there used to be this guy who was in my sister's grade, named Matt Pargeter, so he was a senior when i was a sophomore. he was the only guy in dance, so people knew him for that, and nobody knew that he was consistently the third runner on our very competitive cross country varsity team, and he was enthusiastic about the academic bowl team. so enthusiastic that he started it. and they won the state competition every year. their first four years. in fact, if you doubt they were good, then consider that they went to nationals every year and in Matt Pargeter's senior year, amidst a team entirely composed of seniors, they won the whole thing. consider further that Matt Pargeter was also inducted into the Hall of Fame, one of only four others or so, and he came back home to find the front page of the city newspaper.
he attended DFC when my sister was president, and one time he was talking about how, before every Academic Bowl match, he would write on the top of his scratch paper the words 'please God,' and that was his motive - i mean, who would have argued that he didn't like the glory and couldn't be asking God for the victory? but who would have also argued that he wasn't trying to bring glory to God - that his own winning wasn't as serious as pleasing God through his efforts, by conquering on a national stage and setting an example to those who saw he wasn't a jerk or an insensitive egotist...those who actually knew him, anyway. he ended up going to Catholic College. no doubt he could have shot for the stars as far as colleges went - as prestigious as you wanted to go, i think he could have gotten in. he was just trying to please God.
so it started snowing again today after the series of obnoxiously cold days, so it dipped down to the 25's and brought flurries. i went running a little (though without gloves, my right hand was...freezing) and then all of us from youth group went sledding off the hill on the highway and it was awesome. we kept on wiping out, and it wasn't even funny, but it was still awesome.
in other news, the new edition of Hallway, the school newspaper. i am excited because i have an article in there about getting into college, which will bring up a later point. i am more excited because the editor really liked it, and i will hopefully get to keep writing stuff for the newspaper. i think we could get one out each month, because we seem to be overdoing it. we had planned on 8 pages and had to end up extending to 12.
anyway, about getting into college - we have this class called senior seminar that's supposed to help us transition to the college life. today we talked about things like addictions like binge drinking and drugs and sex and stuff. i thought i had all of this pretty much nailed down - that i was gonna stick to my morals. now i'm thinking it might be harder than that, even if it is at rice. i think i am going to need some good friends and fellowship and start off right or else i could be doomed for a while, and i would with everything in me, not like to fall out of grace. and again, i'm asking, "will i get into rice?" the suspense builds. february 10th. more suspense builds, because, pretty much to the surprise of everyone, the mission board might not approve our mission trip this summer. we will find out feb 11. we are supposed to pray about it. i can't even think of not being able to do it. i guess i really should pray about it. please God.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Monday, January 29, 2007
lacking
i think it's a beautiful thing to be vulnerable. it's beautiful when everything goes down in flames and there is no tomorrow and you're just trying to get past that moment, and nothing else matters, and you do things you would have never done before.
i watched a little bit of Beauty and the Geek, some reality TV show where they matched hot ditzy-esque girls with socially challenged geeks and sent them through challenges to win money. and one of the girls who had gotten into the finals or maybe not even that far was talking to the camera in a small room (kind of like a confessional booth, where the room is kind of like a spacious closet only meant for people to talk to the camera about their thoughts). she was crying, saying how she felt shallow, how she saw that maybe it didn't make any sense at all to put so much value on how she looked. and i think she saw that it didn't make her any better than anyone else, and she had no right to treat these geeks like they were subhuman, just because people liked her and nobody liked them.
i watched a little bit of the RealWorld-Road Rules challenge Duel thing on MTV, which is pretty much the same concept as before except all the people are hot and battling for even more money. there was this elimination match between two guys, two of the top guys or something, and after an excruciatingly long time, one guy won. at the end, he went back to his hotel room and called his fiancee and broke down. he was vulnerable, crying, but he couldn't really move because he was so tired. he was exhausted, he totally spent himself trying to win the challenge, and when he finally won it, he wasn't sure he deserved it, and was more unsure that he didn't enjoy it: the win. he said if he had to go through it all again, he didn't know what he would do, but he wouldn't want to go through it all - that was how physically grueling it was. he said he didn't know why he was doing it anymore - the whole game - and whether or not it was worth it, especially to eliminate someone who had gone out with just as much pain, just as much maxed-out effort as he had. vulnerable.
and i did something. i ran away from home one weekend and ran away from God because i was mad i was losing to lust and i ran away on the main streets, keeping a fast pace because i wanted it to hurt. and it was cold - like 35 degrees or so, and i had a t-shirt and some basketball shorts on. it was like five miles later, i ended up someone's house. i didn't really want anything more than to be there...i don't think i was welcomed. i didn't feel like it, anyway. i ran away from there and maybe about half a mile or more later, my legs started cramping up, first just a little. like if i kept on running, the pain would go away for a little. i felt like crap...because i didn't have anywhere to be. when i passed 71st and yale, headed south, my left leg shut down. it cramped and i couldn't really go on. i sat down on the sidewalk, but i did in such a position that my right leg started cramping just the same, or my hip, or something else. and so i ended up lying on the sidewalk, crying, because my left leg was dead and my right leg was dead and any movement would shoot pain through me, and i didn't want to go home, and i didn't want to go to God's home, and the only home i wanted to go to wouldn't welcome me.
i screamed at God that He was right. that i was wrong. that i just needed to be saved. i felt worser because i wanted someone to stop and help me out, but no one did. it was dark and cold, and i was yelling in pain. vulnerable.
i watched a little bit of Beauty and the Geek, some reality TV show where they matched hot ditzy-esque girls with socially challenged geeks and sent them through challenges to win money. and one of the girls who had gotten into the finals or maybe not even that far was talking to the camera in a small room (kind of like a confessional booth, where the room is kind of like a spacious closet only meant for people to talk to the camera about their thoughts). she was crying, saying how she felt shallow, how she saw that maybe it didn't make any sense at all to put so much value on how she looked. and i think she saw that it didn't make her any better than anyone else, and she had no right to treat these geeks like they were subhuman, just because people liked her and nobody liked them.
i watched a little bit of the RealWorld-Road Rules challenge Duel thing on MTV, which is pretty much the same concept as before except all the people are hot and battling for even more money. there was this elimination match between two guys, two of the top guys or something, and after an excruciatingly long time, one guy won. at the end, he went back to his hotel room and called his fiancee and broke down. he was vulnerable, crying, but he couldn't really move because he was so tired. he was exhausted, he totally spent himself trying to win the challenge, and when he finally won it, he wasn't sure he deserved it, and was more unsure that he didn't enjoy it: the win. he said if he had to go through it all again, he didn't know what he would do, but he wouldn't want to go through it all - that was how physically grueling it was. he said he didn't know why he was doing it anymore - the whole game - and whether or not it was worth it, especially to eliminate someone who had gone out with just as much pain, just as much maxed-out effort as he had. vulnerable.
and i did something. i ran away from home one weekend and ran away from God because i was mad i was losing to lust and i ran away on the main streets, keeping a fast pace because i wanted it to hurt. and it was cold - like 35 degrees or so, and i had a t-shirt and some basketball shorts on. it was like five miles later, i ended up someone's house. i didn't really want anything more than to be there...i don't think i was welcomed. i didn't feel like it, anyway. i ran away from there and maybe about half a mile or more later, my legs started cramping up, first just a little. like if i kept on running, the pain would go away for a little. i felt like crap...because i didn't have anywhere to be. when i passed 71st and yale, headed south, my left leg shut down. it cramped and i couldn't really go on. i sat down on the sidewalk, but i did in such a position that my right leg started cramping just the same, or my hip, or something else. and so i ended up lying on the sidewalk, crying, because my left leg was dead and my right leg was dead and any movement would shoot pain through me, and i didn't want to go home, and i didn't want to go to God's home, and the only home i wanted to go to wouldn't welcome me.
