hey guys. doesn't seem like i've written for a while. today was my last day of school, and i'm a bit glad that it's over. it did provide me with structure - i managed to get used to waking up at 8 in the morning and spending time with God before class started at 9:30. when i first found a prayer room in Asbury's Venue 68, the first couple days, i would go there before classes started and returned once i got out. that's also where we began to do most of our Bible studies. and there were lots of studies. Tuesday night guys group, Wednesday night EPIC group, and it was my privilege to get to co-lead with Suzi for her small group for the past two Thursdays.
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who i am today
i wrote that recap a couple of days ago. in two weeks, i'm leaving back for OU for some job training. looking forward to the Labor Day Retreat in Missouri maybe the second weekend of school, and definitely know that things will be a bit intense trying to keep EPIC going with momentum. hoping to meet a lot of new people and grab a lot of lunches (though also to stay on top of my classes...and in relationship with God)
these past couple of days, i've really just been struggling with thoughts. i'm not sure what exactly it is, but it seems like my momentum has been shot down, and some of me is just burnt out and tired, but it's not so much that i'm physically tired. i haven't had much energy or patience with my church lately...it's just kind of that i honestly don't want to be there. it's like i'm not getting fed there. still, at the same time, i don't think i'm really in the position to judge the church. if i'm not happy with it, am i not to step up and do something about it? rather than sit back and criticize. or just change my attitude. where truth is spoken, growth is potential. it just kinda depends on whether the subject is desiring growth.
about a week or two ago, i started reading Wild at Heart for maybe the fourth or fifth time. i've gotten through the first three chapters - or even just the first chapter - for the very first time. i guess it's just a hard book to read. it's even harder to try to watch the supplementary DVDs, because it's always gotten me thinking that John Eldredge thinks that what makes a man a real man is love for the outdoors and farming and knowing how to fix cars and get women to like you, like men have to be adept in fishing and camping and hunting. i realize that Eldredge really isn't saying these things at all, just that men, by heart, enjoy adventure and like a certain level of danger and risk, flexibility and spontaneity in their lives. we aspire for the challenge to overcome, to be the guy who comes through for the girl of their dreams.
i guess i'm writing this post in part because i was driving home from suzi's house wondering what i want. what i want out of life, what i want right now. what i am essentially living for. and the thing is, i had been helping suzi lead twice about relationships, and i kept on trying to echo and live out Paul's commands in 1 corinthians 7 (v 27) about how single men shouldn't look for wives. and how we should be completely content in our singleness - that we shouldn't even realize that we're missing anything until God addresses a need and then meets it, as God did with Adam. and it's like i'm not ready to be in a relationship - there's still so much emotional garbage that i need to take care of that i really don't deal with at all. there's still so much that has yet to be done, that may even just take time, before i should tell a woman that i will be all about her and provide for her and be reckless and fearless for her sake.
it's just hard.
in a world of instant gratification and fleshly desires going haywire, demanding satisfaction - it's hard to make it through a single day. God never said it would be easy, right? well, He still provides the ways out, and so there's no excuse. one important thing in marriage, i think, is to be able to say that you had your parents' blessing to get married. a bigger thing is to be able to say that you had God's blessing to get married. and i hope God would bless my marriage when it comes.
my Bible reading/quiet times have suffered drastically from the initial discovery of the prayer room in Venue 68. i stumbled into Leviticus and got some excitement, but i just feel a little at odds with God right now. i really haven't been praying that much lately, and i just don't really want to go to church on Sundays anymore. my prayers kinda feel like they just hit the ceiling and come down.
what do i desire?
i know the right answer, but i don't know if it really is so true in me right now.
two more weeks to go, and i have no idea what i'm going to make of it. getting into HTML/JavaScript/CSS like i've never done before to put together the EPIC website (i developed one in Flash, but i don't think i'm gonna stick with it). final Bible studies for TCCC guys group and EPIC seem to have a lot of potential, and then some big basketball nights on Thursday and Friday (we just found out about a Korean church where they play basketball on Friday nights)
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
turn me, o God.
a softness grazes my heart, sweeping across my body. a cold, gentle air surrounds me. worship fills the background as i sit on my couch, the room lit by a single lamp and the haze of the laptop.
God, lift high! hallelujah, You're mine. You are mine.
for the first time in weeks or months, my relationship with Suzi is what it should be. it used to be such a big deal to be able to find God in the mundane for me. today was like that. i think i spent about 3 hours today in a prayer room. i woke up before classes and prayed. i went back after classes and spent time in 1 corinthians.
