friends if she thought that we were ever blinded by love, and she said that the only love she really knew was God’s. She said that this was the only real love she had ever experienced, and so it made sense to base a relationship with anyone else on that same love that she had found in God. We have such trouble loving others without loving God because, in that moment, we would not have had a Godly love to base our own love off of. Just as God is love, without really knowing the extent and the fullness of God’s love, it would be impossible to truly love another being. And that love is like wisdom from heaven (James 1:5, James 3:17) or a mirror by which things are truly seen – we are not blinded by this love; rather, we see things clearly through it. That love is clarity and humility and unselfishness, understanding and peace beyond understanding.
And assuming that true love is defined and shown only by God, it wouldn’t make sense to try to enter into a loving relationship with another human being without first bringing into that picture the very love that you had discovered and received from God. It would make sense that our love and ability to love would flow from God – would overflow from our understanding and our experiencing more and more of God’s love. The more we are loved by God, the more we are able to love others. The less we accept love from God, the weaker our capacity to truly love others.
It would then follow to make sense that we must be first and foremost completed and loved by God. And it is in this completion and fulfillment and exposure to true love that we can then love others in healthy relationships. Without such satiation in Christ, it would be impossible to truly love.
The morning after the conversation, I began to read through 1 John and stumbled upon a verse that sums most of this up: 1 John 3:16. “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us.” Our views of love, apart from the story of God’s love for us, are distorted. Many believe that love is when you feel so good about the person that you want to spend all your time with them, when things are romantic and beautiful, when your heart feels heaven. 1 John 4:10 then reads, “This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” It is not that love is feeling – but an attitude or mindset, a gravitation or commitment to a higher way. Love is beyond feeling – choosing to see and know and hope and accept regardless of the person or the person’s actions.
And take that a step farther, because we did not love God, and He sent His Son to die for us. In examining Christ’s love, we find that our own conception of love is still not to the extent of the love that we have been shown. It is notable that we have not loved God – we are not deserving, not worthy of receiving love from Him. It is notable that He created us for His glory, to be in loving relationship with Him, and while we had no life or power apart from Him, we began to believe we were our own gods and had no need for the One who alone gives our lives meaning (Romans 1:21-23, John 1:10-11). It is notable then that He did something about it – He allowed His worthiness to be destroyed and defiled – by us – for us, while we were still unworthy, while we had failed to see the enormity of our offense.
Before Jesus’ crucifixion, He is brought on trial and questioned before different judges. Several testify against Him, and their accounts don’t even make sense, and He refuses to answer them. He remains silent. The only thing He really does is confirm that He is the Son of God, that He is the Messiah.
“The chief priests accused Him of many things. So again Pilate asked Him, ‘Aren’t you going to answer? See how many things they are accusing you of.’ But Jesus still made no reply, and Pilate was amazed.” (Mark 15:3-5)
He had no answer for their accusations. He did not defend Himself. Instead, He silently went to the cross. No doubt, He had a lot He could have bragged about. He opened the eyes of the blind and healed the sick, causing the lame to walk and the mute to speak and the demon-possessed to be set free. He had not been like the spiritual leaders of the time and acted unjustly, seeking to build for Himself a kingdom on earth. In fact, He was unlike anything the world has ever seen. He associated with the poor and the outcasts and made His company with prostitutes and tax collectors. No doubt He had His answers. He could have defended Himself. He could have gotten off that cross and saved Himself; more than that, He could have wreaked havoc in such an unfathomable way that our agony would have been unceasing. [Is He then wrong if man goes to hell? Or is He just?]
He didn’t defend Himself. He defended us.
“But if anybody does sin, we have One who speaks to the Father in our defense – Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.” 1 John 2:1b
This is love. That we were wretches, deserving of hell, unworthy of life. We turned our backs on the only One that matters, the very reason we are alive. And that very One turned around and gave Himself to us, because our very murder of Him would set us free, could possibly usher us back into relationship with Him.
