nostalgia and futuralgia

been a while since my last post. got through finals week with only a couple scars (well, mentally, anyways) and now i'm back in tulsa for the summer, looking at working with my church youth group, a waitering job at an Italian restaurant (hopefully), and maybe a psychology class at TCC. hoping to change for the better in terms of God - things have certainly seemed a little unstable lately.

over finals week, things got a bit better and a bit worse...i felt the proximity of God, but i felt distance from Suzi. i have a tendency of isolating myself to get to God...i guess that's the only way i really know how to do it. sometimes i simply don't think things through all the way, and i kind of make decisions preemptively based on ignorant observations and motivations. anyways, things kinda exploded and then got better, so that by our very last night, when all of our friends were throwing a party, i stood with Suzi in the rain as she told me how much she wanted to break up to me - and how, for some reason, she didn't. we went inside and took pictures and watched a movie slideshow of a whole year of memories - how we met each other and some of the crazy times that we shared together.

peter drove me back to his place and i remarked how spoiled i am, that God was simply giving me everything i asked for, and then some. peter agreed that i was spoiled, but not spoiled rotten. let me never forget.. the gift is of Him

i guess one thing that i've been thinking about/realizing/reiterating is that i don't have to be anywhere for God to use me. it's absurd to think that i must go somewhere to experience God in a life changing way. while i really hope that peter la is able to go on summer project, i don't think i'll be there. i can finally say that i've prayed about it, but i probably can't say that i've prayed hard about it, because i don't really feel like there's resolution. so i think i'll be here. in fact, after a year of working with Epic at OU, it only seems natural that i should come back home and do the same thing, and it seems strange that i am not plugged in to the Asian American community here in Tulsa. i was wondering - how many people can i share the gospel with this summer? 10? it seems like such a large number at times, and like nothing at other times.

another thing that's been on my mind has been honor and what it means to be able to honor someone. 1 thessalonians says that the will of God is that we should be able to possess our own bodies with sanctity and honor. i want to have given my all and done something, so that when people look at me, they can look at my parents or my girlfriend or especially my God and consider that i must be the way i am because of the way my mom or dad raised me or the beauty of my girlfriend or the love and inspiration of my God. i believe i started catching glimpses of this lifestyle when i entered into a test being able to pray that my grade didn't mean anything, but i wanted to do my best for my God - to bring Him glory and to try my hardest for Him, because He had blessed me to be in that position.

it seems that, for much of the second semester, i had forgotten who i am. an illustration that i was able to share at our last EPIC meeting was how God is like a Father who loves His children - no matter what they do or who they are - no matter how they might fall or screw up. God loves us simply because we are His - we are His children, and no one else's. and though i was able to say that, it didn't find that much application in my life. i was still stressed about my GPA, my future, whether i would be deemed useful to God, or worthy to be used. i spent a great deal of the second semester slacking and a greater deal of that time worrying about what would happen as a consequence. neither my confidence nor my value were securely wrapped up in God.

being back in Tulsa, i am not sure what i have been learning. it seems like God is trying to show me how much work my mom does and how much more i still have to grow to even just be able to help her out instead of making excuses, which i have been doing for a couple of days now. i think He is trying to show me how to reach out in the mundane, in my comfort zone, and to stir up things and take steps of faith. i think He's showing me that He's working in the midst of everything, even though the circumstances might not seem conducive to a lot of spiritual growth. He's showing that He's God and He's holding onto His children and that He has put His Spirit in us so that we cry out for Him, and it is obvious to me even as a spectator in the lives of various guys in my youth group.

i still have some work to do and my room is officially a pit, so i guess i'm gonna get on that, but... here are some prayer requests:

-to pray perpetually - have a praying heart
-to listen! i clearly don't do this enough
-to be humbled and not quick to talk
-to be able to help out my mom with everything, and to have a heart for growth and even criticism/rebuke
-Epic, church youth group Bible studies, trying to reach out to 10 people this summer
-godly relationships, especially with Suzi (especially patience)
-brotherly love, passion! fire! haha...and longsuffering.
-that this summer would be something special, and that i would be changed radically in every way, torn down and built up

here i am; here's my life

strange - it's only 10:48 pm. i sit and type in a dark room, lightened only by the haze from this computer screen, a red 10:48 looking down on me, streetlights peeking through the window. the International House of Prayer (IHOP) prayer room buzzes through my headphones, my girlfriend asleep above me, officially sick as of this morning.

i went downstairs to get some water and saw some of my friends - Grace, Ricky, Steven. it's been so long since i've really just hung out with them. i really miss it.

Ricky told me he was thinking about reading a book called 90 Minutes in Heaven. i'm a bit excited - i wonder what he'll think.

sometimes i feel a bit like a hypocrite, a bit like a pretender. i am starting to put on masks again.

sometimes, when i talk to people, i try to explain what God did for me - that He made it so that i could just be myself, that i didn't have to put on any kind of mask or face or facade. i could just be myself, as flawed and weak and broken as i may be. and the freedom that i try to let others see, i find that i often forget.

i go from one mode to another. in the mornings, i can read my Bible and pray and act spiritual. at night, i am another person when i am with Suzi. i believe i am supposed to bring out the best in her as her boyfriend, or at least help her towards that. i shouldn't be a stumbling block - i shouldn't stand in her way and hinder her growth.

life is worth living.

you know what is strange? the apostles that followed Jesus could rejoice in anything - they even rejoiced whenever they were beaten up and thrown into jail - they had genuine joy and happiness over their sufferings. now, our generation faces probably the highest rates of suicide and depression ever, not being able to find something worth living for, nothing that can make them happy no matter what they had. and the apostles had nothing and were content regardless of it all.

but life is worth living.

Lord, make my heart soft. You see the desires of my heart, the cry of my heart, the tears that can't push themselves out of my eyes. You know my fragility, my frailty, the weakness i try so desperately to cover, that no one may see it. but You have seen, and You have loved me still. Lord, i want to touch You. You are what makes life worth living.