a productivity wall and running

sorry for the scarcity of posts. Spring Break happened and i went on a mission trip to Chicago, so i was hoping that i could make my first post my mission trip journal, but i've kind of hit a productivity wall, so i'm just gonna put something up here.

on the mission trip, we stayed with a missionary family, the Lorances. A guy named Scott from Norman had joined their missions team, so he was living with them. one time, when we came back from a day of trying to talk to people, he said that God had really opened his eyes to see how gross he really is, and to really ask, "how could God really love me?" and how, when someone is gross and disgusting or rude and obnoxious to us, we try to get as far as we can from that person as we can. but God calls us to Him. He wants us to be closer to Him, He even lets us come as we are.

well today, i've been thinking mean thoughts. really just obnoxious thoughts, like "so and so isn't really all that good," or "he is so immature," or whatever. and i don't really know what to do or how to stop. i guess it becomes apparent that it has to be God's grace that saves me from really having malicious thoughts, but why exactly is this happening? i think God is showing me how gross i really am. He's showing me that i really am someone deserving of death, that i really am someone who murders and commits adultery and does terrible things, and He is delivering me of it, He is saving me from myself, essentially.

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running plays a big part in my life, for several reasons, really. i like it because it is a way to burn off stress and to get some exercise and you can relax. and i like it because it seems to let you take advantage of the weather and time of day, and because you can go places - like if i wanted to go to Krispy Kreme around 6 or 7 in the morning and get a donut, i could do that, which i used to do in the summer until i figured that it probably wasn't that good for the run back. and i like it because it is a relative kind of sport, because you are competing more against yourself than any of your opponents. and because of this, runners understand other runners. they understand that you really have to do some hard work if you want to get better, they understand what it feels like at the end of a race when everyone starts kicking and you have nothing left, and somehow, you still press on. they understand that you're supposed to run your own race, that you have to be disciplined if you want to stay in shape.

and i understand a little more about life because of running. and when i read Isaiah about mounting up on wings like eagles and running without being weary, it gets me excited, because the times when i've gotten a glimpse of running without being weary, i've been able to go pretty fast without feeling any kind of fatigue and it is fun. hence, grace. how, when you are running a race, you will hit a point when it hurts, and you can choose to keep that pace or let it go and try to pick it up later. how there is a time when you can't see anything besides the pain and the hurt, and the idea that you can keep going, even if it hurts. and when it's all over, you can look back and think, "that pain is no longer relevant. it's been overcome." and you can think, "i am somehow better because i kept going," though this is a dangerous line because when you're talking about a Christian race of faith, it's not us that keep going, it's God doing all of the work. more than that, we are simply choosing to let ourselves be taken on this race, to let it hurt - or to let it feel great at the end. And at the end, it does feel great. because the race is over. we won.

i realize that this is something i enjoy about running. because it requires you to become more than yourself, i guess you could say. when you are running a workout, everyone becomes fatigued. but to get better, you still push even when it feels like you are dead and your legs are dead and you can't do another one. it feels so good when you are running on essentially nothing, when you have nothing left, and somehow, you can keep running. at that point, it is God's grace. you're running at a pace bigger than yourself, a workout that you shouldn't be able to finish because you're dead. it's the same way with this whole race of faith. we shouldn't be able to finish. we shouldn't be able to run the distance, because we are hurting so much, we are so disillusioned about it perhaps. and yet, as long as we continue to try to run the race of faith - ie, as long as we continue to look to God - we still run good races, and we ultimately finish and receive this kingdom that cannot be shaken and share in God's endless glory. i think this is what i like about running.

please be heartfelt...

please be a heartfelt post...please be, somehow, relevant to any of this. i run around hoping i can be these things - hoping i can be in the right with God and with others, hoping i can be in truth, that the words i say and the things i do would have meaning, would be worth listening to, worth watching. that my life would have a purpose, that i wouldn't be living in vain, that i wouldn't be wasting away. and yet, what will i do? will my actions reflect an urgency for relevance, a desire for significance, a search for something that matters?

