i think the term is "da mang ren"

listening to: The Riddle, by Five for Fighting.

today was good. the jazz combo went to Tahlequah for this big jazz festival at NSU and played in the combo competition, which also meant waking up at 6, which makes it all the more interesting, because i woke up around that time to find that i had forgotten to turn my alarm on. we did fine, and came back just in time (that is, after getting lost) to run a pretty exhausting track workout and then weightroom. so i am somewhat satiably fatigued and my stomach hurts and my leg spasm-ed just a little bit ago.

ATF was this past weekend, and it was okay. just okay, i kinda need to talk to some people about it. i was rather disappointed on the last day, because i was trying to talk to God and He just didn't seem to be talking back. and i couldn't justify it, because i thought that i was doing most of the things that i was supposed to be doing, like honestly seeking, and not secretly holding things back. i'm not sure what the real answer is, but mike gave a glimpse of an answer that it is like the subliminal sinking in of worldly influences - like if you don't specifically set aside a time for God, then culture and whatnot secretly begins to sink in and distances yourself from God even when you are perhaps doing everything you should be doing.

the first night was great though. i could worship, i could feel it. the next night wasn't as good, and it keeps bugging me at ATF because it seems like i don't worship God the same way that everybody else worships God. and i don't clap and cheer when one of the speakers says something of particular significance, i like to think about it and know that it's true before blurting out an 'Amen' or 'Hallelujah.' and i guess i don't trust people or something like that, because i feel like if i really sat down in a cafe or something with the average attendee of ATF, they would say "dude, you're not good enough..." because i can't scream loud like they can or maybe even cry like they can. i thought this ATF wasn't as exhilirating as ones past, but that might just be me. maybe i'm maturing?

they talked about influence, and how we are being (subliminally) fed what we want, how we are so intensely influenced by today's media, things like MTV that tell us that it's cool to sleep around and be idiots (like on Viva La Bam or Jackass) and to need to be fashionable like the kids on Laguna Beach. and we are fed what we want, not necessarily what is good for us or what we need. i think this makes sense. big media companies just want to make money, so they give us pornography and video games until our lives are nothing more than just that - satisfaction and no line between morality and brokenness.

on Sunday, we had 19 people (is that a record?) and we sat in a circle and went one by one, saying what we learned that past weekend, even if we hadn't been at ATF. this is about what i said, and i think i am overly proud of it:

in high school, two weeks is like an eternity and one week is like a lifetime. this past weekend, i spent all of my time working on Botball, a robotics competition. i almost entirely stopped doing homework and stopped sleeping, at least Friday night, so i could work on this competition. and finally, we got to the competition, and even while we were winning, i could tell it wasn't worth it. i don't want my life to be like that - i don't want it to be working for success at a competition or doing homework or trying to make money, because it's not worth it.

there are some other things i would like to talk about, but i am not sure that this is exactly where the thoughts belong, though i kind of created this blog to put those thoughts. ironic, but still. it's only 7:51, but i think i need to get some sleep. i'll post later