2009 - the year in review

a moment of nostalgia.. i received an email a week or two ago from a friend who pretty much did a year in review with pictures for his family. it was a great idea, and it reminded me how little i actually remembered the year. so here's my try:

January
the year started as most of my family was staying over for Ruth's wedding. i remember jojo and i were playing worship at a youth group lock-in when the new year hit and we later played Sardines. Ruth's wedding was on the 3rd, and it was a lot of fun to see everyone all in one place. the preparation and the day itself went by pretty fast and stressful on everyone... i was just driving around a lot and then was supposed to be in charge of a slideshow during the reception. then we were taking everything down from the church.

the next week, i was up in Norman/OKC with phong for daniel's wedding, which also involved a lot of driving, especially as the reception was in an art gallery about 20 or 30 minutes away in downtown OKC from the wedding hall. i really enjoyed the wedding, and served a minor role ushering. the rehearsal dinner was pretty memorable, as many were invited to give regards to daniel and amyie... it really turned into talking about God had spoken through them into the lives of others. it really was something special... i later did the sound for the reception

that next week, i was actually off to San Francisco for the EPIC West Coast conference. i was so stoked to be re-uniting with all of my friends from project that i had much trouble sleeping, even on the plane. there was even so much excitement that i couldn't remember which hotel the conference was at, and i ended up taking a shuttle to the wrong hotel. when we got there, i wish i could have had more energy. there were all of the friends i had lived with for a month, worship, speakers, outreach, and a 24-hour prayer room... i certainly didn't do everything i wish i could have. it was mostly surreal... i still remember going out to dinner with everyone, amazed and stunned i was with my friends from Texas and Hawaii and Indiana and New York again.

i came back to OU a day after classes started... i was taking Human Computer Interaction, Operating Systems, Principles of Programming Languages, the RA Training class, and Engineering Practice. it was the worst academic semester of my life

February
in february, the Asian American ministry we were trying to start at OU shifted from small groups into larger groups. the day i got back from San Francisco, we had our very first EPIC of the year, and i talked from Galatians 5 about how a Christian doesn't have to be good enough and how we are to be ourselves when we go to God, without putting on any kind of facades or masks. EPIC also took a trip to Dallas for the first ever Anthology (EPIC Central Coast) Conference. we took 6 people in one car and i think people actually really enjoyed it. i remember i had felt pretty burnt out at the time - and a bit of just thinking about things begins to burn me out. i wanted so desperately for people to be there and for people to be changed, maybe even too much. i saw tommy and hsiang-en from project and met a bunch of the Texas staff and it was immensely encouraging.

february was also the time that i started going out with suzi (it was the 18th, right after valentine's). i guess i was sending her a bunch of mixed signals and wasn't the best at initiating things, being worried that i would treat her like a god and that i wasn't ready to be in a relationship, though i knew how much i liked her. after going to Paradigm one thursday night (BSU large group) in which they talked about relationships, i felt like i had made my desires known to God and i felt as if He was allowing me to take the relationship and honor and glorify Him by it. and even then, it was so vague... i didn't exactly formally ask, and she didn't exactly formally say yes. but we were together.

March
the main thing i remember from March was spring break, which was spent in Mexico City around the same areas that we had been in during my first missions trip with TCCC. i went with a bunch of people from CRU and roomed with a guitarist named James Metelak, who is now one of my great friends. i have a great story about God providing for my funds, because, with pretty much a week to go before the trip, i was freaking out and had no money. i really didn't like the idea of asking people for money. i sent out emails though, and God really provided - in that week, God even provided more than enough. it was genuinely humbling and amazing.

we went to different college campuses, hoping to find people to help with the CRU movements trying to start on their campuses (this was about the same stage that EPIC at OU was at... we needed to stimulate interest, so it was cool being able to help others out in this area). my Spanish improved a lot, and we had some great stories. i sat with a girl from Arizona once at a lunch table with two guys and we eventually had a table of probably about 7 or 8 people all sitting and talking with us by the end. and we played basketball at the largest college campus in the hemisphere (UNAM - 300,000 students!) and were amazed at the relationships we were able to form throughout our games. it was definitely a great memory, and i recall a night where we took stairs to the top of the hotel and sang worship underneath the stars in a cold breeze. but i think the biggest thing was that i was not plugged into the Word during my time there, and that's one thing that i would change if i could do it over again

