apologies

i make tons of mistakes. on a daily basis. i used to dwell on mistakes for hours, even days, wishing i could take back something stupid i said or something hurtful i did to someone. every now and then, i will do something particularly wrong or particularly disrespectful, and it becomes crippling.

i know i'm forgiven, by God and usually by the people i hurt, but the truth is... it's hard to feel right. the entire basis of forgiveness is grace. and the entire nature of grace is that it's undeserved. i wronged someone, hurt and harmed them - and sometimes my victims will leave me, and sometimes they come back for more and draw close, as if they see me, know me. as if they're letting themselves be vulnerable again.

on a slightly different note, i know many people who struggled with the fear of hurting people, afraid that each action would hurt someone somewhere. and it became slightly clear that some people will be hurt because of expectations that aren't realistic, and sometimes that's not your fault. if someone gets mad at you for not being a world-class golfer, it's not exactly your fault. if someone puts so much pressure on you to get to med school and you don't make it or don't want to make it, you might have failed that person, but you didn't fail yourself - those weren't your dreams or aspirations, they were someone else's - and honestly, you live your own life.

not to shrug off some of the responsibility and mistakes i've made. there may or may not have been realistic expectations, but i know that i didn't respond as i should have. i made promises and commitments i didn't keep, acted selfishly, ignorantly, lazily. i'm far from blameless. anyone who has known me for a while or has gotten very close to me knows my inconsistencies, that there's no shortage of mistakes and faults that i've made.

and feeling shame in all of these failures and disabilities was the way i lived for most of my life. now that i've begun to walk more with Christ, it's not exactly the same feeling of shame that i feel anymore. actually, i'm a bit more masked to my shortcomings, a little bit more deceived of my own weaknesses. [billy journalled that everyone is broken; the difference about Christians is that they're so open about it, so ready to confess it or even brag about it. a downfall of the church is some who send a vibe that they have everything down because they believe all of the right things... i think that's hardly the case]

maybe there's a reason we should take joy - not in our supposed competence, but in what God has done for us, in the hope we have in Him. it's not like we're not still stubborn sheep - we simply have a shepherd. or it's not like we're not all too commonly prodigal sons - it's just that we have a Father who loves us, tolerates and trusts us, treats us like we're faithful and deserving sons when we're not.

if you're constantly being reminded of how undeserving you are, it becomes easy to feel shame.