leaving on a jet plane

college is going to be nice. don't get me wrong, i'm going to miss home, and definitely tulsa and my parents and friends, and church, but college is going to be nice. freedom and no real curfew, late night or early morning runs, free schedule, cafeteria food, dorm rooms, lots of new people, college football, fellowship and clubs, and classes that are optional to attend. hundreds of miles from home. but i'm going to miss things here.

i wonder... the summer is going to be the last time for a lot of things. to see people, to be with people. or maybe not, but if i had my way, i'd be leaving a lot back here and pursuing something else, at least for a while. what God would have in store would be beyond my imagination. but it sounds bad. that i might be gone from everyone's lives. i'm not going to go over to jojo's house and leech off him and his pudding pals and i'm not going to go to Agape to play basketball or billy's house or even Kaffe Bona which shares fond memories. and...i don't know. my friend who's apparently already exited my life. i didn't think it should have to be finalized like this. one day comes and she won't talk to me, and a couple of months and it's like it never happened.

i don't know exactly what i did. i think i was wrong, on several levels. i didn't know how to love, and i guess i started to forget why she was so important to me, and what a privilege it would be to have her call me hers. i forgot all these things and then acted out of impulse, and it was over before i knew what i had. before i knew how i would give so much to have anything like that again - a relationship i could trust and one that i sort of needed. i don't know why she doesn't like me. you don't just stop talking to someone. i don't know. she doesn't deserve blame or shame, so i better not give it to her. but maybe i wasn't wrong. maybe it wasn't supposed to work out. or maybe i was wrong, and i screwed it up. i can't tell.

woke up today and hardly did anything. finished Ted Dekker's The Circle Trilogy, and it goes insanely highly recommended by me, because it is a shocking allegory of the story of Christ and His sacrifice, fixed with all of the twists that you could fit into two realities. the physical and the spiritual. it's about a man named Thomas Hunter who basically comes to life in one reality as he sleeps and dreams in the other - so on earth, he is awake and walking around when he is dreaming in the other spiritual-esque reality (though it isn't that obvious) and as he dreams on earth, he wakes up in the spiritual reality. Ted Dekker is amazing and one only has to wonder whether or not he knew all of the twists he would lay down or whether he was simply making them up as he went. the right details and occurrences lead to a very strong image of what Christ must have gone through to love us, though it is still only that - an image, failing in comparison to what it truly must be.

billy, richard, and i went biking, maybe 15 miles, if you're feeling liberal? don't know, but when i got back, i left and went to work. work is getting kind of boring. certainly less exciting, but i bet that will change. anyways, i have to quit next week, i think, pretty much, because Botball is starting (this national robotics competition) and i'm one of the main reasons we are even having it this year, so i should probably be there. we pretty much make two robots out of Lego's and program them to compete head to head against other robots in some various task where points are scored by some repetitive motion like moving balls over to your side.