Suzi and i broke up.
i felt like there was so much weight lifted off of me. it was like all obligation was lifted off of me. worries of being good enough, of whether things were right consumed me, though i can certainly only say that in retrospect. i felt free, finally free.
and still, i kinda struggle. today was a good day, but i feel that on a bad day, i will begin to start questioning, worrying, freaking out about my identity, feeling as if i needed Suzi. and so i hope i don't seek quick satisfaction, the false security of being in a relationship, of being held or whatever. i hope i don't fall to temptation, but that i can present my body like a present to God, something that i could be proud of, something that would say with more than just words that "i love You."
so i hope today will be a turning point. i hope i won't resist the Lord in everything that i do. i hope i won't deny the person that i've become, but i would still turn from those ways, those insecurities, and allow myself to be both affirmed and changed in the Lord. i could really use some confidence. and if there's anything to be confident in, it is the Lord.
i guess this is why the post is called 'turn me, o God.' because i just pray today would be a turning point. Sunday, i walked out of church in the middle of the worship set (i was actually up playing rhythm guitar) because i just couldn't take it. i wasn't sure what was going on, and i felt like i hated who i had become, like i was so bound, so burdened, so obligated, that the very reason of being in relationship had been distorted, forgotten.
i pray i wouldn't be naive or ignorant or stupid about things, but that i could really have a heart for You, God. that i wouldn't require anything of You, that i would follow unconditionally, with my everything. that i wouldn't use You for myself, and that i would really commit to following Your plan, for not seeking a wife, for not filling up desires for affirmation with a girl, for not filling up desires for intimacy with dishonoring touch.
God, please reverse what i've done. i don't want to have caused hurt, for the impurities that i caused to be held against her. God...it's just that i know You make clean again. You make pure again. i know i screw up, still, even when i don't realize it. and i was fully conscious of when i was screwing up. i guess all i can really say right now is that i want to turn from my ways. i want to run back to You, Father, to be wrapped up in Your arms forever, that i wouldn't so easily become calloused and hardened to leave Your side, to forsake Your name, to stab You in the back.
i pray - You've made things all right. You make everything glorious, You make everything new. i'm just as much in need of You today as i was the day i was born, as i was the day i first believed. i need You anew, with my all. and that's it. that's all i need. You'll take care of me, i know You will. don't relent, i pray. just be who You are. i'm going to respond, to run with reckless abandonment again, with foolish faith, with childlike love. restore to me patience, humility, wisdom. restore to me Your presence, energy, life. for Your glory and no one else's, for there is no other God but You, and none save, but You. all others steal, kill, and destroy and deal treacherously with our sufferings and exacerbate our sins. but You set us in the right with You. You pursue us with a valiant fury, and it is our pleasure to be the objects of Your delight, Your love, Your holy and divine romance.
---
2 classes at TCC. RA job in the fall means i won't be living in the Christ on Campus house, but will be making money at least - i do feel as though it is God's provision, being able to have the job. praise God - i may be completely covered for the next year of school. EPIC still looking up. TCCC guys group has been simply amazing for the past two weeks, and i'm leading tomorrow night - i pray that it will be something extraordinary, but if God does not give me words, i have nothing to offer. if God does not stir us up and be the center of our attention, we will only have what man has to offer. i don't want to settle for anything less than Him.
two more weeks of TCC, four weeks until i'm back at OU for orientation and moving freshmen in. once school starts, things will again be a blur. being in school right now, though, i can see as a huge blessing. i actually kind of enjoy it, and i enjoy the opportunity so much more than not really having any direction for my day.
how can i be praying for you? comment it and i will.
here're my prayer requests - not to fall into temptation, but to run with a renewed passion and conviction. to respond to God's vulnerable pursuit, and to return in vulnerability, to learn His faithfulness and love, to be convicted of purity and want to give myself blameless and spotless to Him. not to seek a wife.
on a final note - psalm 34.
thanks for reading
God, lift high! hallelujah, You're mine. You are mine.
for the first time in weeks or months, my relationship with Suzi is what it should be. it used to be such a big deal to be able to find God in the mundane for me. today was like that. i think i spent about 3 hours today in a prayer room. i woke up before classes and prayed. i went back after classes and spent time in 1 corinthians.
Suzi and i broke up.
i felt like there was so much weight lifted off of me. it was like all obligation was lifted off of me. worries of being good enough, of whether things were right consumed me, though i can certainly only say that in retrospect. i felt free, finally free.
and still, i kinda struggle. today was a good day, but i feel that on a bad day, i will begin to start questioning, worrying, freaking out about my identity, feeling as if i needed Suzi. and so i hope i don't seek quick satisfaction, the false security of being in a relationship, of being held or whatever. i hope i don't fall to temptation, but that i can present my body like a present to God, something that i could be proud of, something that would say with more than just words that "i love You."
so i hope today will be a turning point. i hope i won't resist the Lord in everything that i do. i hope i won't deny the person that i've become, but i would still turn from those ways, those insecurities, and allow myself to be both affirmed and changed in the Lord. i could really use some confidence. and if there's anything to be confident in, it is the Lord.