i screamed at God that He was right. that i was wrong. that i just needed to be saved. i felt worser because i wanted someone to stop and help me out, but no one did. it was dark and cold, and i was yelling in pain. vulnerable.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
momentum (beatmart remix)
my friend said he would go to DFC on friday morning because it was friday and it was okay if he was tired for the weekend; i was thrilled to see him there, along with the whole group of DFC attendees. but i think i am beginning to see what he was talking about, because last night, i slept something like 11 or 12 hours...i don't know how long i slept because i don't know how or when i actually fell asleep. i don't really get it. but thank the Lord, because sleeping that long is not only refreshing, but it's fun (this coming from a sleep-deprived high school student)
today was church. i think i need to stop thinking about things...like stop looking at things through a competition lens or an "i don't like you" lens or a "what's your deal?" lens, because i am doing that a lot lately. it occurs that i hardly know what people have to go through, so quite possibly the worst thing i could do is judge them, and do so only to inflate myself. Most possibly the best thing i could do is be Jesus to them, show God, show Godlike qualities, show them what God would have done...embrace them.
i remember when i loved someone...i think it was love, and it was the night i turned 17. it was great because when i looked this person, she could do no wrong. and even if she turned away from me, i didn't respond like "if you turn away from me, i'll do the same to you," i just thought it was something that i did, and i would have given a lot just so that she wouldn't ignore me. that was weird because it's not what i do anymore. i see people like "what's your deal?" or "i'm better than you" or "that's so immature." and in fact, i proved it wasn't even unconditional love, because the next time i got ignored, i lashed back, at least in my heart.
when we say that God is our only priority, our only desire - this means that we have released a desire to be comfortable, to be happy, to be well-rested or anything really. we have let go of a need to be satisfied, a need to know that things are in your control, that things are rational even. we need to make sure we don't isolate ourselves again. as Christians, we can't stay isolated in our homes, thinking "if someone comes to me, i'll totally show Christ to them." but we're supposed to go out, we're supposed to leave our cities on our hill and go to the people and live in their conditions, but not budge on God - we have to show them God in everything we do. Pastor Ron preached a little bit ago about how this is the heart of the missionary - that he goes and lives under the same conditions as the people he is ministering to, but he doesn't change his identity. he is actively communicating God in what he does - just because the circumstances change, this doesn't mean that he has to.
friday night's lesson was about making decisions - and how they are everywhere and even making an excuse is a decision because it is giving away your choice of decision and kind of going with wherever the flow is going. how, in practically everything, we can say "i choose God, and by doing this, i believe i am taking a step forward towards God." mike also talked about autopilot and how it is essentially when you're just going through life and you're not making active choices towards God. how being on autopilot is sorta like having a calloused heart - and if God has to shout towards your heart and you barely hear Him, you know that there's something wrong going on. today, Mike spoke about remembering God in everything you do - that when you pray, you are only doing so because that is what God said, and it is essentially a reflection of communion - His bread and His body. and when you do little, minute things like take showers or clean yourself, you are mirroring what He stands for - purity, cleanliness, without blemish. how in all the little things we have gotten used to doing, we should remember God in doing them, because by doing so, we are only truly glorifying Him.
girls are a problem. i don't know what i am doing. it doesn't seem like i should have a problem talking to any of them, but i keep on feeling that they are so different from me so that i have to change myself or they won't like me. and i can't talk about normal stuff, like "oh man, i'm so tired" or "dude, basketball was so fun" because i can't even say 'dude.' and i don't want to come off as an insensitive jerk, but i also don't want to come off as someone who doesn't know what they're doing, or is someone who's nervous to be talking to a girl, or is someone who is using them for some kind of desire. but, if you ask God, He's winning me over, because i have had the honor of being mostly lust free (by my standards...does that mean anything? not exactly) for about a week. i would hate to go back. i really would. praise be to God.
today was church. i think i need to stop thinking about things...like stop looking at things through a competition lens or an "i don't like you" lens or a "what's your deal?" lens, because i am doing that a lot lately. it occurs that i hardly know what people have to go through, so quite possibly the worst thing i could do is judge them, and do so only to inflate myself. Most possibly the best thing i could do is be Jesus to them, show God, show Godlike qualities, show them what God would have done...embrace them.
i remember when i loved someone...i think it was love, and it was the night i turned 17. it was great because when i looked this person, she could do no wrong. and even if she turned away from me, i didn't respond like "if you turn away from me, i'll do the same to you," i just thought it was something that i did, and i would have given a lot just so that she wouldn't ignore me. that was weird because it's not what i do anymore. i see people like "what's your deal?" or "i'm better than you" or "that's so immature." and in fact, i proved it wasn't even unconditional love, because the next time i got ignored, i lashed back, at least in my heart.
when we say that God is our only priority, our only desire - this means that we have released a desire to be comfortable, to be happy, to be well-rested or anything really. we have let go of a need to be satisfied, a need to know that things are in your control, that things are rational even. we need to make sure we don't isolate ourselves again. as Christians, we can't stay isolated in our homes, thinking "if someone comes to me, i'll totally show Christ to them." but we're supposed to go out, we're supposed to leave our cities on our hill and go to the people and live in their conditions, but not budge on God - we have to show them God in everything we do. Pastor Ron preached a little bit ago about how this is the heart of the missionary - that he goes and lives under the same conditions as the people he is ministering to, but he doesn't change his identity. he is actively communicating God in what he does - just because the circumstances change, this doesn't mean that he has to.
friday night's lesson was about making decisions - and how they are everywhere and even making an excuse is a decision because it is giving away your choice of decision and kind of going with wherever the flow is going. how, in practically everything, we can say "i choose God, and by doing this, i believe i am taking a step forward towards God." mike also talked about autopilot and how it is essentially when you're just going through life and you're not making active choices towards God. how being on autopilot is sorta like having a calloused heart - and if God has to shout towards your heart and you barely hear Him, you know that there's something wrong going on. today, Mike spoke about remembering God in everything you do - that when you pray, you are only doing so because that is what God said, and it is essentially a reflection of communion - His bread and His body. and when you do little, minute things like take showers or clean yourself, you are mirroring what He stands for - purity, cleanliness, without blemish. how in all the little things we have gotten used to doing, we should remember God in doing them, because by doing so, we are only truly glorifying Him.
girls are a problem. i don't know what i am doing. it doesn't seem like i should have a problem talking to any of them, but i keep on feeling that they are so different from me so that i have to change myself or they won't like me. and i can't talk about normal stuff, like "oh man, i'm so tired" or "dude, basketball was so fun" because i can't even say 'dude.' and i don't want to come off as an insensitive jerk, but i also don't want to come off as someone who doesn't know what they're doing, or is someone who's nervous to be talking to a girl, or is someone who is using them for some kind of desire. but, if you ask God, He's winning me over, because i have had the honor of being mostly lust free (by my standards...does that mean anything? not exactly) for about a week. i would hate to go back. i really would. praise be to God.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
momentum and blessing
i find, that i am really blessed. friday was great. we had DFC and i showed the movie that Mike showed on Sunday, and i was even late (which meant i had full demand). i came back home around 5 and went running - for like an hour, which is amazing. six or seven miles, and i am pretty sure i got the last half mile totally locked on to something like a six minute pace. more amazing is that the same night, i was getting so much air. like in my jumps. only a couple inches from touching the basketball rim. and i got to go running today as well - like five miles, and it was fun because i went with my friend and it started snowing and we went to Rhema.
i used to be part of a coffeeshop culture. part of a Renaissance Man culture, a runner culture, even a church culture, and all of these other things. mike said once that culture is an enemy of God. now, i want to be..God's. mike was talking about yesterday how his old roommate in college had one desire and that was to plainly do whatever God told him to do - and the byproduct, the result of this, was that absolutely whatever he did, he was super cool, and he ended up with a high GPA and married right out of college. and i kind of want that - kind of like i used to want to be in all these different cultures. but not for the prime product, or the main reason to be helplessly cool. i want God, and for Him to work in me. i think i might be able to tell when i stop caring about being cool and i just keep going on with this single desire to follow God.
ruth called this morning and got me excited cause she said she could totally see me touring with something like ATF nationally to do tech work or being a youth pastor, once i got over the whole shifty eyes thing. (ATF is in Houston this weekend and ruth went last night). that got me excited, that people think i am capable of great things. but you know what God said? the same thing. "I know the plans i have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you." and how He knows the great things He wants you to do - He knows how He wants to work in us, the things He will have us do for His glory. and i think that's cool because not only does He think i am capable of these things, He choses to trust me with them.
