i think i'm going to be taking a break from writing up here for a while. i'm in Tanzania with people from my school on a mission trip starting Sunday for about three weeks, and then i'll be back again. think i'm gonna be doing more journalling on paper because i haven't done that for a while and it seems to mean a lot more when i write things down on actual paper (because it is more time consuming, at least). i usually journal when i'm on a mission trip, and once i get back from Tanzania, i have a week until i leave for Michigan, so i'll just keep on journalling and get the whole summer. hopefully i can see the changes in me between each trip, so it will hopefully all be good. as for this Blogger, i'm not gonna put anything new up while i'm in Tanzania (i suspect), and i think i'm just going to be putting up things i've already written because i'm a little brain dead right now; hence the title Save this for a Rainy Day, it's a little long. this was the first two or three pages of the first chapter when i started an idea for writing a book a year ago:
I spent a night outside praying one day, just sitting on my front lawn and watching stars, the first time it started getting cold here. The thing is, I had been going through some pretty hard times. I fell to lust earlier that day and I had spent the week not only battling that lust, but battling scorching hot track workouts. I should have really felt condemned, and I’m kinda surprised that I wasn’t. Instead, I had peace and everything seemed fine, even though it was still kind of bumming that I had allowed myself to fall. And that was God, and I spent that time wondering if the really nice, cool weather was just for me – the whole idea of a personal God. That great weather…that was the thing I thought about the most, probably. I later realized that the pains from running in the sun the entire previous week had never entered my mind – that everything bad that had happened had instantly disappeared. God picks me up with sunsets and cold nights, so much that I forget that I’m the one that doesn’t deserve any of the grace and should rather be sent to hell or honked at obnoxiously.
I like thinking of myself as a big deal, like if I could ever get MTV to make a reality show out of my real life, I think a lot of people could learn a lot. I guess that's why it's so huge that God is a personal God, and you actually get a relationship with Him. I think if you really do think about it, it would stink to worship an impersonal God because you're trying to worship something that doesn't really notice you at all - you're just another one of millions of people doing the same thing. that's why all of the people who try to get on TV end up only being another face in the crowd, but if you try to go after God, He'll always pick you out of the crowd for something amazing, something that feels like you're the only one who can do something. He'll always notice you because He's a personal kind of God and if He wasn't, then you probably could never know Him and He could never know you, and that ruins everything.
I think when you move away from God and try to serve Him impersonally, everything fails. You really have to communicate personally, like you kind of have to be real in how you talk and how you live and everything - you know, abandon herd mentality. There was this huge stadium event Acquire the Fire this spring break and it was kind of lame because I started trying to worship God impersonally - you know, cheer at all the right times and not think about anything and make promises that I would be able to save the generation. But the God I believe I know doesn't require me at all to show that I'm excited about Him at all the right times or say that I'm going to save the entire generation when I know that I'm not going to be able to do it. You know, I can make very personal promises and not clap when someone says something fundamentally accurate - but I can clap when someone says something that isn't significant to anyone besides me. Personal worship...what's the purpose of doing things like anybody else anyway? I think God kind of demands that you do things His way in your own specific way. Like when He talks to you, it'll always be in some kind of specific personal way that has relevance to you and maybe you only. Like, nowadays, if you go out walking along the street and see a burning bush (metaphorically), then it’ll be in some kind of personally significant way so that it might only make sense to you (though if you literally saw a burning bush on the streets and did not hear anything from God, it might be a good idea to put it out).
Ever wonder how so many people could be wrong? It’s kind of baffling, really, to think how a lot of people are just the products of society. I went to a bookstore some random day and saw a book titled “Everything you know is wrong,” and it disproved all of these obscure myths that the media feeds the public. When it comes to Christians, I guess we get the same kind of beef, and every now and then, it gets pretty frustrating looking around and realizing that the world as a whole is completely against the idea of you being a Christian. The entire world would really just prefer you to consume their products, and it just so turns out that they’re selling sex and drugs and things that aren’t bad at all, but just take away from the idea of living a Godly life. no time for God if you’re too busy playing World of Warcraft, and judging by the people I know who do play, it really is an addiction. One of my friends says he knows people that have given up eating so that they can play World of Warcraft. What you do kind of defines who you are.
