why is God important to me?

why is God important to me? and is He as important as He should be?

why do i worship God? is this reasonable to expect from God? is it too much, or too little?

what drives me? what makes me come alive? what do i turn to when everything seems to fail, when i need to let go of stress? what causes me to rejoice? what makes my day, and what ruins my day?

what do i want to be remembered for? what do i want to be associated with?

i guess i ask these questions because it's where our heart is, and i think it really forces us to try to search into God and who He really is. we say that He is loving and caring, that He is the truth, the way, and the life, that He is the great giver and He is sometimes like a King, and sometimes like a Father or a Best Friend. He is perfect and omnipotent (nothing is too difficult for Him) and He is omnipresent and He is not affected by time. He is a Creator of everything, including us, and He is the One who makes people come to life and lay down to death. He's the One who judges us in the end, He's the One who gave everything for us, He's the One who treated us like we were hidden treasures in a field.

and He is worthy. and merciful, completely truth and yet completely gracious.

and yet - do i treat Him like God? or do i exalt myself? do i stand against Him and what He desires for me? or am i all about Him - and completely insistent upon Him having His way and His will even at my own expense and discomfort.

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i don't think that we are meant to be perfect here on earth. what i mean is this - i think that as long as we are here on earth, we won't hit a point where everything around us is completely good and we never have any worries or concerns again. i don't think we ever hit a point where we can have the right to be complacent or lazy (not to say we can't rest).

i think this idea might be supported by Scripture when it says to be of a contrite spirit and a broken heart, because we are not masked by temporarily awesome circumstances. i think that we will still receive the desires of our hearts, and we can take joy in all things, but we will continue to face adversity and challenge and tension as long as we are here.

why else would Paul compare it to dying each day, to having one's own body crucified? is there not some price that must be paid, some suffering that must occur (even for our own chastening)?

and why else would Jesus say that we are being sent out like lambs among wolves, to be devoured? and why else would He say that we are blessed when we suffer persecution for His name, that we could possibly be counted worthy of suffering for His name?

we live like heaven is here. but what we really wait for is heaven itself, and that glory and rest will be completely unparalleled.

sympathy

i planned it all out. i was going to come here and complain all about my day, about running around all day and working hard and being cheated out of some inalienable right that i deserved, but had been denied. truth is, all i really wanted for people to read this and feel bad for me, to have their sympathies. i just wanted your attention, to exalt myself like i'm better than you.

but that's kind of stupid. and though i feel kind of disappointed or discouraged, i think that coming here and complaining about everything would only make things worse. Paul was known to boast in his weakness, but not that more and more people would see him and give him sympathy. he boasted in his weakness because it was there that he was most useful to God and it was there that he came the most alive. it wasn't that he was a masochist, or even that he had low self esteem and thought that he was always messing up - it was just that he realized that less of him meant more of God.

Paul didn't need people's respect. he certainly didn't need competence, and he wasn't a trained speaker, but he approached people afraid, not knowing what to say, and yet spoke with chilling conviction. considering where he came from, what he became was a simple testament to God's transformation...and to nothing else, especially not himself.

so instead of coming here and boasting in weakness, hoping to win the sympathies of you, i want to do something different.

man, the breeze tonight was incredible. and i got to go play basketball tonight, the first time for a week or two (feels like forever). i have a lot to be thankful. i started a programming job tonight that's super flexible, talked to my sister for a little. been in a lot of cool positions - led my first engineering mentor section today. i have lots of friends who really watch out for me and even push me towards Christ.

You, God...are still loving me through all of this. i can ask of You and receive though i'm disqualified, though i will never be good enough, and You keep responding in love despite my shortcomings and flaws and failures. i will never have to be good enough.. i don't have to worry about finding Him through the law, but i can find Him simply because He has promised Himself to me. i can come to Him on a daily basis - even on a personal level. i can come to Him in all of my pain and stress and even my frustration; i can be real about my doubts and fears and questions and don't have to hide or pretend.

You have never dealt with me in an unloving way. even in Your rebuke and chastening, You are love. there isn't anything You don't know...i won't be deceived, there's nothing hidden from You. that is my joy. You know how i feel, the things i go through, the things i struggle with, and You understand instead of condemning. i don't have to hide when i'm with You. i don't have to be good enough. i don't have to worry about being weird or socially inferior or being so immature that You won't want to put up with me. i don't have to worry about being burdensome, about being too dependent. i don't have to worry about ruining things in an irreparable way. i don't have to worry about things like grades or money or even relationships because God will make sure that everything i need, i have. and that which i don't need... i'll have that sometimes too. i'm glad that God has given joy and life as His fruit. i'm glad He's about peace and about comforting and being like a shelter or refuge during the storm, and that He tells us that we can do impossible things like moving mountains just by believing in Him.

i love that He says that all we have to do is ask in His name, and whatever we ask, we will receive. i love that God is so much bigger than time, so much bigger than my own thoughts or even comprehension, that i cannot fully wrap my mind around Him (what kind of god would that be?). i love that He has taken care of me, and that He is the One who truly sees me and validates me. He's the One before anyone else who singled me out and loved on me, and it's not like i didn't go through tough times like everyone else - but it's that He still pulled me out over them and let me taste life when everything felt like death.

and i love that in my weakness, He is strong. i love that He is making me into a different man, that He is growing me. i love that He is progressing me towards Himself, that He is my own personal Father, who i will never get bored of. i love that He's truth and mercy...and as tough as it is to forgive and not be bitter and be loving towards all and to serve and not be served... i love that it's worth it. i love that running the race yields something beautiful in the end. and i love that this is not a story about me. everything keeps going on without me - i'm not even necessary. good...keep me out of this for a while. God, just let me rest in You. let me get some rest, please.