and finally - weekend. (though for Billy, that means SAT. i think you did well)
i used to be part of a coffeeshop culture. part of a Renaissance Man culture, a runner culture, even a church culture, and all of these other things. mike said once that culture is an enemy of God. now, i want to be..God's. mike was talking about yesterday how his old roommate in college had one desire and that was to plainly do whatever God told him to do - and the byproduct, the result of this, was that absolutely whatever he did, he was super cool, and he ended up with a high GPA and married right out of college. and i kind of want that - kind of like i used to want to be in all these different cultures. but not for the prime product, or the main reason to be helplessly cool. i want God, and for Him to work in me. i think i might be able to tell when i stop caring about being cool and i just keep going on with this single desire to follow God.
ruth called this morning and got me excited cause she said she could totally see me touring with something like ATF nationally to do tech work or being a youth pastor, once i got over the whole shifty eyes thing. (ATF is in Houston this weekend and ruth went last night). that got me excited, that people think i am capable of great things. but you know what God said? the same thing. "I know the plans i have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you." and how He knows the great things He wants you to do - He knows how He wants to work in us, the things He will have us do for His glory. and i think that's cool because not only does He think i am capable of these things, He choses to trust me with them.
and finally - weekend. (though for Billy, that means SAT. i think you did well)
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
difficulties
things got harder today, but they would still have been a step up from any day last week or maybe even last month. got to run again since the ice has mostly melted, so i was happy, but my legs are pretty tired, which makes me pretty tired.
i will make this a real post later. if you are really looking for something to read, check out yesterday's entry or the day before.
::EDIT::
today was one of those days that sorta seemed to drag on, when you would helplessly be late to everything. or at least, that's what it seemed to me when i woke up at 7:50, ten minutes before school started. so i was late to school, and after getting to work on time, i made a bunch of mistakes and got incredibly frustrated and was the closest i've ever been to hating and wanting to quit my job, wondering if i would just explode in anger and exchange pointlessly harsh words with everyone working and storm out. i didn't really, and things only got easier when all of the customers left. in this storm, i started questioning again. questioning God and whether or not i could take off in my own direction again...i don't think i made a decision.
this has been my week: monday was easy (blessed...grace-filled). tuesday was harder. wednesday was the same as tuesday, only tired. this isn't an excuse. it's just that - it must be possible though, right? the answer 'yes' is written all over the Bible... we're supposed to be able to live God-centered lives. then what's going on? it seems like this is so incompatible with having to be in school. maybe because being in school doesn't leave much time or space for being more than someone who is supposed to learn. i don't know. but this hurts...well, it doesn't really hurt. it just sorta sucks
but on another hand: i just had this conversation with my friend who got into the U of Penn early decision. i had talked to him earlier in the day about the possibility of him writing an article for the school newspaper about how he got into college (and not really thinking anything of it), but he said he couldn't write it because he couldn't say that it was to his credit. he really believes that he only got in because God had it in His plan for him to go to Penn, and he saids it's interesting because so far, he's the only Christian he knows that's gotten into Penn - and so this confirms more to him that it must have been God. well anyway, he said he wouldn't write the article because it was God that got him into college and not himself, and the article would have pretty much consisted of him saying how he got into college - so, what do you know? God is great.
i will make this a real post later. if you are really looking for something to read, check out yesterday's entry or the day before.
::EDIT::
today was one of those days that sorta seemed to drag on, when you would helplessly be late to everything. or at least, that's what it seemed to me when i woke up at 7:50, ten minutes before school started. so i was late to school, and after getting to work on time, i made a bunch of mistakes and got incredibly frustrated and was the closest i've ever been to hating and wanting to quit my job, wondering if i would just explode in anger and exchange pointlessly harsh words with everyone working and storm out. i didn't really, and things only got easier when all of the customers left. in this storm, i started questioning again. questioning God and whether or not i could take off in my own direction again...i don't think i made a decision.
this has been my week: monday was easy (blessed...grace-filled). tuesday was harder. wednesday was the same as tuesday, only tired. this isn't an excuse. it's just that - it must be possible though, right? the answer 'yes' is written all over the Bible... we're supposed to be able to live God-centered lives. then what's going on? it seems like this is so incompatible with having to be in school. maybe because being in school doesn't leave much time or space for being more than someone who is supposed to learn. i don't know. but this hurts...well, it doesn't really hurt. it just sorta sucks
but on another hand: i just had this conversation with my friend who got into the U of Penn early decision. i had talked to him earlier in the day about the possibility of him writing an article for the school newspaper about how he got into college (and not really thinking anything of it), but he said he couldn't write it because he couldn't say that it was to his credit. he really believes that he only got in because God had it in His plan for him to go to Penn, and he saids it's interesting because so far, he's the only Christian he knows that's gotten into Penn - and so this confirms more to him that it must have been God. well anyway, he said he wouldn't write the article because it was God that got him into college and not himself, and the article would have pretty much consisted of him saying how he got into college - so, what do you know? God is great.
Monday, January 22, 2007
new beginnings
my friend wrote this, a couple months ago at the beginning of school at a time when things weren't going so well. i printed it off and spent my calculus class reading it:
"I've been at my wrost. my lowest. I'm not reading my Bible, I'm not really praying, I'm not relying on God, I'm not I'm not I'm not...
That is what the world screams into your ear. You're worthless. All you are is a failure because of this or that.
But the Bible says that something like even if mountains shake and valleys move, God's love for YOU will always be there, be the same, be.
You were created in His image. Imagine that. You were created in His image. You are an image of God. the perfect one and pure and holy one. You are one of His sons. His son. Just think about that. The God who created the universe and you're His son. Unfathomable. I still don't get it. God's love is boundless and just take a second to let Him love on you. It really brightens the day. there becomes a bounce in the step of the weary.
God loves you. a prince never hangs his head in shame in the Father's house. You are a prince, so just let God love on you. that's all God really calls us to be. Sure, you're supposed to do this and that, but all God wants is for us to love and be loved by Him. That's it. To love and be loved by God, by Jersus, who was nailed to the cross for you.
hopefully, this can be some kind of encouragement for you. I know that's hard. I know that you just want it all to end. But that's why God pulls us through these trials - to make us stronger in Him and for us to rely more and more on Him.
God bless. People are praying for you and never forget that prayer changes things"
---
I went to the Burn on saturday with my best friend Billy, which was pretty much a nonstop (40 hours) prayer and worship session. it was amazing. being somewhere like there is pretty much sustenance in God, and walking out the doors feels like walking into a world where you will be challenged and things will get hard again, but being in that church feels like you can be yourself and no one will condemn you. to make a long story short, billy and i made a pact that we wouldn't leave. we said that we might go through school and talk to people and run races and play basketball, but we wouldn't leave that place of worship. we would maintain that atmosphere of God and "come as you are" and "God lets us do His will and His is the only opinion that matters."
it gets hard. it was, at least, for him today, and i don't doubt that i will be feeling it sometime soon. but as for today, man... celebration. it feels like i just got saved again. God made it so easy. lust didn't even try and even homework wasn't that bad and i actually paid attention in physics. God made it so easy. it won't always be like this, but as for today, i know i am blessed beyond all belief.
"I've been at my wrost. my lowest. I'm not reading my Bible, I'm not really praying, I'm not relying on God, I'm not I'm not I'm not...
That is what the world screams into your ear. You're worthless. All you are is a failure because of this or that.
But the Bible says that something like even if mountains shake and valleys move, God's love for YOU will always be there, be the same, be.
You were created in His image. Imagine that. You were created in His image. You are an image of God. the perfect one and pure and holy one. You are one of His sons. His son. Just think about that. The God who created the universe and you're His son. Unfathomable. I still don't get it. God's love is boundless and just take a second to let Him love on you. It really brightens the day. there becomes a bounce in the step of the weary.
God loves you. a prince never hangs his head in shame in the Father's house. You are a prince, so just let God love on you. that's all God really calls us to be. Sure, you're supposed to do this and that, but all God wants is for us to love and be loved by Him. That's it. To love and be loved by God, by Jersus, who was nailed to the cross for you.
hopefully, this can be some kind of encouragement for you. I know that's hard. I know that you just want it all to end. But that's why God pulls us through these trials - to make us stronger in Him and for us to rely more and more on Him.