This is love. Not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
my story
i rarely feel this understanding that my words are not delicate enough to express the depths of my heart.
i used to think that my life story would fare well as a movie. i thought people could benefit from silently following through my life - i believed i had a very different perspective to offer the world. i believed that i was different in what i saw, how i lived...i considered myself an underdog, going through all sorts of impossible odds and challenges to find myself. not just to make it through the chaos of a single high school day or week, but something greater, something that resonated with humanity, even if i couldn't put my finger on just what it was i was finding.
i believe that i am no longer like this. at least as of late, i am no longer fighting my greater battles, overcoming impossibilities, pressing on to that greater thing that touches my heart, makes my heart feel like dancing. it is almost like i have traded away passion for routine, i have traded exhilaration and adventure for callouses.
i want to fall in love. i guess i was reminded today of what that really looks like. not obligation or duty. not even because it's the right thing to do - what it means to truly love someone. at that point, you watch what you do because you want to be pleasing to that other person. it just makes sense not to do something that will hurt them, because you don't want to hurt them - you don't want to turn them away. they mean something to you - they have a place in your heart reserved for them that nothing can replace or steal away. what is really going on here is an interaction, a story between two hearts. and love is making your heart about the other person's heart. love is choosing that person's heart over yours. love is being about that person's heart.
i guess i have been thinking these thoughts because i am staying the night at one of my friends' houses in Norman, whose sister i had chemistry with last year. throughout the night, i've been thinking that, if i had a scholarship to give, i would give her one. i've been thinking that hers is the life that belongs on a movie screen, a true story of overcoming odds and loving others, not complaining but counting blessings, not giving up but moving forward and accepting the challenge. the way that i see her love really is like a new song, a breath of life, something that resonates with humanity, something i would want to watch at the movies.
---
i want to feel that way about God. i want my heart to be moved by Him. demons heard His name and trembled. the spiritual leaders of Jesus' time heard His name and took offense, so much that they beat Him up on at least 3 separate occasions after He allowed them to arrest Him. i hear His name, and i wonder if i just stand around. i want my heart to be moved, out of passion, love, affection. i want to be so deeply connected with Him that i cannot hear His name without my heart being awakened.
i used to think that my life story would fare well as a movie. i thought people could benefit from silently following through my life - i believed i had a very different perspective to offer the world. i believed that i was different in what i saw, how i lived...i considered myself an underdog, going through all sorts of impossible odds and challenges to find myself. not just to make it through the chaos of a single high school day or week, but something greater, something that resonated with humanity, even if i couldn't put my finger on just what it was i was finding.
i believe that i am no longer like this. at least as of late, i am no longer fighting my greater battles, overcoming impossibilities, pressing on to that greater thing that touches my heart, makes my heart feel like dancing. it is almost like i have traded away passion for routine, i have traded exhilaration and adventure for callouses.
i want to fall in love. i guess i was reminded today of what that really looks like. not obligation or duty. not even because it's the right thing to do - what it means to truly love someone. at that point, you watch what you do because you want to be pleasing to that other person. it just makes sense not to do something that will hurt them, because you don't want to hurt them - you don't want to turn them away. they mean something to you - they have a place in your heart reserved for them that nothing can replace or steal away. what is really going on here is an interaction, a story between two hearts. and love is making your heart about the other person's heart. love is choosing that person's heart over yours. love is being about that person's heart.
i guess i have been thinking these thoughts because i am staying the night at one of my friends' houses in Norman, whose sister i had chemistry with last year. throughout the night, i've been thinking that, if i had a scholarship to give, i would give her one. i've been thinking that hers is the life that belongs on a movie screen, a true story of overcoming odds and loving others, not complaining but counting blessings, not giving up but moving forward and accepting the challenge. the way that i see her love really is like a new song, a breath of life, something that resonates with humanity, something i would want to watch at the movies.
