my eyes are open but i don't see where

over in Norman at OU (it is still very nice) for the Botball workshop. around 6 hours of a programming atmosphere - i have to say i enjoyed it. we're building a "demo-bot" that i'm gonna make sing the theme song to Rocky and spin around randomly to recruit participants. anyway, this is pretty much my weekend, and i don't know how long i will last. i think lethargy won today - i am very tired.

i fell to lust again yesterday. i got to thinking, this could be just the beginning to never having that temptation again - to being free of it. well, i forgot to take it one day at a time, and you can't be lust-free forever if you don't start with a single day. i have to fight every single day, i guess it is my responsibility as a Christian. i should just suck it up and start fighting and choosing God, because, as much as it is disappointing to say this, i haven't had a good fight for a while, and the last thing i really want to be associated with me is the word slacker. disrespect is second, i think. that or undevoted/uncommitted...actually, that might be first.

i...need to shape up. you know how sometimes you know you're in terrible position, and then someone says "what are you going to do about it?" and you just want to answer, "i know i have a problem. i'm going to deal with it, okay?" well, i want to tell myself that. i think i'm gonna start reading through Hebrews. i hope i actually really start to do that...not another empty promise to add to the collection God has once again cleaned for me. i know it's foolish to think that i can go without God cleansing me, but it's even more foolish to think that means that i don't have to fight. i need to fight. i haven't even been trying these past few days.

well, i woke up this morning with Peter's encounter with Jesus walking on the water in my head, and, several hours later, remembered that i thought that this no-doubt belonged in my short story (i'm up to 6 pages. score one...or six). Jesus was walking on the water and everyone was freaking out, and Peter does what Jesus does, which is inevitably what we're called to do as well*. Peter does it for a little bit and i bet he is exhilirated...because man doesn't normally walk on water. that pretty much defines this reality, this entire science-driven paradigm. when he takes his eyes off of God, onto something else - the reaction of possibly jealous apostles? maybe his own feet in doubt? - he begins to sink and panics. Jesus catches Him, even though His words probably hurt just as much as it would have been for Peter struggling from drowning. He said "Why are you of so little faith?" Instantly a finger points inward and i know i have fallen



*[- which connects nicely to experiencing a newer, more freeing or empowering reality, which might sound like some kind of wickedly evil pleasure, but it doesn't have to be like that, and there's a humbling process you have to go through so that you're never supposed to get that power hungry look of being better than anyone or having beaten this reality]