Identity is strange like that. When I first heard about people who tried to be Renaissance men during the Renaissance (they were probably just called men back then), I thought that it would be great to be one. So now I’m a runner, former class president, sound technician, guitar-playing pianist, programmer kind of guy, I guess, because I thought by then, I would have found myself. It didn’t really get me anywhere, and I think it sorta made me start thinking that there’s something bigger than just trying to leave a legacy or finding your niche. For some people, I think leaving a legacy just comes naturally, but if you have to do a bunch of junk to get people to remember you, which is what I was doing by joining a bunch of clubs and whatever, then it’s not really worth it. People change so much to get what they want that they forget who they are in the first place.
Like if you have to beat someone up to get your point across, it might not really be worth it because instead of being able to show them that you have a qualified point, it’s your fist that shows them instead that you’re right because you’re bigger and stronger. And that doesn’t work either if you’re small and weak. Unless God lets you go out and beat someone up to do something in them…I think it happens with my youth pastor Mike sometimes, only not so much being told to go out and beat people up. God told him to go out to the movies and eat popcorn though, which I figure must have not only been the right thing to do at the right time, but also very fun. I’m a popcorn-kind of guy. Anyways, I guess if God really wants to make His point, then He can use anything to show someone it, and that includes getting beaten up, which is pretty funny, cause it’s love all the same. I don’t think God’s told me to beat someone up yet. But I think that the next time I get in a conversation with someone who just won’t listen, I’ll try throwing my Bible at them. A book really seems like the most inopportune weapon to throw at someone, but I bet throwing a Bible at someone in a life-or-death situation might be better than throwing knives or pencils or bombs.
Back to leaving a legacy, why force it if you have to change yourself? Like how most people have to change themselves or get as close to changing as they can get to fit into certain cliques and tables at lunch. Might as well be yourself – unless it turns out you can fool people forever (almost like a politician). I heard lyrics on the radio today that said “I’ve been everybody else, now I want to be something closer to myself.” Even after I knew it was bad, I still probably kept on going after that legacy...the tricky part always ends up being going into action against something that you know is bad. I read this book by Joshua Harris that said the smallest battles against something you know is bad is really what’s important and even if you end up failing, it’s okay because obedience is what’s really important.
I like how Christian faith and obedience on a personal basis is far more important than doing things like looking good and tithing and more like following God’s voice. As it turns out, it seems like following God’s voice is far more important than just tithing and going to church and singing loudly, like I used to think justified good faith. You should tell the world that – it’s so easy to just fall into the Christian-esque style of things and ignore what’s really important in listening to God speak and move. And it’s a big relief that it’s our submissiveness to God that’s important, because it really does get annoying to keep on falling in an endless fight against sin. And trying to be perfect… It’s like going against the grain – it’s just not supposed to happen at all, that we would have faith and completely go against centuries’ work of culture trying to disprove and belittle God. But that never means we should give up because we can’t be perfect or because it does not seem like we can win – we keep going for God because He’s the one that’ll make us perfect, and it’s not that hard to find God or be found by Him. Since it’s obedience against sin that’s important, it turns out you win completely by never giving up. Just as long as you keep playing the game, you don’t lose.
Today is my birthday. I like that. You know, even though it really doesn’t make sense that it should have any significance, everybody just treats it like a big deal. And the idea that it is a big deal is actually kind of relaxing, because it says you’ve done something worth noticing without really any major feat (besides living). So I liked today a whole lot, and not because a lot of people recognized me in the halls and I got some kind of huge party or got to do whatever I want. I liked it because the entire thing almost sorta gave me an excuse to be happy for a change, to look forward to a day, some inexplicable reason why I should be happy that possibly nobody can really understand.
I liked that people didn’t know it was my birthday. Only about three people knew today at school, aside from my youth group that I think might throw me a party, and I made it through the entire day last year without anybody knowing. I wish everyday could be my birthday because then I’d have initiative for living each day like it was monumental and nobody else would ever change, they would just keep treating me like it’s not my birthday.