---
i want to feel that way about God. i want my heart to be moved by Him. demons heard His name and trembled. the spiritual leaders of Jesus' time heard His name and took offense, so much that they beat Him up on at least 3 separate occasions after He allowed them to arrest Him. i hear His name, and i wonder if i just stand around. i want my heart to be moved, out of passion, love, affection. i want to be so deeply connected with Him that i cannot hear His name without my heart being awakened.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
a new chapter (be still my soul)
hey guys. here again, closing off a section of my life and starting anew. part of that is just this idea of a new year, part of it is that my sister just got married yesterday, and it is still a bit strange for me to think that she will be living in a different house. the past two days have been pretty chaotic, but, i think about it, and realize that it's been pretty chaotic for my mom and sister for at least weeks now. hopefully my sister gets a huge chance to relax - no joke - now that the covenant has been sealed.
and, well, as for me...i guess i'm just waiting to see what happens. i have two very great friends that i went to Chicago with one spring break a couple of years ago who are getting married this week - so back-to-back weddings, and i get to be an usher. i spent nearly my whole freshman year growing with them spiritually - being in a small group together, i started reading my Bible regularly for the first time and began to re-realize the importance and significance of prayer. we read a book the second semester about the prayer room movement and gathered on Wednesday nights for dinner and discussion. we were even able to do a fast and several hours of prayer last year. so hopefully their wedding will be great - that's next week.
the week after, i'll get the chance to be in San Francisco for a couple of days for the Epic West Coast Conference. i've been sorta waiting for this since i made friends at project this past summer and we left. i've almost forgotten what it is like to live in Godly community, to really feel God's love through the unity of His people. man, what a great month. i wonder if i'll get a chance to run. regardless, i can't wait to see a lot of people.
after the conference, i get to spend a night in San Fran, miss a day of school, and come back right in time for the first CRU of the year at OU. don't really know what this new semester holds in store - hopefully i will be able to stay on track and schedules work out for Epic small groups. we managed to have one last semester, and i'm sorta hoping we can establish two, and also establish as a student organization so we can reserve rooms and just kinda be recognized. i've been thinking lately of all of these different things we could do, hoping that we really will be like a single body, moving and growing with momentum, to be a God-centered community, inviting and loving and praying and serving and loving some more. [i really should be praying more diligently for it and for everyone.] i've been thinking of praise nights at the Union and prayer nights at Sarkeys and the Epic conference in Dallas in February.
but really, whatever happens, the only real thing i can do is praise His name. to remember my past and hope for the future. i read through Habakkuk today in church, and most of it was a bit confusing. actually, the only part i really remember are the very last two or three verses, that say that, no matter what happens - in life and death, in sickness and health, essentially - i will praise the Lord and look to Him. though i may be weak, i will lose myself in Him, for He is strong. though i am faithless and inconsistent and irresponsible, that is all the more reason to praise and exalt One who is faithful and doesn't change and loves on us in a way that our hearts cannot even fathom.
felt like today was kind of lame, didn't know if my heart was being sincere. i didn't really pay attention at TCCC (hence, reading Habakkuk) and we didn't even have youth group. afterwards, i took a nap, and went to Guts church. during worship, i tried to pray and get into it, and felt like God was just telling me to be still and sorta enjoy the music. dozed throughout the short sermon (the whole service was less than an hour) and then drove home. been on the computer, with a little bit of reading and guitar, since, and feeling like i've sorta wasted the time.
new years resolutions? usually i try to set these. i think i've sorta gotten a big head lately. i know i don't love like Jesus did. i show a lot of partiality. just a day or two ago, someone corrected me, and my response was anything but Godly. whether or not it was legit, my response certainly wasn't. i fumed over it for several hours before i let it go, silently and wordlessly cursing in my mind. i guess my resolutions aren't that clear. i thought about trying to resolve to spend more time in the prayer room at the Loft, since i wasn't able to do that this past semester. reasserted my resolution to stay single for the rest of the school year. i don't know what will happen after that. it makes sense that that kind of resolution should be more of a heart condition than... just a rule that is followed.
i want to be wherever i go. does that make sense? wherever i go, i want to really be there, for my mind or heart to be there. i remember, one time in Tanzania, we went to the Serengeti, the world's largest natural wildlife preserve. when we were getting there, i was admittedly falling asleep in the jeep. i wasn't there. at my sister's wedding, i'm sorry and confess, i don't know how much of me was there. this semester, i guess i just want to be there, wherever i go. not to miss out. but to live each day like it's the only day i have, because things truly are that way.