i realized today in chapel that the things we learn have no relevance to what we are facing. there's nothing about "this can change your life," nothing about "this is a solution to your problems," nothing about "He died for you." instead, i can't even remember what we talk about. today he told us how we sometimes take for granted the things that God gives us, but the chaplain didn't really talk about it that much. but he's speaking to a broken generation. a generation bent on drugs, on sex, a generation that has been exposed to more heartbreak than ever before, more brokenness in their homes and their relationships than any generation has ever known, a generation who has been fed the idea that they have to be bigger than themselves to be relevant, to be loved or significant or heartfelt. a generation whose problems run from the media and propaganda to drugs and rape to collapsing homes and relationships to having nothing. having nothing to live for, having nothing worth living for.

but i didn't say what i said in that first paragraph because i am trying to psyche and hype myself up to be some kind of leader that can say something relevant. well, i want to, but i didn't say any of that because i wanted myself to be the answer. i didn't even know what i would write in that second paragraph. i wrote what i did because i identify with this generation. i identify with the brokenness, with the abandonment, with the confusion and the chaos. because my life is falling apart. because i have relationships that are failing. namely, one.

these are four qualities:
humility
love
relevance
vulnerability

i have one relationship that i don't invest enough in. i have another relationship that i am ignoring, that i am letting sit and rot and i am letting myself stay in the wrong. i am letting one relationship get too far when i should be spending my time in another. i am letting one relationship sit in the corner undetected, i have another that i don't know what to do with, i have another i haven't paid attention to for years.

will God see my hands? will He see my hands raised high, will He see me heart bowed down? will He know my sorrow, will He see my regret for not taking Him more seriously? He will see my reasons, but He knows they are not excuses, and i know they are not either. what will it take for me to give everything i have? what will it take for me to pour all of me into a single relationship, to run and cling to the majesty of a King, the shelter of His love? not asking anything. not doubting, not fearing, not even necessarily rationalizing. but acting out of some kind of determination, acting out of some kind of unreasonable need or urgency, that i have to do this.

chance to run

chance to run tomorrow, a mile at Catoosa. last year, i ran a 5:06 personal record...i hope i run fast as well. i noticed that in yesterday's post, my definition for vulnerable is pretty much humble...yes. that was one of my goals for the longest times, but i haven't really thought about it that much lately. perhaps i should...

something i wrote after reading the first chapter of Sex God, the new book from Rob Bell. though the title might sound...odd, it is actually a very good book and shines light on the idea that sexuality is understanding that you have been disconnected and trying to get back into connection and understanding with others and what is going on. he talks about how sexuality goes hand in hand with spirituality. it is a recommended read.

We tend to focus on how we are different from others – like how someone is good looking and someone else is not, or how someone is rich and another is poor, or all of these other attributes. But what we rarely do is focus on how similar we are to others – we tend to think of some people as more fortunate or less fortunate or maybe even more or less human. And what is wrong with that is that we need to see people as who they are - everyone is human. And just by being human, we have some kind of part of God that is left inside of us, left in our identities. By those standards, no one is any less fortunate, any less beautiful, any less human than anyone else. Everyone deserves to be loved, everyone deserves to be respected and treated equally.

And when we don’t – when we begin to think of people in terms of what they have or what they do instead of who they really are, when we consider how we might take advantage of someone else – we are offending God. Not only do we refuse to recognize or acknowledge God in others, but we stop for at least a second, protecting the sanctity of God in us. All at the same time, we are hurting God in that we are living in defiance of His authority, denying Him what is truthfully His.

Rob Bell talked about how God rules over heaven, but He has let earth be under the control of man, as in man can hand over the reign of earth to whoever or whatever authority he desires. So we can let God rule over earth, or let God bring heaven to earth, or we can give control over to whatever is not of God, essentially bringing hell to earth. Rob Bell made the connection that whenever we look at someone, choosing to think of them as somehow less human than you, then we are choosing to bring hell to earth. And this is wrong because what we need – is God.

my vulnerability

i spent a lot wishing i could meet people who are vulnerable...by vulnerable, i mean when everything is stripped away. when all of their strongholds have been broken, when no one is watching, when they are not performing or doing things for attention. when, instead of being loud or obnoxious or hyped up, they just want things to be the way they should be, to be set right, and they would do anything to see that happen. they just want to get the feeling that they're not lost, but loved...that someone would really like them even if they were...real. nothing more than themselves.