April
in the beginning of April, Jonathan came from UT to watch our CRU staff operate and help our EPIC continue to get going. he led one of our large group nights and talked to a whole bunch of students, both Christians and nonChristians in a challenging way. it was exciting as it seemed that God was truly working in the lives of those around us. still, admittedly... i felt like i was missing it. i felt like i should have been so excited, so driven in this time... but i wasn't when it was happening.

weeks later, we sent an EPIC group to the Big Event, which is OU's giant community service day where everyone goes out and does something small. we ended up going to a hospital in OKC to paint - and we did it with all of our friends. i only mention it here because it was tremendous fun, and we left that day covered with white paint (ricky in particular had some impressive facial hair and andrew had some sweet white tips).

May
Suzi threw me a surprise birthday party... i really didn't see any of it coming, but she made a Jello cake and her mom's famous cookies. a bunch of our friends were there and we watched a Steve Carrell spy movie.

finals went on as well, and i remember staying up late at Peter's to study for Human Computer Interaction. it really was a tough semester...

June
being back in Tulsa, we started a couple of Bible studies. we had one for our EPIC leadership because we hoped to continue going strong to hit the new school year off with a bang. we let everyone take turns leading, and people were encouraged to bring people from their youth groups, as we met at different locations before settling at Asbury's Venue 68. it was all right, but there were certain times when i was left asking why we were still doing this Bible study and what exactly we were trying to get out of it.

the other Bible study was one for the TCCC guys, which was actually pretty amazing. we pretty much just chose a night and people started prioritizing - it was pretty amazing. one night, i shared my testimony about how we tend to put on different masks or identities, and it was amazing how others really opened up to sharing their own lives. i guess that was a theme as so many of the guys gave their testimonies as well, and i felt pretty blessed to be able to have the Bible study - felt like the guys really even wanted to be there. Jojo led a bunch too, and we had some great heart-to-heart fellowship. hoping to do something again this winter break or next summer with 1 timothy.

July
was taking American History (civil war to present) and Psychology at TCC - but since i enrolled late, i was heading to a campus about 20 to 30 minutes away. first couple of trips, i used the time to pray, and it was actually pretty cool. 6 hours of school each day was rough, though. the classes weren't bad though, and i was glad to be doing something more productive/constructive with my time rather than just sitting around all day.

also, suzi had started a Bible study for her youth group girls, and they did a study over relationships in which they invited the guys to attend a couple of meetings and suzi invited me to co-lead. it was a ton of fun and i literally learned a bunch. even now, i look back at the notes we compiled over relationships and am amazed with what we came up with.

August
i did something really stupid in August and spent the best of a week or two desperately praying and pleading before heading back to OU.

moved back up to Norman for RA training, which was a position that God truly provided for. [i had said earlier in the summer that if i got the RA job, i would know it was God providing for me. more so, i got Safewalk RA, which has very different responsibilities from a floor RA] things at first were quite frightening, and i spent much of the first few days feeling so alienated and lost. training week was draining as we spent hours each day in classrooms going through lectures. we went through a mock sorrority rush and things were fine by the last day, when we played a big game of Capture the Flag with all of the other staffs. now, i'm glad at how close and comfortable i've been able to get with the rest of the RAs and i can say that i truly love and enjoy the staff that we have here

classes started (and just ended); i was taking Algorithm Analysis, Software Engineering I, Introduction to Asian Civilization and Culture, Technical Writing, Theory of Computation, and Statistical Analysis. i actually liked my classes more than i ever have before, and my teachers as well, but my grades might not have shown that. i slacked during certain parts of the semester. i also was offered a job as web developer for OU Student Media... but i really only stuck with it for a month or so before the load got to be too much

