track

track started this past week, and monday was kind of lame, but today was so much better. if you run fast/hard enough, you can make yourself sick, and i think i have done that. my legs felt like jelly as well. i can feel each sneeze in my lungs because of all the abs workouts we've been doing, and i expect to be very sore tomorrow.

i'm going to post something i wrote on my xanga yesterday night, but that was before a lot of things changed, and then i will talk about today:

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i wouldn't be writing this here, but i don't have enough energy to get up my blogger and put it there. right now sucks. it feels like i've fallen from grace, or something. i can't tell. in track, first day was yesterday, it was freaking annoying because i hit my max and usually, whenever you do that, you can make yourself keep going. it's like you can choose to keep going or to get faster or whatever. well, yesterday was not like that. i hit my max and i was done, and i couldn't do any more of it, couldn't even keep up. track kinda stinks cause i'm not running with long distance. also got an intra-squad meet the friday of ATF, by the way, satoshi's coming back.

i've felt like crying for the past two or three days. that'll probably sound odd to absolutely anybody who ever reads this, and condemn or shame me if you want, but i'm just being real. i don't know why. is it just circumstances? or does my heart cry out because things aren't what they're supposed to be? i could tell that was the case yesterday running the workout. i could see all the other people around me and the different things i thought about them and how this was shallow and wrong and that i shouldn't think that, and i didn't want to be the person that will take advantage of others and think himself better, but i didn't know what i could do. where was the solution?

botball is in somewhat horrible shape. we really need to get to work, and i am thinking things i shouldn't think, but there are so many things standing in the way, and maybe i am just making excuses, but i can't see things any other way.

i feel like crying. i'm tired and i can't get myself to go. i think i've fallen from grace. my legs are tired, pun intended

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and then things changed. before that, it felt like grace had been cut off completely, because i didn't even have enough energy or whatever to sin, and sinning is supposed to be easy. well, i couldn't sin and i couldn't really do homework, and i just lied there on the ground, but i couldn't go to sleep either, just lieing there feeling like crying and going to sleep, rolling around on my stomach because it feels kinda cool when your abs are sore.

things changed. like God came back or something, my prayers actually answered, though not the way i thought they would be answered. but anyway, i had a good day today, and when i came home at like 6 (the earliest of the school week) and my mom asked how my day was, i said "it was okay" instead of saying "it was long." but yeah, i could run the workout today. grace to do so much. i don't want to fall out of it. i would hate to go back there.