God bless. People are praying for you and never forget that prayer changes things"
---
I went to the Burn on saturday with my best friend Billy, which was pretty much a nonstop (40 hours) prayer and worship session. it was amazing. being somewhere like there is pretty much sustenance in God, and walking out the doors feels like walking into a world where you will be challenged and things will get hard again, but being in that church feels like you can be yourself and no one will condemn you. to make a long story short, billy and i made a pact that we wouldn't leave. we said that we might go through school and talk to people and run races and play basketball, but we wouldn't leave that place of worship. we would maintain that atmosphere of God and "come as you are" and "God lets us do His will and His is the only opinion that matters."
it gets hard. it was, at least, for him today, and i don't doubt that i will be feeling it sometime soon. but as for today, man... celebration. it feels like i just got saved again. God made it so easy. lust didn't even try and even homework wasn't that bad and i actually paid attention in physics. God made it so easy. it won't always be like this, but as for today, i know i am blessed beyond all belief.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
true consecreation...
so i'm not sure how to say this. everything's changed. with this morning. we watched a video in the sermon and it was a compilation of a whole bunch of famous pastors giving speeches about what it really means to be a Christian, and why it is important. One part read something like this: "Are you saved? Not saved from hell. Saved from lust, saved from anger, saved from immorality, saved from..." another part sounded like "If any of you are a real Christian, you have probably said something like this: God, I'm willing to give everything to follow you and even if i end up going to hell, i will continue to follow you, because You are worthy and You are deserving of this. And i'm not trying to make a deal with You." that last part is important because so many, like myself, turn to God for the blessings that are supposed to result. so that they can be happy, or so that they can make someone think they are better, or so that they will get girls (which is something i've done in about the past month). but you know why we should follow Christ? because He is worthy. because He went through hell for us so that we could be with Him and not hold anything back - be completely His.
that's why we go on missions. it's not for our own sake - to prove that we are good or to show others that we are good and, in fact, better than they. and it is not for them either - it is not so that we can civilize the uncivilized and bring fortune to the unfortunate or life to the dead. it is because God went through hell so that He could have them, and He wants them - it is a kind of selfish love. Today, God was a Lion. He was ferocious and so in love and so passionate, and He was worthy. There's this song called "I Lay Down my Life" and the chorus goes to say that I lay down my life to win for the Lamb the rewards of His suffering. To win the lost, to take up the cross. that is why we go on missions. to get God who He died for - not to prove ourselves or show others some kind of new life. but as simple as that God wants them, and God is justified and glorious and deserving and worthy of having them. so everything we do should fall into line with what God wants us to do, and in fact, God wants all of us. God wants our minds and our hearts to be fastened and focused on Him, and He wants us to love each other and not be malicious and not do things of the flesh...everytime we choose to do otherwise, we have denied God. we have not surrendered our rights - we have said to God that we still have a right to ourselves. we have also essentially said to God, You don't have all of me. and we say "i can't help myself," but in reality, we have to, and it's God's wrath that results if we don't.
as a verse says, "you are not your own. you were bought at a price."
at another time, one of the pastors on the video said, "the world didn't get along with the holiest man alive. how is that the world can get along with us. is it compromise? is it compromise?" it is...because, we won't stand up for His name. really started to belittle the idea that someone might reject me for speaking God's name (in fact, this is pretty much inevitable to the real Christian - right? it's everywhere in the gospels, "when you get persecuted for my Name"). i don't know why it bugged so much. i don't know how i'm gonna do ministry anymore. i might just start talking to someone about God, and i shouldn't be bothered by what they think of me. man, is that not so obvious? it's what God thinks about you, right? well, i used to not want to be the aggressor. simply to have people come to me. i think that is wrong now. we cannot stay in our own little worlds of luxury and convenience and supposedly established faith - we have to go out into the world and show it to others, because if someone needs help, what are the real odds that they are going to turn to something so isolated like a Christian community?
another thing...talking about two missionaries who sold everything they had into lifetime slavery so that they could minster to thousands of slaves who never knew the name of God before. absolutely no interest this life - none at all. practically suicide. i am not even kidding - such a thing is unheard of. we have so many back-up plans, so many things to fall back on. well these missionaries didn't. and once they did that, there was no turning back. they had to have known they were right, and believed it. we have that privilege as well.
everything i do, i don't want to do it for myself, and i don't want to do it for others. only for God's sake. i want to cut the crap and the excess, the self-deception and the judging and the competitive mentality and just get to God. and run as hard as i can, as strong as i can, because that's what He calls us to do. to persevere through challenges and allow ourselves to be changed by Him. to do as much as we can to get away from ourselves, from the idea of pride, from the idea of justifying ourselves. the very end of the video read this: "The question is not, 'are you challenged?' the question is, 'are you changed?'"
and i think this is true, because whatever life you live, no matter who you are, you will have to face challenges, and it will be up to you to decide if you are going to walk and take a break or if you are going to keep going, even if it feels like the wrong thing, but to keep pressing on to the end. this rises up the college question again...and now, who cares about comfort? why should i care whether i go to OU or Rice because the food's better or the people are better or Houston is better? why should i ever care about being comfortable - besides, i know that my necessities are going to be met wherever it is i am led. the real question is where is God? is God blessing OU for me? or Rice? if so, then shouldn't i make it more than my top priority to get there? then God will get what He wants. and this is only important because He is worthy. because He went through hell to get us, and to deny Him is the same as saying that He isn't worth it.
that's why we go on missions. it's not for our own sake - to prove that we are good or to show others that we are good and, in fact, better than they. and it is not for them either - it is not so that we can civilize the uncivilized and bring fortune to the unfortunate or life to the dead. it is because God went through hell so that He could have them, and He wants them - it is a kind of selfish love. Today, God was a Lion. He was ferocious and so in love and so passionate, and He was worthy. There's this song called "I Lay Down my Life" and the chorus goes to say that I lay down my life to win for the Lamb the rewards of His suffering. To win the lost, to take up the cross. that is why we go on missions. to get God who He died for - not to prove ourselves or show others some kind of new life. but as simple as that God wants them, and God is justified and glorious and deserving and worthy of having them. so everything we do should fall into line with what God wants us to do, and in fact, God wants all of us. God wants our minds and our hearts to be fastened and focused on Him, and He wants us to love each other and not be malicious and not do things of the flesh...everytime we choose to do otherwise, we have denied God. we have not surrendered our rights - we have said to God that we still have a right to ourselves. we have also essentially said to God, You don't have all of me. and we say "i can't help myself," but in reality, we have to, and it's God's wrath that results if we don't.
as a verse says, "you are not your own. you were bought at a price."
at another time, one of the pastors on the video said, "the world didn't get along with the holiest man alive. how is that the world can get along with us. is it compromise? is it compromise?" it is...because, we won't stand up for His name. really started to belittle the idea that someone might reject me for speaking God's name (in fact, this is pretty much inevitable to the real Christian - right? it's everywhere in the gospels, "when you get persecuted for my Name"). i don't know why it bugged so much. i don't know how i'm gonna do ministry anymore. i might just start talking to someone about God, and i shouldn't be bothered by what they think of me. man, is that not so obvious? it's what God thinks about you, right? well, i used to not want to be the aggressor. simply to have people come to me. i think that is wrong now. we cannot stay in our own little worlds of luxury and convenience and supposedly established faith - we have to go out into the world and show it to others, because if someone needs help, what are the real odds that they are going to turn to something so isolated like a Christian community?
another thing...talking about two missionaries who sold everything they had into lifetime slavery so that they could minster to thousands of slaves who never knew the name of God before. absolutely no interest this life - none at all. practically suicide. i am not even kidding - such a thing is unheard of. we have so many back-up plans, so many things to fall back on. well these missionaries didn't. and once they did that, there was no turning back. they had to have known they were right, and believed it. we have that privilege as well.
everything i do, i don't want to do it for myself, and i don't want to do it for others. only for God's sake. i want to cut the crap and the excess, the self-deception and the judging and the competitive mentality and just get to God. and run as hard as i can, as strong as i can, because that's what He calls us to do. to persevere through challenges and allow ourselves to be changed by Him. to do as much as we can to get away from ourselves, from the idea of pride, from the idea of justifying ourselves. the very end of the video read this: "The question is not, 'are you challenged?' the question is, 'are you changed?'"