September
our youth group went to the Labor Day Retreat in Windermere, Missouri, and it was great, as always. i had the opportunity to play for the worship band again with chris and mike and lisa and jojo and richard, so it was great fun just to be there. i had the privilege of being a cabin leader of all of these guys who i actually absolutely love, who i had met from past Labor Day retreats. we would stay up too late and talk about real life things and the level of transparency in the room was simply astounding. it was all a whole bunch of fun.

additionally, had a great talk with Jojo one late night in an empty parking lot, and the very last night of worship was simply amazing, and getting to pray over people. if i could do it over again, i wouldn't have paid so much attention to the way things felt. i believe things get messed up with the ecstacy and the real change that should happen doesn't always come, when it certainly could.

this year, i was also a DLC mentor for incoming freshmen who had declared engineering majors, so i had a group of freshmen and had to plan activities for them. it was, at first, a little weird, but we actually formed some pretty cool relationships through the semester, though we didn't do that much. we talked about community service a lot towards the ending, and i really need to launch a website of their ideas like i told them i would develop.

also in september, i had my first interview with research and development for National Instruments, a pretty prestigious software company in Austin, TX. i bombed it. also at the big engineering career fair, i talked to a web development company in OKC and later interviewed with them. it was pretty good, and i hope to intern with them this summer and possibly further down the road.

October
not that much happened in october, but i had another interview with National Instruments, this time for a leadership program. i recently found out that i didn't get it. it's kind of a bummer.

the only other big thing that happened was OU's homecoming, in which i was privileged to take part in a dance competition with the Japanese/Hong Kong student associations. we practiced a bunch the week before and got a routine down. walked into the field house at OU for the very first time to music blaring and students cheering from two levels of bleachers, surrounding the stage. it was one of those moments where i realized that it wasn't that big of a deal if i messed up - i just wanted to remember the night and enjoy it. i can still look back at the video and note the many places where i messed up, but i remember the thrill and excitement of being on that stage.

we also won.

November
went to Ada (ECU) one weekend for a big programming competition, knowing that if we were to win the region, we would have an automatic bid to internationals in China. UT Austin ended up running away with it, and i think we were still in the top 10, but it was a very humbling experience being on the team with 2 other great programmers. i would watch them work and it would take me long moments before i could even figure out what they had done - even though they had spit out the code almost entirely on the spot.

i realized that i would probably never code as well in my whole life as our top programmer did that day, or really any day. it only reinforced that i could never make programming my life, because i would never even be near the top. if that was to be my everything, it would be a sad existence. i'm probably not going to be the one pushing the edges of technology, making groundbreaking discoveries or innovations or anything.

that night, i roomed and talked with a guy who had been on a high school robotics team that won a national competition. we talked about religion at length, bouncing our beliefs off one another, and he told me that he realized that it wasn't because he was any smarter than anybody else. he said he was just a lucky kid in the right place at the right time. that's something i will never forget.

got the chance to go back to Tulsa for Thanksgiving break - Sherri's Thanksgiving party was a blast, as always. we packed her house with a whole bunch of people and played massive games of Catchphrase and Mafia. it was a ton of fun, one of those nights that you hope will never end. and Lydia got Mafia twice and tricked me. it was terrible..

November also signified the end of EPIC. not a lot of people know about this, but i'll share it here. we had four leaders and all of us were pretty much walking in sin. for the most part, we either knew what we were doing was wrong or our understandings were not based on Biblical truths - either way, we weren't actively confronting our sin. rightly so, our ministry sucked. turns out we developed a reputation for being hypocrites (along with general judgment passed along to Christians) and it seemed that we were hurting the name of Christ more than representing it well as was the whole goal (bringing glory to His name). so we pretty much shut it down.

it was a particularly tough weekend and i kinda just felt like quitting. not sure if we're going to try again in the future, but chances are we probably will. or we will keep doing ministry, we just won't call it EPIC. but let us confront our sin head on and allow God to reign sovereign in those areas. admit the mistake, repent, and move on.