i guess this is why the post is called 'turn me, o God.' because i just pray today would be a turning point. Sunday, i walked out of church in the middle of the worship set (i was actually up playing rhythm guitar) because i just couldn't take it. i wasn't sure what was going on, and i felt like i hated who i had become, like i was so bound, so burdened, so obligated, that the very reason of being in relationship had been distorted, forgotten.
i pray i wouldn't be naive or ignorant or stupid about things, but that i could really have a heart for You, God. that i wouldn't require anything of You, that i would follow unconditionally, with my everything. that i wouldn't use You for myself, and that i would really commit to following Your plan, for not seeking a wife, for not filling up desires for affirmation with a girl, for not filling up desires for intimacy with dishonoring touch.
God, please reverse what i've done. i don't want to have caused hurt, for the impurities that i caused to be held against her. God...it's just that i know You make clean again. You make pure again. i know i screw up, still, even when i don't realize it. and i was fully conscious of when i was screwing up. i guess all i can really say right now is that i want to turn from my ways. i want to run back to You, Father, to be wrapped up in Your arms forever, that i wouldn't so easily become calloused and hardened to leave Your side, to forsake Your name, to stab You in the back.
i pray - You've made things all right. You make everything glorious, You make everything new. i'm just as much in need of You today as i was the day i was born, as i was the day i first believed. i need You anew, with my all. and that's it. that's all i need. You'll take care of me, i know You will. don't relent, i pray. just be who You are. i'm going to respond, to run with reckless abandonment again, with foolish faith, with childlike love. restore to me patience, humility, wisdom. restore to me Your presence, energy, life. for Your glory and no one else's, for there is no other God but You, and none save, but You. all others steal, kill, and destroy and deal treacherously with our sufferings and exacerbate our sins. but You set us in the right with You. You pursue us with a valiant fury, and it is our pleasure to be the objects of Your delight, Your love, Your holy and divine romance.
---
2 classes at TCC. RA job in the fall means i won't be living in the Christ on Campus house, but will be making money at least - i do feel as though it is God's provision, being able to have the job. praise God - i may be completely covered for the next year of school. EPIC still looking up. TCCC guys group has been simply amazing for the past two weeks, and i'm leading tomorrow night - i pray that it will be something extraordinary, but if God does not give me words, i have nothing to offer. if God does not stir us up and be the center of our attention, we will only have what man has to offer. i don't want to settle for anything less than Him.
two more weeks of TCC, four weeks until i'm back at OU for orientation and moving freshmen in. once school starts, things will again be a blur. being in school right now, though, i can see as a huge blessing. i actually kind of enjoy it, and i enjoy the opportunity so much more than not really having any direction for my day.
how can i be praying for you? comment it and i will.
here're my prayer requests - not to fall into temptation, but to run with a renewed passion and conviction. to respond to God's vulnerable pursuit, and to return in vulnerability, to learn His faithfulness and love, to be convicted of purity and want to give myself blameless and spotless to Him. not to seek a wife.
on a final note - psalm 34.
thanks for reading
Friday, July 10, 2009
untitled
knowing that i'm writing to an audience, no matter how big, has a different effect on me every time i pick up my laptop. the weird thing is, i just feel like crying right now. i feel so close to tears.
i don't know if it's weakness. there have been themes of my Christian life - pursuing humility, integrity, vulnerability. at certain points, i hit each of them (and seemed to kind of fall away afterwards). but i hope i still have vulnerability.
part of it is fatigue, but i can't spit out anything elaborate or eloquent right now, in terms of writing. one would think i should hold to a particular standard of quality, but i just can't right now.
i guess i just feel lonely. i seek consolation. when i was with suzi, i remember holding her hand close to my heart to feel the beat, hoping that she could be able to see me, to figure me out by diffusion. to be close enough for long enough that she would just get me. finish my sentences, dissect my thoughts, empathize with my pains, know the right words to say.
a malicious word right now would just cut my heart.
i don't know if it's weakness. there have been themes of my Christian life - pursuing humility, integrity, vulnerability. at certain points, i hit each of them (and seemed to kind of fall away afterwards). but i hope i still have vulnerability.
part of it is fatigue, but i can't spit out anything elaborate or eloquent right now, in terms of writing. one would think i should hold to a particular standard of quality, but i just can't right now.
i guess i just feel lonely. i seek consolation. when i was with suzi, i remember holding her hand close to my heart to feel the beat, hoping that she could be able to see me, to figure me out by diffusion. to be close enough for long enough that she would just get me. finish my sentences, dissect my thoughts, empathize with my pains, know the right words to say.
a malicious word right now would just cut my heart.
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