and i think this is true, because whatever life you live, no matter who you are, you will have to face challenges, and it will be up to you to decide if you are going to walk and take a break or if you are going to keep going, even if it feels like the wrong thing, but to keep pressing on to the end. this rises up the college question again...and now, who cares about comfort? why should i care whether i go to OU or Rice because the food's better or the people are better or Houston is better? why should i ever care about being comfortable - besides, i know that my necessities are going to be met wherever it is i am led. the real question is where is God? is God blessing OU for me? or Rice? if so, then shouldn't i make it more than my top priority to get there? then God will get what He wants. and this is only important because He is worthy. because He went through hell to get us, and to deny Him is the same as saying that He isn't worth it.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
see the morning
last year in track season, I was feeling pretty dejected. we had to drive out somewhere far, and that previous Friday night, I remember something happened to prove even more discouraging. I ran a horrendously bad two mile (i was just playing around) and then got pretty mad at myself, retreating to the tent to try to read more of Mere Christianity and listen to music. i was crying, and people were there, but nobody tried to comfort me. I couldn't understand that. maybe because i retreated into myself.
because yesterday night, i was feeling pretty dejected, and drove some semi-long distance to get to the Burn (www.burn24-7.com/) and left feeling kind of discouraged. all i got was that God should be more than just my top priority, but my only priority. and that i would give so much to feel God's embrace. to be wrapped up in His arms. couldn't get that out of my head. well, okay, there was something else in my head, because i think that's the closest I got to God, though i could feel when He was surging through everybody else with this amazing drum player. like I could feel it on my skin sorta thing.
i am not sure why sometimes you go to seek God and you can't find Him. i think it's sometimes because we think we are "summoning" Him and that's not the way it works at all, so He doesn't show up so that we have to see that we are wrong. CS Lewis said that if your paradigm or sight does not allow to see God, then you obviously won't see God. i think that's been my experience, but it's been disguised behind pride and whatnot. i don't know, but i feel like i missed it.
these last few days have been a rollercoaster, feeling God in the morning (feeling amazing, doing bits and pieces of homework with great quality) and sometimes wearing off, as it did yesterday night with Friday night. i think i just got ticked off because here was aileen and elaine and aileen had a haircut and jerry was just kinda messing with them, and it was like, why couldn't i do that? anyway, i talked to sarah later at around midnight and she said things that made sense. that i only had a clear view of three girls and if there had been even 30 girls aileen might not have stood out. she also said sometimes God puts people in our lives that we can date and stuff, but they're not "the one," but God's still trying to teach us stuff. about that time, i remembered that being in a relationship is never about the relationship, but about the other person. and i'll repeat that because it makes so much sense that i have forgotten all too many times - being in a relationship has never been about the relationship, but about the other person
well, with the morning i am beginning to feel better. energy and these things sorta behind me. if you were wondering, something happened to my gmail account, and so i couldn't access the "new" Blogger. fortunately, this was repaired. i'm still here.
because yesterday night, i was feeling pretty dejected, and drove some semi-long distance to get to the Burn (www.burn24-7.com/) and left feeling kind of discouraged. all i got was that God should be more than just my top priority, but my only priority. and that i would give so much to feel God's embrace. to be wrapped up in His arms. couldn't get that out of my head. well, okay, there was something else in my head, because i think that's the closest I got to God, though i could feel when He was surging through everybody else with this amazing drum player. like I could feel it on my skin sorta thing.
i am not sure why sometimes you go to seek God and you can't find Him. i think it's sometimes because we think we are "summoning" Him and that's not the way it works at all, so He doesn't show up so that we have to see that we are wrong. CS Lewis said that if your paradigm or sight does not allow to see God, then you obviously won't see God. i think that's been my experience, but it's been disguised behind pride and whatnot. i don't know, but i feel like i missed it.
these last few days have been a rollercoaster, feeling God in the morning (feeling amazing, doing bits and pieces of homework with great quality) and sometimes wearing off, as it did yesterday night with Friday night. i think i just got ticked off because here was aileen and elaine and aileen had a haircut and jerry was just kinda messing with them, and it was like, why couldn't i do that? anyway, i talked to sarah later at around midnight and she said things that made sense. that i only had a clear view of three girls and if there had been even 30 girls aileen might not have stood out. she also said sometimes God puts people in our lives that we can date and stuff, but they're not "the one," but God's still trying to teach us stuff. about that time, i remembered that being in a relationship is never about the relationship, but about the other person. and i'll repeat that because it makes so much sense that i have forgotten all too many times - being in a relationship has never been about the relationship, but about the other person
well, with the morning i am beginning to feel better. energy and these things sorta behind me. if you were wondering, something happened to my gmail account, and so i couldn't access the "new" Blogger. fortunately, this was repaired. i'm still here.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
vindicated
was in a bad mood. lazy, dysfunctional, just feeling bad. score one for God, i am feeling much better, despite it being 1:10 in the morning. my youth pastor once talked about how his best friend had grace to not need to sleep... actually, about three times last year, i had a paper due for a scholarship or in English or US History and, tired and exhausted, i would fall to sleep before i had a chance to start it or gathered enough initiative to start it (one or the other..) and God woke me up at least three times at around 2 or 3 in the morning and i had a lot of energy...and wrote my papers. one time he did it with a nosebleed. got my homework finished though - i'm pretty sure it was God.
talked on the phone to one of my sister's friends who went with Urbana with her and will also probably go on a missions trip with Daniel and myself to Chicago this spring break. apparently we will be witnessing to Muslims, so we might research together. well, she got me into a prayerful attitude, and you know how good things happen when two or more people meet in the name of Jesus? well, it brought me out of the pits. i guess that has been a recurring theme - i've been in the pits over really small things that shouldn't get me down. because i can't finish one problem on my math homework or am only mediocre in my programming performance at Botball, when i'm not really that behind at all.
when you get to talk to someone about God, He becomes a lot more real to you. to hear how someone has progressed, or how someone is struggling, or how someone is in some way turning to God or doesn't know where to turn, it helps you see how much God has done for yourself. it is great that we worship the same God, the millions and billions of us, yet we can still have an intimate relationship with one who would leave all of us for another. that might sound foolish to some, but perhaps the ultimate sacrifice and display of love ever. in fact, His character could be said to be the definition of love.
been listening a lot to this song by Dashboard Confessionals called Vindicated that is pretty much a giant catharsis about being vindicated and being wrong, yet being right, and being flawed, but becoming better. i guess it's a lot of ambivalence. a lot of being both right and wrong and struggling through life. i don't think it will ever be officially classified as a Christian song, but this seems like one of those rare songs that comes from a person's heart and mind when he has been hurt and is looking something to redeem him, and hasn't been smoking pot or doing drugs.
i thought i wanted a girlfriend. or friends that were girls. i think God will take care of me, and i don't need a girlfriend, because that's where peace was. and if this is waiting - peace - well then, i should still be content even if it's waiting. school today, in about five and a half hours if i go play basketball, a lot of paperwork to deal with and a lot of sleep to catch up on, not to mention some homework. God bless your day, as He has mine. He is faithful, and good. All the time.
talked on the phone to one of my sister's friends who went with Urbana with her and will also probably go on a missions trip with Daniel and myself to Chicago this spring break. apparently we will be witnessing to Muslims, so we might research together. well, she got me into a prayerful attitude, and you know how good things happen when two or more people meet in the name of Jesus? well, it brought me out of the pits. i guess that has been a recurring theme - i've been in the pits over really small things that shouldn't get me down. because i can't finish one problem on my math homework or am only mediocre in my programming performance at Botball, when i'm not really that behind at all.
when you get to talk to someone about God, He becomes a lot more real to you. to hear how someone has progressed, or how someone is struggling, or how someone is in some way turning to God or doesn't know where to turn, it helps you see how much God has done for yourself. it is great that we worship the same God, the millions and billions of us, yet we can still have an intimate relationship with one who would leave all of us for another. that might sound foolish to some, but perhaps the ultimate sacrifice and display of love ever. in fact, His character could be said to be the definition of love.
been listening a lot to this song by Dashboard Confessionals called Vindicated that is pretty much a giant catharsis about being vindicated and being wrong, yet being right, and being flawed, but becoming better. i guess it's a lot of ambivalence. a lot of being both right and wrong and struggling through life. i don't think it will ever be officially classified as a Christian song, but this seems like one of those rare songs that comes from a person's heart and mind when he has been hurt and is looking something to redeem him, and hasn't been smoking pot or doing drugs.