Things get boring and time gets annoying and mostly now and then, I forget what living is like and take the days for granted, just wishing I could stop time and take a break. I guess that’s why it’s particularly important to have some kind of initiative for the day, even if it really just is being happy because it’s your birthday. Next week when it’s not my birthday, I’ll be forced to look to other things to make my day. It’s always the really small things, like getting a compliment for playing the piano or waking up to an amazing sunset or getting BBQ chips for lunch or watching the Matrix, because that’s a great movie. Big things don’t really get me going anymore, maybe because everybody will realize big things and I’m not sure I like the idea of being realized – I think I like small things because they are personally significant, and big things are for everybody to see and then they can criticize me. That’s why everybody knowing my birthday isn’t as fun – because then everybody changes and sees you a different way. Like how people drive next to police cars.
Maybe being introverted is really bad; you could definitely make a good debate against it because it’s not exactly healthy and there are just some things you can’t do alone, like jump rope or have a missions trip. But I don’t seriously mind keeping to myself and being personal…I eat lunch by myself in the arts building. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, but if I tried to eat lunch by myself in the cafeteria, then people that I would rather not talk to or feel obligated to talk to would think I was feeling lonely and sit by me. No offense to the company, but sometimes I just feel like being by myself because that’s the kind of attention God gives me. I like being able to focus on God and specifically being able to feel Him, and not to say you can’t do that in a group, I just don’t feel like doing it while eating lunch with a bunch of my Christian-apathetic friends (or sympathetic acquaintances). I guess that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be willing to go and eat lunch with a crowd, I’d just prefer being alone because if you’re alone, then you’re forced to think about things and life instead of just gossip or lack-of-substance living, as I call it. It’s hard to get intimate with people you don’t really know.
I was at a retreat last summer in Arkansas and I watched my friend get saved and that same morning, I had grace to ride the roller coasters…and the last night, one of the adult chaperones told me she thought I was depressed because I was so quiet and withdrawn. I still don’t think there’s anything wrong with me or wrong with being personal, except maybe if you really are depressed.
So, back to today, I went to youth group and had a nice party, but I ended up being pretty bummed because this girl I like has been different for the past two weeks. I had no idea what was going on with her, but for the past two weeks, she wouldn’t speak to me or even look at me. I was pretty confused. Well, it’s a big deal because we had kind of committed to each other, verbally and spiritually and everything. I called my youth pastor who was doing confidential work after locking myself in the bathroom, but then the wireless phone died and I was left with a verse in Matthew that says something like “no one knows where or when the wind will blow.” And then my youth pastor said something like “you really have to get used to God moving you through things unexpectedly.” I got a ride home more confused.
I talked to my best friend Billy, who called me on my cell phone, which was on silent and on the ground in the living room, as I was heading back out the door. I had the idea to just sit on my front lawn and watch the stars. If he had called any other time, like five seconds later, I would have never talked to him. He’s growing strong in his faith, and we talked for about an hour or something like that and I had my sleeping bag, but the night was cloudy, so I couldn’t see stars. I used a Spiderman 2 analogy, one great movie – how Spiderman, Peter Parker, couldn’t advance with Mary Jane, his desired girlfriend, because he knew that she would then be threatened. I thought this, like with the girl I like, was completely opposite, and she and I would never kind of be split up or our relationship couldn’t be played with by God – that everything would work out the way I wanted it to, and we wouldn’t have to go through huge trials both together and apart. Now, I am just more confused.
But I think Billy and I decided that being confused really isn’t so bad, because being confused also means that you can be amazed. We are amazed by God and other things because we don’t fully understand them or can even predict what might happen. It’s usually the very simple things that are amazing too. Billy said “we didn’t need to know everything,” as in God’s plan. That was amazing, I guess because that makes faith everything. He said it must be so amazing that God even notices us, that He can call us His friends, that He can wrap us in His arms… but he said that the most amazing thing was that God can look down on us and smile, knowing that we have Jesus in us, that we have accepted his gift. I think that’s beautiful… God’s smile, taking pleasure in our very lives that He has made possible.
I talked to Billy today and he said that that was really God instead, and he can’t really remember anything he said. He did happen to say that he’s starting to realize that AP’s aren’t really that big of a deal, and it’s not really all that important how you perform on it, because God kind of does a lot if you let him. He said he took this National Latin Exam earlier that year and felt horrible about it, even as he was taking it. When he got the results back, he had a 100%, which he believes is impossible, and I would think to be generally unheard of on a national Latin exam… and he changed me, in what he said that night. I think if he could ever go out on the streets and say anything close to what he told me that night, with words of peace and higher calling and fulfillment, then people would be changed and amazed and so would Billy.