hope anyone reading this is having a good time. will catch you guys later :)
and, well, as for me...i guess i'm just waiting to see what happens. i have two very great friends that i went to Chicago with one spring break a couple of years ago who are getting married this week - so back-to-back weddings, and i get to be an usher. i spent nearly my whole freshman year growing with them spiritually - being in a small group together, i started reading my Bible regularly for the first time and began to re-realize the importance and significance of prayer. we read a book the second semester about the prayer room movement and gathered on Wednesday nights for dinner and discussion. we were even able to do a fast and several hours of prayer last year. so hopefully their wedding will be great - that's next week.
the week after, i'll get the chance to be in San Francisco for a couple of days for the Epic West Coast Conference. i've been sorta waiting for this since i made friends at project this past summer and we left. i've almost forgotten what it is like to live in Godly community, to really feel God's love through the unity of His people. man, what a great month. i wonder if i'll get a chance to run. regardless, i can't wait to see a lot of people.
after the conference, i get to spend a night in San Fran, miss a day of school, and come back right in time for the first CRU of the year at OU. don't really know what this new semester holds in store - hopefully i will be able to stay on track and schedules work out for Epic small groups. we managed to have one last semester, and i'm sorta hoping we can establish two, and also establish as a student organization so we can reserve rooms and just kinda be recognized. i've been thinking lately of all of these different things we could do, hoping that we really will be like a single body, moving and growing with momentum, to be a God-centered community, inviting and loving and praying and serving and loving some more. [i really should be praying more diligently for it and for everyone.] i've been thinking of praise nights at the Union and prayer nights at Sarkeys and the Epic conference in Dallas in February.
but really, whatever happens, the only real thing i can do is praise His name. to remember my past and hope for the future. i read through Habakkuk today in church, and most of it was a bit confusing. actually, the only part i really remember are the very last two or three verses, that say that, no matter what happens - in life and death, in sickness and health, essentially - i will praise the Lord and look to Him. though i may be weak, i will lose myself in Him, for He is strong. though i am faithless and inconsistent and irresponsible, that is all the more reason to praise and exalt One who is faithful and doesn't change and loves on us in a way that our hearts cannot even fathom.
felt like today was kind of lame, didn't know if my heart was being sincere. i didn't really pay attention at TCCC (hence, reading Habakkuk) and we didn't even have youth group. afterwards, i took a nap, and went to Guts church. during worship, i tried to pray and get into it, and felt like God was just telling me to be still and sorta enjoy the music. dozed throughout the short sermon (the whole service was less than an hour) and then drove home. been on the computer, with a little bit of reading and guitar, since, and feeling like i've sorta wasted the time.
new years resolutions? usually i try to set these. i think i've sorta gotten a big head lately. i know i don't love like Jesus did. i show a lot of partiality. just a day or two ago, someone corrected me, and my response was anything but Godly. whether or not it was legit, my response certainly wasn't. i fumed over it for several hours before i let it go, silently and wordlessly cursing in my mind. i guess my resolutions aren't that clear. i thought about trying to resolve to spend more time in the prayer room at the Loft, since i wasn't able to do that this past semester. reasserted my resolution to stay single for the rest of the school year. i don't know what will happen after that. it makes sense that that kind of resolution should be more of a heart condition than... just a rule that is followed.
i want to be wherever i go. does that make sense? wherever i go, i want to really be there, for my mind or heart to be there. i remember, one time in Tanzania, we went to the Serengeti, the world's largest natural wildlife preserve. when we were getting there, i was admittedly falling asleep in the jeep. i wasn't there. at my sister's wedding, i'm sorry and confess, i don't know how much of me was there. this semester, i guess i just want to be there, wherever i go. not to miss out. but to live each day like it's the only day i have, because things truly are that way.
hope anyone reading this is having a good time. will catch you guys later :)
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