i thought i wanted a girlfriend. or friends that were girls. i think God will take care of me, and i don't need a girlfriend, because that's where peace was. and if this is waiting - peace - well then, i should still be content even if it's waiting. school today, in about five and a half hours if i go play basketball, a lot of paperwork to deal with and a lot of sleep to catch up on, not to mention some homework. God bless your day, as He has mine. He is faithful, and good. All the time.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
the tears i cry
well, i'm back in tulsa, and up to a solid 8 pages on my short story. woke up to a dream, interestingly enough, second night in a row. i remembered being so certian of it, and when i had woken up semi-consciously, i am pretty sure i believed with little doubt that this was somehow true. i was thinking or dreaming that God intended for us to be pure and perfect, but we were still supposed to give it all away.
that's the basic, but i did a lot of elaborating on it. i wrote it on a Days Inn notepad, talking about how, when we feel that we're just normal, nothing ordinary, then we shouldn't have to do a lot. like if we only have the average income, then we shouldn't be expected to pay a lot of money to charity - at least, not like the rich should. perhaps that mindset translates to believing that if we are already weak in spirit, then the responsibility is no longer ours and falls to those who are strong in spirit. wrong...even if what we have is very little or nothing out of the ordinary, I think that's not the way God sees it, and we are supposed to give it all away, regardless of whatever it is we have. i think the way God sees us, or intends for us to be, is pure and perfect.
well, i woke up to that message, and spent another long day programming and building, much of it being mad because...i don't know. irritation. disappointment or discouragement, or something like that. would rather forget, anyway. just lost my composure.
it turns out that my sister was catching a ride from home back to college, but she really ended up going to New Mexico to ski. pretty tricky...i think that's cool. tired, i'm just going to write a little and get out of here for some sleep, because an early morning awakes to practice leading worship tomorrow at church.
listening to this song, Behind these Hazel Eyes, by kelly clarkson. it's a good song. talking about, probably, a girl who invested a lot in a guy, and the guy left, so the girl is just kind of...mad at him, and talking about the tears that she's going to cry behind her hazel eyes. did i mention she was also the American Idol? but seriously, i don't know why i have such a large reaction to this song. or the movie the Devil Wears Prada. i should forget. i know i should. i keep holding on, and i hurt, but i need to deal and move on. i really do. grr...frustration. i don't know. i'm gonna go to sleep.
that's the basic, but i did a lot of elaborating on it. i wrote it on a Days Inn notepad, talking about how, when we feel that we're just normal, nothing ordinary, then we shouldn't have to do a lot. like if we only have the average income, then we shouldn't be expected to pay a lot of money to charity - at least, not like the rich should. perhaps that mindset translates to believing that if we are already weak in spirit, then the responsibility is no longer ours and falls to those who are strong in spirit. wrong...even if what we have is very little or nothing out of the ordinary, I think that's not the way God sees it, and we are supposed to give it all away, regardless of whatever it is we have. i think the way God sees us, or intends for us to be, is pure and perfect.
well, i woke up to that message, and spent another long day programming and building, much of it being mad because...i don't know. irritation. disappointment or discouragement, or something like that. would rather forget, anyway. just lost my composure.
it turns out that my sister was catching a ride from home back to college, but she really ended up going to New Mexico to ski. pretty tricky...i think that's cool. tired, i'm just going to write a little and get out of here for some sleep, because an early morning awakes to practice leading worship tomorrow at church.
listening to this song, Behind these Hazel Eyes, by kelly clarkson. it's a good song. talking about, probably, a girl who invested a lot in a guy, and the guy left, so the girl is just kind of...mad at him, and talking about the tears that she's going to cry behind her hazel eyes. did i mention she was also the American Idol? but seriously, i don't know why i have such a large reaction to this song. or the movie the Devil Wears Prada. i should forget. i know i should. i keep holding on, and i hurt, but i need to deal and move on. i really do. grr...frustration. i don't know. i'm gonna go to sleep.
Friday, January 05, 2007
my eyes are open but i don't see where
over in Norman at OU (it is still very nice) for the Botball workshop. around 6 hours of a programming atmosphere - i have to say i enjoyed it. we're building a "demo-bot" that i'm gonna make sing the theme song to Rocky and spin around randomly to recruit participants. anyway, this is pretty much my weekend, and i don't know how long i will last. i think lethargy won today - i am very tired.
i fell to lust again yesterday. i got to thinking, this could be just the beginning to never having that temptation again - to being free of it. well, i forgot to take it one day at a time, and you can't be lust-free forever if you don't start with a single day. i have to fight every single day, i guess it is my responsibility as a Christian. i should just suck it up and start fighting and choosing God, because, as much as it is disappointing to say this, i haven't had a good fight for a while, and the last thing i really want to be associated with me is the word slacker. disrespect is second, i think. that or undevoted/uncommitted...actually, that might be first.
i...need to shape up. you know how sometimes you know you're in terrible position, and then someone says "what are you going to do about it?" and you just want to answer, "i know i have a problem. i'm going to deal with it, okay?" well, i want to tell myself that. i think i'm gonna start reading through Hebrews. i hope i actually really start to do that...not another empty promise to add to the collection God has once again cleaned for me. i know it's foolish to think that i can go without God cleansing me, but it's even more foolish to think that means that i don't have to fight. i need to fight. i haven't even been trying these past few days.
well, i woke up this morning with Peter's encounter with Jesus walking on the water in my head, and, several hours later, remembered that i thought that this no-doubt belonged in my short story (i'm up to 6 pages. score one...or six). Jesus was walking on the water and everyone was freaking out, and Peter does what Jesus does, which is inevitably what we're called to do as well*. Peter does it for a little bit and i bet he is exhilirated...because man doesn't normally walk on water. that pretty much defines this reality, this entire science-driven paradigm. when he takes his eyes off of God, onto something else - the reaction of possibly jealous apostles? maybe his own feet in doubt? - he begins to sink and panics. Jesus catches Him, even though His words probably hurt just as much as it would have been for Peter struggling from drowning. He said "Why are you of so little faith?" Instantly a finger points inward and i know i have fallen
*[- which connects nicely to experiencing a newer, more freeing or empowering reality, which might sound like some kind of wickedly evil pleasure, but it doesn't have to be like that, and there's a humbling process you have to go through so that you're never supposed to get that power hungry look of being better than anyone or having beaten this reality]
i fell to lust again yesterday. i got to thinking, this could be just the beginning to never having that temptation again - to being free of it. well, i forgot to take it one day at a time, and you can't be lust-free forever if you don't start with a single day. i have to fight every single day, i guess it is my responsibility as a Christian. i should just suck it up and start fighting and choosing God, because, as much as it is disappointing to say this, i haven't had a good fight for a while, and the last thing i really want to be associated with me is the word slacker. disrespect is second, i think. that or undevoted/uncommitted...actually, that might be first.
i...need to shape up. you know how sometimes you know you're in terrible position, and then someone says "what are you going to do about it?" and you just want to answer, "i know i have a problem. i'm going to deal with it, okay?" well, i want to tell myself that. i think i'm gonna start reading through Hebrews. i hope i actually really start to do that...not another empty promise to add to the collection God has once again cleaned for me. i know it's foolish to think that i can go without God cleansing me, but it's even more foolish to think that means that i don't have to fight. i need to fight. i haven't even been trying these past few days.
well, i woke up this morning with Peter's encounter with Jesus walking on the water in my head, and, several hours later, remembered that i thought that this no-doubt belonged in my short story (i'm up to 6 pages. score one...or six). Jesus was walking on the water and everyone was freaking out, and Peter does what Jesus does, which is inevitably what we're called to do as well*. Peter does it for a little bit and i bet he is exhilirated...because man doesn't normally walk on water. that pretty much defines this reality, this entire science-driven paradigm. when he takes his eyes off of God, onto something else - the reaction of possibly jealous apostles? maybe his own feet in doubt? - he begins to sink and panics. Jesus catches Him, even though His words probably hurt just as much as it would have been for Peter struggling from drowning. He said "Why are you of so little faith?" Instantly a finger points inward and i know i have fallen
*[- which connects nicely to experiencing a newer, more freeing or empowering reality, which might sound like some kind of wickedly evil pleasure, but it doesn't have to be like that, and there's a humbling process you have to go through so that you're never supposed to get that power hungry look of being better than anyone or having beaten this reality]
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
opportunity of a lifetime
i sat down yesterday night to do some journaling and realized that i really do have a lot to look forward. i mean, besides the senior internship program that takes up the last month of school, AP Tests, and graduation in about five months, there's also the movie release schedule around that time that includes Spiderman 3 as well as the second Fantastic 4. no seriously, i'm thinking something else. Botball, track, Acquire the Fire, 30 Hour Famine, some arts festival substitute (since the traditional ISAS has been unhappily cancelled), a missions trip to Chicago with Daniel, a missions trip with the youth group to who knows where (earlier suspicions involving the MASCCR, a giant asian-american conference, were somewhat confirmed, though not entirely our missions trip), and a summer of hopeful relaxation and flexibly refreshing intimacy with family, friends, and Tulsa.
