nights like this

nights like this make me feel like a failure. makes me feel like i have no one to talk to, that it would only be harsh words coming from the people who actually mean a lot to me, the people i so deeply wish would affirm me. nights like this make me feel like i can't be real with anybody. make me frustrated that i seem to still be, at the end of the day, just me. and yet, make me feel like i've forgotten who i really am. make me feel like i don't know what i'm living for, why i'm living like this. makes me feel like i could do something big with my life, but i'm still just a little boy, needing someone to guide him through this world, needing to be shown what i'm supposed to do with all these feelings and emotional turmoil and what to do when you're good at something and what to do when you don't know what to do. makes me feel like i haven't felt something with my whole heart for the longest time. makes me feel like the biggest loser, the biggest orphan. like someone alone in the dark, slowly beginning to be consumed by darkness, by the very things i hate, and yet am not smart or disciplined or whatever enough to ignore.

nights like this make me feel like there's nothing good about me, like things will never change, like i'm beyond help, beyond real change. makes me feel tired, like it'll be a miracle to get through the day. makes me feel like i'm living a lie, that i wish things were so different, but i can't, and they're not.