interlude for your rainy days (being bored)

i was at Riverwalk, Los Cabos, waiting for my mom to get out of a meeting, and listening to this guy sing and play music on his guitar. and a little girl went up to him with her mom and it was her birthday, so he played a song for them, and they danced and were happy, and it was like one of those Kodak moments or what belongs on TV because it's like you can lose yourself in moments like those. you can lose yourself in the music and the happiness of someone's birthday or more so the happiness that you get to be blessed with being such an integral part of someone's life, and that's when time fails to exist and you're no longer wondering what's going to happen once conflict arises. and, i don't know. you can tell looking at people like this that they enjoy their lives. their days are interesting and exciting, there aren't many dull moments.

and i say that because it has made me realize: i think i'm bored with my life. honestly. my days have been very unexciting and i sleep in way too long each day and i don't really ever get anything done and i'm just running through routines, trying to get to the end of the day so i can sleep. this is a lot different from never wanting the day to end. it's like i'm no longer living, i'm just going through motions.

if this was a math problem, or say a recipe for a soup, or, let's just say both, x% of the soup is going to be made of being content with who you are, and y% of the soup is going to be faith. (one should note that we would also have to take into effect the God factor, which will invariably ruin any math problem or soup recipe, because the God factor is definitely not formulaic or mathematically sound.) and when you have the right ingredients, you end up with a rather exciting soup

i think faith is exciting. faith would brighten up your day, seeing God work and whatnot. it says in 1 John that the only thing by which we overcome the world is by our faith. and that's exciting - to overcome the world. and i will admit that i could use more faith, but i don't think faith is exactly my problem right now.

i think my problem is that i'm not comfortable with who i am. i want my life to be like a TV show, i want me to be different, i am bored with myself, i don't accept myself. and a big part of accepting yourself, or being comfortable with yourself and sorta loving or forgiving yourself, is that you can't let God love you if you don't choose to see yourself the way He sees you - a sinner saved by grace. if you slum around in all of your inadequacies, not letting God work in you because you are so convinced that you are helplessly doomed, then God won't have all of you, and that's what He wants more than anything. or, if it's the opposite, and you have a sense of self-righteousness and that you are sufficient and don't need help, then it's the same thing. it's like living a lie...

and though i think i might have found my problem, i am still at a complete loss of what to do, because i am still tired everyday, and i am certainly not ready for what is going to happen in Tanzania or even Michigan. so i hope i am somehow greatly prepared within the next 48 or so hours.

another note: that soup recipe is weird in that it defies math. the more faith and the more comfortable you are with yourself or with who you are called to be, the better soup you have. they are not at all inversely proportional, so that if one goes up, the other goes down because your soup needs to have 100% of all ingredients. rather, if you could make your soup about 50000% faith and 184000% comfort with who you are, then that would be a rather good soup, i think. i guess this sorta does defy math.