i finished reading Stephen King's On Writing and got to the point where (this is reality) he gets hit by a blue van and is apparently flipped over the windshield, some fourteen feet above the ground, avoiding greatly probable death. he says what keeps him going - ultimately, his savior - is his writing. he says that it is writing that he turns to - not to mention the operations of one of the doctors and his wife's love - that is what gets him going and really leads to recovery. my youth pastor mike has mentioned how Asian-Americans do this the same way, as bad as it sounds, with work - except they overload themselves with work so that they never have to get to the end of it to realize whether or not it was really worth it. Stephen King turned to writing, and the youth of America turn to sex and drugs and video games like World of Warcraft, and even if they get to the end of it, they are confused out of their minds because their worlds have nothing left for them. they had one hope in sex and drugs and, in a word, culture, and if or once it has failed them, they are hopeless.
how great it would be to be in this kind of ministry. a liberating, watch-God-work position of ministry. i heard about a guy who break dances in the NYC subways and uses that to get together a crowd and share the Word - share his personal testimony, share what is important to him. i thought this was cool, as i read it in Newsweek about three years ago, and am trying to learn how to break dance for this reason (and what should be the less important reason that it is cool). my school schedule being what it is - for the first time in my past seven semesters in high school - i think i will take technical theater. though i thought i could go without this class and somewhat have to an extent, i want to be in a position where i could be part of a crew working for events like Passion or Urbana or, I have no idea - something where I could watch God move. I would really like to be there when He does something big, when the next huge wage comes to sweep us all away in His current.
as for today, i've got homework and am missing out on sleep. hope that you are having a good night or whatever time of day it is when you read this. for dinner, i went out with mike, lisa, sam, and ruth, and cashed in on mike's promise of a dinner for running a 5k in under 18 minutes. in a week, i'll have a chance to break a five minute mile. we went out to Memories of Japan, a nice sushi place that is apparently a hole-in-the-wall restaurant. but it was really great. i give out great props. very good sushi. have a good day.
i finished reading Stephen King's On Writing and got to the point where (this is reality) he gets hit by a blue van and is apparently flipped over the windshield, some fourteen feet above the ground, avoiding greatly probable death. he says what keeps him going - ultimately, his savior - is his writing. he says that it is writing that he turns to - not to mention the operations of one of the doctors and his wife's love - that is what gets him going and really leads to recovery. my youth pastor mike has mentioned how Asian-Americans do this the same way, as bad as it sounds, with work - except they overload themselves with work so that they never have to get to the end of it to realize whether or not it was really worth it. Stephen King turned to writing, and the youth of America turn to sex and drugs and video games like World of Warcraft, and even if they get to the end of it, they are confused out of their minds because their worlds have nothing left for them. they had one hope in sex and drugs and, in a word, culture, and if or once it has failed them, they are hopeless.
how great it would be to be in this kind of ministry. a liberating, watch-God-work position of ministry. i heard about a guy who break dances in the NYC subways and uses that to get together a crowd and share the Word - share his personal testimony, share what is important to him. i thought this was cool, as i read it in Newsweek about three years ago, and am trying to learn how to break dance for this reason (and what should be the less important reason that it is cool). my school schedule being what it is - for the first time in my past seven semesters in high school - i think i will take technical theater. though i thought i could go without this class and somewhat have to an extent, i want to be in a position where i could be part of a crew working for events like Passion or Urbana or, I have no idea - something where I could watch God move. I would really like to be there when He does something big, when the next huge wage comes to sweep us all away in His current.
as for today, i've got homework and am missing out on sleep. hope that you are having a good night or whatever time of day it is when you read this. for dinner, i went out with mike, lisa, sam, and ruth, and cashed in on mike's promise of a dinner for running a 5k in under 18 minutes. in a week, i'll have a chance to break a five minute mile. we went out to Memories of Japan, a nice sushi place that is apparently a hole-in-the-wall restaurant. but it was really great. i give out great props. very good sushi. have a good day.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Tostitos Fiesta 2
i guess i can feel like an idiot now that i've realized that Boise State actually came back to win the Fiesta Bowl over OU, so i guess you can pretty much forget about the first two paragraphs of that last entry. apparently the fat lady wasn't singing with a minute and a half to go in the game - she was waiting for Boise State to score a touchdown on a crazy trick play, then to let Adrian Peterson score a touchdown so that we wouldn't expect Boise State to score and go for a two point conversion. in fact, i think the fat lady waited until one of the Boise State star players asked one of the cheerleaders to marry him. she said yes.
today... what did i even do? school is starting up again, so i wonder if my mind will be numbed or relieved. i have very little to write, but i still want it to be relevant, so i will find something we can do.
this is something i wrote one Sunday, when my youth pastor mike preached about not letting the system get to you, and he would have said that that was one of the nice, rare times we actually had "church," instead of simply "doing church." God was there, and we played worship practically the whole time until it was time to eat. it was such a relief to see God there. it was amazing. this is something i wrote (began as somewhat of a song):
I will never know
I will never know
How much I need You
How much I owe You
How much You love me
How much You've set me free
[But that won't stop me,
You are who You are
and I am someone else
that You've set free
You've set me free]
And I will never understand the mystery of it all
The importance of my falls
Or why You lift me up
When I might stab again
I don't understsand
And I don't understand who it is You are
Cause if I did, I'd know it's You and only You I should live for
I don't know why You call me son
And in Your image, I'm the one
Whom You would die for
I don't really know
And I don't really understand what it is You've done
Cause if I did, I'd know it's You and only You for whom I'd run
I don't know how great this is
And I don't know where this is going
I don't know, Lord, I won't know
So take me there to where You're calling
And I could never fully know how beautiful You are
I could never express how much I wonder
To be in the light
Found holy in Your sight
I could never express
I could never know how great our God is
How great You make us
How You change us and break us
Because it's love, true love
How great is Your Word, lifted high above
Our heavens, high above our knowledge
And our expectations and our wonders
So much more than what we can know and so much more than what we can comprehend
It is You that makes things work and You that makes things come alive
You make everything new and You make everything stand at awe of Your grace and Your power
It is You and only You
and though I will never really understand or comprehend what it is You've done to me,
I will run to You with such an urgency that it cannot be denied,
and it cannot be ignored
I will run to You with such an urgency that when I can run no longer, it will be You who carries me
and I will love You
with everything I have
and I will find myself in this place
The battle between grace and pride, I did just give up not so long ago.
You're the one.
I won't understand it, but I need You. More than anything
I need Your love. I need You, no matter what that means. I need You.