If God ever happened to give me a bumper sticker company, I think the first bumper stickers I would make would say “Circumstances,” “How could God be fully represented by man?” and “You have no Idea…” I think it’s because people will listen to bumper stickers, but they won’t listen to the preachers on the sides of the street that supposedly tell them they’re going to hell – and to the preachers who actually do that, I bet they don’t save many lives that way, no matter if it’s truth or not. I use “You have no Idea” a lot – it’s the title on my blog and shares the title with another one of my blogs, the other part of the title being “Something Worth Reading.” I keep on google searching “something worth reading” and nothing ever really comes up that is actually worth reading. But I don’t think I would put “Something Worth Reading” on a bumper sticker, because that would be pretty ironic.
When I finally went back inside from the nice cold, I was about to take a shower when I picked up my cell phone and saw a missed call. Like the two preceding weeks, I was hoping it was the girl I liked…unlike the two preceding weeks, this time it actually was. I called her back and she told me what was going on. That was amazing too. I wrote my AP Spanish essay about how everything would be better (or closer to it, at least) if we could all communicate. So I was pretty relieved to find out we were talking again.
Turns out she’s been having a pretty rough time. She ended up being in a class that she arguably didn’t like just so she could witness to one of her friends. Towards these last two weeks, she really tried to witness to her friend, but circumstances overwhelmed her and the friend she was trying to witness to actually ended up influencing her more and leading her to a lifestyle she really didn’t want to live. I think she started to listen to non-Christian music again and started cussing again, and I think she skipped putting an effort into AP tests because that was just the influence her friend had on her (not to say AP tests are exactly worth putting effort into). Yeah, she’s been having a pretty rough time.
Our first words were online and I told her I had something big to tell her, but I wanted to be talking on the phone instead of online. Turns out, at that point, she thought I might call it quits on the whole relationship. You know, strangely, and she doesn’t know this yet, but I was going to tell her that I think I love her. I seriously think I do. In that last week of silence, apart from her, I thought a lot and thought about her struggling and I really started thinking that if I really could do something to keep her from falling or stumbling or having problems, I would sincerely try to do it. If I could take the pain and the trials away, if I could give her happiness or the freedom to walk with God, I would do it. I’m not really sure if that’s the real essence of love. I told Billy and he said that that was the highest level you can get, that something like that was really huge. I asked my youth pastor Mike and he said it’s the basis to love. I hope it is love, because that would be nice – you can’t get any bigger than love when it comes to relationships.
I went to sleep that night more amazed than confused by God – because I had sincerely felt like crap for maybe about an hour or two, walking around as if my head was cut off, wondering why God wasn’t there and making everything perfect. I have horrible sight… I knew God would come out of nowhere and make everything better and all of us would end up better, drawn more towards Him but I didn’t like it at all. There’s a Ginny Owens song that says “I’ll walk through the valley, if you want me to” and how, if everything really is true about being a Christian, that you are made better by trials and pains, then the most logical thing one could do would be to voluntarily walk through those pains and sufferings. I was seriously ashamed that I had questioned God so much, gone so crazy that I didn’t have my way. That I couldn’t have trusted Him so much more to make everything right, just as He had always done and could never not do, being who He is. My pastor said a couple weeks, as a very obvious statement in the middle of something a lot bigger and more complex, how we pray prayers of faith and confidence, not prayers of doubt. And though it is pretty obvious, it’s really pretty significant – to come to God expecting to be fulfilled, even confident in it. I should have been solid in my faith…I really should have.
My physics teacher read an editorial about the Duke lacrosse incident and how the entire legacy of Duke can be defined in saying that “ignorance walks side by side with privilege.” That made things very clear…how you read in the Bible how we should all rejoice in temptations and trials and being challenged. My youth pastor Mike says we have to stay in shape, spiritually, so we have to go through all of these battles to make sure we don’t fall asleep or lose focus. We should never lose faith, but the only way we can keep our faith strong and healthy is by constantly having to protect it and justify it and facing all of this crap from everything else. Just as the privilege of whatever you may call it – living a perfect life or not being challenged or not having to do something you don’t want to or that makes you uncomfortable – opens the door for you to be ignorant and be caught off guard.
