things lately (a Christmas post)

hey guys. hope you're having a merry Christmas. a semi-random post to keep you guys updated on things going on. my sister is getting married in a week; the next week, some Church friends who helped me grow a lot last year are getting married; then, San Francisco for the Epic West Coast Conference, and back to school after missing a day of classes, getting back right in time for some CRU.

lately, i've been able to keep up running, despite the cold. i've been out three days straight, feeling good, and today, i managed to go strong for a little more than an hour. there's also been a lot of grace to be able to pray as i run and kind of be stilled, to get away and be sober. i'm not sure what's been going on exactly, but i have been able to be a bit more centered around God lately. today, i don't feel so good, but...it's still happening. just being able to pray and do quiet times and be grounded and have that deeper consciousness. i read a little devotional like thing a couple of days ago that asked the reader to examine one's motives for doing so.

i guess i realized some unhealthy and questionable things going on and have actually been sorta able to go back to the core of my faith. asking myself more and more, "how can i serve God in this action?" and knowing that i am not living for myself, but asking "how can i glorify God - and glorify Him in a way that i am not seen?" there's a song we used to sing in church like three or four years ago about surrendering and one of the verses mentions something about wanting to serve God in secret and not to be noticed at all. i still don't think i can sing that in my heart. there are a lot of motives that get in the way.

i also heard a sermon from a guy Francis Chan (http://www.cornerstonesimi.com/getasermon) talking about how we won't be married forever. it was the first time i had really heard anything like this. it got me thinking again about how we will appear before God with everything stripped away - strip away the friends and the possessions and the accomplishments and music and hype and even a spouse - and you're left with just your heart, and i want to be able to say that i am passionate for Him, that i didn't go after anything but Him, that i didn't trade away my inheritance for a bowl of soup or for something that gets stripped away.

man. i don't really know what to say. sometimes i just feel so lonely. two of my mom's sisters flew in today. more tomorrow. they're fun to be around, because they can find anything to laugh about together. but my mind wasn't really in the right spot. even now, my heart feels like it's about to explode. goes back to unhealthy motivations. i want to be in a hotel in San Francisco, laughing with Andrew and everyone again. i am pretty glad it's break though. i don't think i could go through a day of school. next semester might be bad or really easy, whether i stick with 15 or hours or push 18. [i wanted to log in 3 formal hours of prayer a week in college when i wrote myself a letter over the summer, and i don't think i've even gotten a single hour for a single week.]

also, i'm looking for an excuse for Epic at OU to go around for some length of time speechless, with tape over our mouths. i really want to do this, and part of it just has to do with not talking. i think it'll make a difference, help us to listen, help us to be still. i think i've seen demonstrations like that against rape and abortion, but i honestly don't feel like getting Epic to back that up. maybe something about religious tension and saying that everyone has a voice that deserves to be heard. if you have any ideas for causes, please comment them. i don't know what we could get behind, but i would really love an excuse to get a group together and go around for a while with tape on our mouths.

maybe we could get t-shirts that say "have you heard your heart today?" and something like "OU EPIC" and a verse on the back, and then just have a strip of duct tape on our mouths. you know what would be gutsy? "have you heard God today?" that would be so unbelievably gutsy.

maybe i'll muster the energy and go read a book or something :) there's a pretty cool band called Ruth, whose first cd was titled "Secondhand Dreaming." nothing like a little dreaming to feel a little better. or some food. maybe i'll go eat something too and sit down to a little literature.

hope everyone's doing all right. today is a good day.