And even if I don't know
You're still enough for me
And even if I don't know
I'll live for You and Your glory
---
PS. according to a deacon board meeting e-mail, we are going to the MACCSR retreat (some acronym that pretty much means a giant Asian-American summer retreat or conference) and supposedly going to be leading the youth group. it might be in missouri, we don't know, and maybe won't get details for a while. also might only be three days long, so that would probably mean it's not (or at least not entirely) our missions trip.
also got a missions trip to Chicago with Daniel and OU company to look forward to during spring break. he said that if i wanted to see demons, they would be on this trip. i am truthfully pretty scared, but i want to see some things happen, and it seems as if i've been at a standstill with God for a while. also looking forward to Acquire the Fire coming up before that spring break, March 2nd and 3rd.
today... what did i even do? school is starting up again, so i wonder if my mind will be numbed or relieved. i have very little to write, but i still want it to be relevant, so i will find something we can do.
this is something i wrote one Sunday, when my youth pastor mike preached about not letting the system get to you, and he would have said that that was one of the nice, rare times we actually had "church," instead of simply "doing church." God was there, and we played worship practically the whole time until it was time to eat. it was such a relief to see God there. it was amazing. this is something i wrote (began as somewhat of a song):
I will never know
I will never know
How much I need You
How much I owe You
How much You love me
How much You've set me free
[But that won't stop me,
You are who You are
and I am someone else
that You've set free
You've set me free]
And I will never understand the mystery of it all
The importance of my falls
Or why You lift me up
When I might stab again
I don't understsand
And I don't understand who it is You are
Cause if I did, I'd know it's You and only You I should live for
I don't know why You call me son
And in Your image, I'm the one
Whom You would die for
I don't really know
And I don't really understand what it is You've done
Cause if I did, I'd know it's You and only You for whom I'd run
I don't know how great this is
And I don't know where this is going
I don't know, Lord, I won't know
So take me there to where You're calling
And I could never fully know how beautiful You are
I could never express how much I wonder
To be in the light
Found holy in Your sight
I could never express
I could never know how great our God is
How great You make us
How You change us and break us
Because it's love, true love
How great is Your Word, lifted high above
Our heavens, high above our knowledge
And our expectations and our wonders
So much more than what we can know and so much more than what we can comprehend
It is You that makes things work and You that makes things come alive
You make everything new and You make everything stand at awe of Your grace and Your power
It is You and only You
and though I will never really understand or comprehend what it is You've done to me,
I will run to You with such an urgency that it cannot be denied,
and it cannot be ignored
I will run to You with such an urgency that when I can run no longer, it will be You who carries me
and I will love You
with everything I have
and I will find myself in this place
The battle between grace and pride, I did just give up not so long ago.
You're the one.
I won't understand it, but I need You. More than anything
I need Your love. I need You, no matter what that means. I need You.
And even if I don't know
You're still enough for me
And even if I don't know
I'll live for You and Your glory
---
PS. according to a deacon board meeting e-mail, we are going to the MACCSR retreat (some acronym that pretty much means a giant Asian-American summer retreat or conference) and supposedly going to be leading the youth group. it might be in missouri, we don't know, and maybe won't get details for a while. also might only be three days long, so that would probably mean it's not (or at least not entirely) our missions trip.
also got a missions trip to Chicago with Daniel and OU company to look forward to during spring break. he said that if i wanted to see demons, they would be on this trip. i am truthfully pretty scared, but i want to see some things happen, and it seems as if i've been at a standstill with God for a while. also looking forward to Acquire the Fire coming up before that spring break, March 2nd and 3rd.
Monday, January 01, 2007
Tostitos Fiesta and lessons from running
just watched the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, between OU and Boise State, and was stunned. since i might go to OU next year and just plain like OU (for some reason, a lot more than OSU), it was nice to see that "we" won, in fact, in the last minute and a half, pretty much, after spending basically the entire game down by a great deal of points. "We" were down by as much as 18 or so and, strangely, it never felt as if OU wouldn't come back and win it. if it's possible, OU always seemed to have the momentum, even when down 28 to 10.
but i saw the shock and pain in the faces of Boise State players and fans. it stinks. something they thought would hold through didn't. this was a little like the championship football game at my high school, between us and Oklahoma City Casady. well, they kind of killed us, and all of us loyal high school fans got pretty frustrated that we weren't playing well. the last thing you want is disrespect from the winners, so when they ended the game singing that "Na Na Na Hey Hey Good Bye" song, i was kind of mad. and i don't think i would have injured someone just to win, no matter how much glory would result. i maybe wrongly thought it suspicious that two Boise State players were injured on the same play in the last OU drive which ultimately won the game.
anyways, how about that new year? i hope all of you have a good year, a good '07. things were pretty bad that day, actually. but after about an hour of restless sleep and a phone call...things are looking up. God is...still God. and i am...well, i'm not sure i know. i am beginning to find out again who it is i am. i am God's, yes. i am being changed into that person. who that looks like? probably beyond my wildest imaginations.
went running. just about 4 miles, though i have determined a run to Riverside on 71st would be 9 and a half and want to try that sometime. school starts on wednesday and i need to do the summer reading for my new English elective, Creative Writing. it's a Stephen King memoir called On Writing and a book from a list which is, interestingly enough, the Gospels. get to skip friday to go to OKC for a Botball workshop and then it will be sunday again with mike preaching.
what i learned from running was not entirely relevant to what's going on now, but will be or would have been. a lot of the times, we think that the more we do, the better we are. so if you did pretty much everything all the time, without any kind of rest or restraint, then we would be more accomplished - we would be better people. somehow better. but that's not the case. yes, hard work has to occur, but it's not that the most hard work you do, the better you are. it's sorta how you ration that work. for running, you shouldn't be running 10 miles everyday if you're like me. you should only run 6 days a week at most and if i tried to run 10 miles a single day, i might be out for the rest of the week. things don't always have to be tough and hard just to get somewhere, and if they're only tough and hard, you'll get discouraged and blow out your legs.
i thought about truth. thought about how God loves us all the same, and He cares about our hearts more than our abilities and performances, and if He did, we'd all be in trouble because the water doesn't listen to us like it does to Him. i thought about how i should eliminate the words "better" and "more [adjective here]" from my vocabulary (excluding a couple of things) because there is no room for competition in the kingdom. and i thought about how significant it is to not think of yourself as the victim in everything and to forgive and forget. and to stop asking God for things that you want, but rather to ask God for what God would want you to have. pretty much.
ruth and friends got back from Urbana. i went to my friends house and we ate some really good queso that they made and watched the big USC-Michigan Rose Bowl football game. went to sleep at 5 this morning after a night of poker and Mario Tennis, so i think i will get to sleep after getting through as much of my summer reading as i can. God bless.
but i saw the shock and pain in the faces of Boise State players and fans. it stinks. something they thought would hold through didn't. this was a little like the championship football game at my high school, between us and Oklahoma City Casady. well, they kind of killed us, and all of us loyal high school fans got pretty frustrated that we weren't playing well. the last thing you want is disrespect from the winners, so when they ended the game singing that "Na Na Na Hey Hey Good Bye" song, i was kind of mad. and i don't think i would have injured someone just to win, no matter how much glory would result. i maybe wrongly thought it suspicious that two Boise State players were injured on the same play in the last OU drive which ultimately won the game.
anyways, how about that new year? i hope all of you have a good year, a good '07. things were pretty bad that day, actually. but after about an hour of restless sleep and a phone call...things are looking up. God is...still God. and i am...well, i'm not sure i know. i am beginning to find out again who it is i am. i am God's, yes. i am being changed into that person. who that looks like? probably beyond my wildest imaginations.
went running. just about 4 miles, though i have determined a run to Riverside on 71st would be 9 and a half and want to try that sometime. school starts on wednesday and i need to do the summer reading for my new English elective, Creative Writing. it's a Stephen King memoir called On Writing and a book from a list which is, interestingly enough, the Gospels. get to skip friday to go to OKC for a Botball workshop and then it will be sunday again with mike preaching.
what i learned from running was not entirely relevant to what's going on now, but will be or would have been. a lot of the times, we think that the more we do, the better we are. so if you did pretty much everything all the time, without any kind of rest or restraint, then we would be more accomplished - we would be better people. somehow better. but that's not the case. yes, hard work has to occur, but it's not that the most hard work you do, the better you are. it's sorta how you ration that work. for running, you shouldn't be running 10 miles everyday if you're like me. you should only run 6 days a week at most and if i tried to run 10 miles a single day, i might be out for the rest of the week. things don't always have to be tough and hard just to get somewhere, and if they're only tough and hard, you'll get discouraged and blow out your legs.
i thought about truth. thought about how God loves us all the same, and He cares about our hearts more than our abilities and performances, and if He did, we'd all be in trouble because the water doesn't listen to us like it does to Him. i thought about how i should eliminate the words "better" and "more [adjective here]" from my vocabulary (excluding a couple of things) because there is no room for competition in the kingdom. and i thought about how significant it is to not think of yourself as the victim in everything and to forgive and forget. and to stop asking God for things that you want, but rather to ask God for what God would want you to have. pretty much.
ruth and friends got back from Urbana. i went to my friends house and we ate some really good queso that they made and watched the big USC-Michigan Rose Bowl football game. went to sleep at 5 this morning after a night of poker and Mario Tennis, so i think i will get to sleep after getting through as much of my summer reading as i can. God bless.
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