my first homework binge

my first homework binge, an Expository Writing essay about war crimes. worked on it for two hours, and i think i have something good enough to satisfy myself. Went to Chi Alpha Ministries tonight and things were simply amazing. i've been getting different perspectives on God lately, i guess you could say.

one night i played worship with Aileen, the same day i had been criticizing Christians on Campus, and God was a little like a lion. Someone who didn't deserve (definitely didn't deserve) to have people walk around telling others that they represented Him when they couldn't even love one another. how...i have no business telling people that i'm a Christian if i can't love other people or genuinely want to communicate with someone (deep calling out to deep).

and today...it was like i wanted to get closer to God because i wanted to get to take part in His work. and when it says to count it all joy when you fall into various trials in James 1, it really meant that you should count it all joy. you should enjoy it... because God's changing you. saving, enabling, disciplining you. making you faster. getting you to a point where you can join Him in His work.

then there's the ever important point that we can't do it. we can't beat sin. God's bigger than sin, and He's the only way we overcome. so i really want to run as fast as i can, while i stilll have to remember that i can never run fast enough, and that i'm not bigger than sin and fall horribly and miserably short out of my own strength. this is difficult.

and there's another important point. with God, being yourself is the only way to go. it's the only way that matters and it even makes sense to just be yourself when it comes to ministry. just as long as you are in God's will, just be yourself, and talk about what you want to talk about and do the things that you want to do. you're free to run and dance and live, so don't hold back. i guess it gets more complicated when it comes to ministry because it needs to be God's timing and God's will, but it's still essentially the same thing. just be yourself and do what you can - love on people. and God will do the impossible. He'll do the saving...He is, after all, in the business of saving lives.

it really does strike me that..college is a place to grow. it's not exactly a place to do, and it shouldn't be about doing, but if we could do things simply out of a desire to get closer to God...then we'd be closer to God. it wouldn't even matter about the things we did or do or didn't do. this is something i have a very hard time understanding.

as of late, i've been thinking about how to get to certain steps in my walk with God, and it seems like i should have to do things like read the Bible or get in a whole bunch of small groups or church fellowships and whatnot and complete a Bible course online or finish my five year plan. but it's not about that. it's about God's plan, and if He needed me to be ready for something in a split second, a single instance, then i would suddenly have it, regardless of whether i should be able to do it or not, regardless of whether i was ready. this is what i struggle with. i look around and see Godly men and women and i wonder how they got to be where they are with God, and i think it's something they did, and i guess it is in part something they did. they desired God. they simply wanted Him... this is my prayer.