December
all i really remember is finals and studying pretty intensely for the Asian Civilization and Culture final. and, as of less than an hour, i'm back home in Tulsa. got about a week before heading over to St. Louis with Billy to go to Urbana, and we'll be there until the new year.

the gym

first post in a while that's more than just a rant or an update - guess i've been able to do a bit more thinking lately. i kind of feel like Thanksgiving break allowed me to regain a bit more momentum, in terms of getting priorities in order.

i don't usually run at the Huff (the gym at OU), just because when i run, i want to be able to go somewhere instead of going in circles and i want to just be able to think, zone out, not care about what i look like and not care about anybody else looking at me. years ago, running had the appeal in that it was my escape or getaway, and i could just kind of be by myself - solitude.

it got to the point that running in the Huff (or really any gym) was such a turn off that i vowed not to run indoors for my entire sophomore year. i tended to run harder and faster than i normally would when i ran at the Huff, and i was conscious that i usually ended up with judgmental thoughts the whole time (like "i'm so much faster..." junk). recently though, with cold weather, i've found myself logging more miles in the Huff.

i realize that the gym isn't for people who want to show off - that is really missing the point. but it seems that many people, including me, frequently use the gym to show off. (i know people get mad when others go up to the track and sprint laps, as if trying to make a statement or proclamation of speed to everyone else.) a gym, rather, is for people to work out. in other words, it's for work. it's not to show off what you've done - that is ridiculous, absurd. rather, it's to get in better shape, no matter what kind of shape you are in.

in the same way, a school isn't for people just to sit around and brag about how much they know. it's for learning. and a hospital isn't for healthy people to brag about how healthy they are - it's for the sick or injured who want and need to get better. and if these are true, then a church probably isn't for some kind of elite group to meet and shove their spirituality down the throats of others. a church is just like a gym or a hospital or a school - it's not for people to meet and show off, but for people who are looking to get better. just like how Jesus said that He didn't come for the healthy and rich, but for the sick and poor.

[if you ask, "what about the pastor?" i would respond that the pastor can't and shouldn't put himself on a pedestal. rather, he has been given a spiritual gift (of teaching) and offers that gift to others, but can't say that he's more important or more right, just like the hand can't say it doesn't need the foot in the body.]

[if church were simply a place for religious heavyweights to meet and brag about their works or morality, then i wouldn't want a piece of it. and if heaven were simply a place for those who were good enough to meet and bask in their good-enough-ness, i wouldn't want to be there as much as i wouldn't want to be at a hospital where people are just trying to show how healthy and fit they are.]

and i think this is what is hard to grasp, because churches are all too commonly filled with braggarts. but the truth is: God's people are weak. Deuteronomy explicitly states that the people of God were not chosen because they were greater than other nations - it wasn't that they were bigger or richer or in anyway better than all the other nations - it was because they were in fact lesser. it says this very explicitly, and this same idea is later re-emphasized in 1 Corinthians 1 when Paul says God very specifically chooses and uses the poor and foolish to bring down the strong and wise. and part of the reason (but not all of the reason) He does this is so that no one will have the right to brag (this is also Romans 3:27).

but then why is there still bragging? or why do we live in such a way that we seem to be bragging?

i realized on Sunday that i was a bit mad, because i felt like a lot of people were judging me, thinking that i was saying things that i wasn't saying. i even felt this way about other Christians. but looking at Matthew 5's beattitudes, the last one says that one is blessed when one is persecuted and reviled and people say false things about that one for Jesus' sake. verses later, it is revealed that we are to be the light of the world and that a city on a hill cannot be hidden - so we are to continue to show our good works to all and not to hide them from the public eye. Matthew 6 then opens that we should do nothing to be seen by men, but that we should meet God on such a personal level that it can be considered a "secret place."

some things come from this - since i feel judged, one thing i also feel like doing is to show by my works that i am actually not so bad and not so much of a jerk as the title of Christian seems to carry. i feel like doing as much as i can in the public eye so that people realize that i am actually a great guy. but Matthew 6 stops me short, building on what Jesus said before. i am blessed when people judge me and say false things about me for His sake. and i am to continue to be seen by man so that they might see my works and end up praising God. but i am also not to be driven by the idea of being seen by men (just like a gym or school or hospital isn't for showing off). i am to continue to work, but i am to do everything for God alone, and i am not to work to try to change the minds of others.