but what i realized was...i wasn't vulnerable. i was acting like i didn't need people, i was acting under the motive that i was essentially right and everyone else was wrong, and that nothing was my fault. and that i didn't need to love people, i didn't need everybody else's love either. basically what i am saying is this: i wanted other people to be vulnerable so i could change them. but i never saw into myself that i should be just as vulnerable because i still need to do a lot of changing in myself just like everybody else.

this is a note to someone who might never read this...

i want to be your friend. we talked last night and i made it sound like that wasn't enough, but what could have been more than enough? what could have been more than enough than knowing i have someone who i can trust, that i have someone looking out for my back, someone that actually knows who i am and chooses to like me despite my flaws and inconsistencies?

i said things i haven't said to anyone, and i don't want to hurt you. i was wrong for thinking most of the things i did, and you are right that i know very little about who you are. i started out trying to say things out of love, and i might have, but i do think that i got carried away. i am not sure you will ever read this...

i guess, when everything is stripped away, i want to know that you still like me, even just as friends. to know that you still care, to know you wouldn't leave me hanging if i needed you. and i want you to know that i'm sorry for becoming so disillusioned. for saying what i have said and doing what i have done and thinking i had a grasp on things when i didn't. i don't want to hurt you. i want to see you lifted high...

i think the term is "da mang ren"

listening to: The Riddle, by Five for Fighting.

today was good. the jazz combo went to Tahlequah for this big jazz festival at NSU and played in the combo competition, which also meant waking up at 6, which makes it all the more interesting, because i woke up around that time to find that i had forgotten to turn my alarm on. we did fine, and came back just in time (that is, after getting lost) to run a pretty exhausting track workout and then weightroom. so i am somewhat satiably fatigued and my stomach hurts and my leg spasm-ed just a little bit ago.

ATF was this past weekend, and it was okay. just okay, i kinda need to talk to some people about it. i was rather disappointed on the last day, because i was trying to talk to God and He just didn't seem to be talking back. and i couldn't justify it, because i thought that i was doing most of the things that i was supposed to be doing, like honestly seeking, and not secretly holding things back. i'm not sure what the real answer is, but mike gave a glimpse of an answer that it is like the subliminal sinking in of worldly influences - like if you don't specifically set aside a time for God, then culture and whatnot secretly begins to sink in and distances yourself from God even when you are perhaps doing everything you should be doing.

the first night was great though. i could worship, i could feel it. the next night wasn't as good, and it keeps bugging me at ATF because it seems like i don't worship God the same way that everybody else worships God. and i don't clap and cheer when one of the speakers says something of particular significance, i like to think about it and know that it's true before blurting out an 'Amen' or 'Hallelujah.' and i guess i don't trust people or something like that, because i feel like if i really sat down in a cafe or something with the average attendee of ATF, they would say "dude, you're not good enough..." because i can't scream loud like they can or maybe even cry like they can. i thought this ATF wasn't as exhilirating as ones past, but that might just be me. maybe i'm maturing?

they talked about influence, and how we are being (subliminally) fed what we want, how we are so intensely influenced by today's media, things like MTV that tell us that it's cool to sleep around and be idiots (like on Viva La Bam or Jackass) and to need to be fashionable like the kids on Laguna Beach. and we are fed what we want, not necessarily what is good for us or what we need. i think this makes sense. big media companies just want to make money, so they give us pornography and video games until our lives are nothing more than just that - satisfaction and no line between morality and brokenness.

on Sunday, we had 19 people (is that a record?) and we sat in a circle and went one by one, saying what we learned that past weekend, even if we hadn't been at ATF. this is about what i said, and i think i am overly proud of it:

in high school, two weeks is like an eternity and one week is like a lifetime. this past weekend, i spent all of my time working on Botball, a robotics competition. i almost entirely stopped doing homework and stopped sleeping, at least Friday night, so i could work on this competition. and finally, we got to the competition, and even while we were winning, i could tell it wasn't worth it. i don't want my life to be like that - i don't want it to be working for success at a competition or doing homework or trying to make money, because it's not worth it.

there are some other things i would like to talk about, but i am not sure that this is exactly where the thoughts belong, though i kind of created this blog to put those thoughts. ironic, but still. it's only 7:51, but i think i need to get some sleep. i'll post later