my vulnerability

i spent a lot wishing i could meet people who are vulnerable...by vulnerable, i mean when everything is stripped away. when all of their strongholds have been broken, when no one is watching, when they are not performing or doing things for attention. when, instead of being loud or obnoxious or hyped up, they just want things to be the way they should be, to be set right, and they would do anything to see that happen. they just want to get the feeling that they're not lost, but loved...that someone would really like them even if they were...real. nothing more than themselves.

but what i realized was...i wasn't vulnerable. i was acting like i didn't need people, i was acting under the motive that i was essentially right and everyone else was wrong, and that nothing was my fault. and that i didn't need to love people, i didn't need everybody else's love either. basically what i am saying is this: i wanted other people to be vulnerable so i could change them. but i never saw into myself that i should be just as vulnerable because i still need to do a lot of changing in myself just like everybody else.

this is a note to someone who might never read this...

i want to be your friend. we talked last night and i made it sound like that wasn't enough, but what could have been more than enough? what could have been more than enough than knowing i have someone who i can trust, that i have someone looking out for my back, someone that actually knows who i am and chooses to like me despite my flaws and inconsistencies?

i said things i haven't said to anyone, and i don't want to hurt you. i was wrong for thinking most of the things i did, and you are right that i know very little about who you are. i started out trying to say things out of love, and i might have, but i do think that i got carried away. i am not sure you will ever read this...

i guess, when everything is stripped away, i want to know that you still like me, even just as friends. to know that you still care, to know you wouldn't leave me hanging if i needed you. and i want you to know that i'm sorry for becoming so disillusioned. for saying what i have said and doing what i have done and thinking i had a grasp on things when i didn't. i don't want to hurt you. i want to see you lifted high...