i guess the thing about Christians is that we're not exempt from the things that everyone else goes through. for the most part, we find ourselves in the same circumstances, temptations, issues, and frustrations as just about everyone, and that's just the result of being in the human race. but if Christians don't live any differently or handle the same situations as those who aren't Christian, then the real question is whether the Christian faith really makes a difference. because if there is no distinction, then faith seems futile.
while that entire first paragraph was all that i intended to write, i guess i'll elaborate a little, so this entry can be more than a couple sentences. i find it a little odd to think that i'm actually the leader of a campus ministry. i'm a leader in my church youth group and i play guitar in our worship band. i've been on several mission trips, even serving as a small group leader. i served as a leader for a high school Christian club, organizing events and leading Bible studies, even speaking at chapel to our entire high school my senior year. i have shown up in random newsletters across the nation and i think i even got a shoutout at a conference in Philadelphia. there are a couple of really cool people who might even look up to me spiritually.
i say what i have not to brag, but to say i think it's ridiculous that i can even be someone associated with the Christian faith, and yet not respond differently to the same stress, pressure, and temptation that everyone else goes through. and that, when no one else is looking, i am all too often a slave to the things of this world and essentially deny God for something else. sexual impurity, hatred, judgment, apathy, complacency. and just because i can put some words together doesn't mean anything, or because i can play a guitar at the front of a church or have been privileged to be in the positions that i've been in. i guess what i'm trying to say is that what really matters is what i do, and what i do when no one is watching, when it's only God and me.
and it's incredible that i can be two different people - someone who has surrendered to God and then someone who is selfish and hardened towards God.
we are supposed to be different. the Bible makes this unmistakable - that we are supposed to be divorced to this world, using unforgiving terms like crucified and dead. we really are supposed to be different. John says that others shouldn't even understand what we are saying or why we do what we do - like we're speaking a different language and they can't hear us.
---
can you feel it? it's the shake of a generation that refuses to live according to the patterns of this world, that aren't conformed to what we've been raised to believe and live for. all that was once important is like rubbish if God isn't present. a prestigious degree, career, or salary, a beautiful and fulfilling wife, anything material that one could ask for - this generation would trade it all away for a day in the presence of God. it just takes a day to realize that there's more than meets the eye - just a day or even a single moment for the cry of one's heart and soul to be amplified, to reach the depths of heaven, to receive the touch of God and echo for the rest of a lifetime. just a moment, a glimpse of reality (and not reality like we believe it is), to shatter everything, to see everything else as foolishness and futility compared to running in the courts of God like a little kid with reckless abandon, a ball of energy and joy, amazed at the presence and the majesty and glory of the King, the Father we thought we never had.
---
speaking of which, it's Father's Day weekend. i read in the paper that Obama grew up without his dad - his dad left when he was 2, and then he saw him once more in his life when he was 10. i guess i just think that's shocking.
for an update on me, i'm still job hunting (and it kinda stinks because there's only 2 months left in the summer! i can't believe it, and yet it will still seem like so long). i've been messing around with programming (Flash/actionScript), been working with some Bible studies with some exciting results. went on a float trip today and got a bit sunburned, but i think what bugged me more was just being exhausted. 9 mile ride? i didn't think it would be so bad. throw on top an online class (hopefully) at the beginning of july, and i can't wait for the next semester to start. i don't know if i'm going to try to grab a better paying job than tutoring, or maybe i can just up my hours.
anyways, that's it for me. couple of late nights this past week, but nothing too brutal. hope you guys are doing well. leave comments or something!
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
soft
i feel a little soft now, the kind of mood where you could tell me anything and i would listen, where i play Mat Kearney in the background, feel as if i am on the verge of meaningless tears, seem fragile and delicate, like a flower in a storm or a child lost in a city.
dad, can you hear me? can you even see me? do you even care?
God, save me. i don't want to go to church if i don't see You. i don't want to fall asleep if i don't find myself in Your arms, under Your gaze, lost in Your eyes, lost in You someone so madly in love, that i can't shake You despite my constant struggling and wrestling. i can't make it through the rest of tonight unless i meet You here, unless You reveal Yourself and speak precious words to me and hedge me in that we can finally work things out.
---
while sometimes i make things so complicated, in a moment of desperation, nothing could be more simple.
God, i need to know that You're there.
i need to feel You tonight.
i need You closer.
i'm tired and weary - take this burden off of me.
i feel lost and misguided,
disoriented, broken-hearted.
i just need to know You're there.
i want to see You smile over me.
i want to hear You say, "you're my son.
kill the fatted calf, I want to celebrate you.
I love You so much more. I want You so much more.
I'm pleased.
you don't have to do anything more,
be anything more,
know anything more.
just rest in this moment.
just know this.
know that i'm pleased."
and nothing could ever matter more than this. Christianity is either completely wrong and of no importance, or truth and of infinite significance. the one thing it can't be is moderate importance.
dad, can you hear me? can you even see me? do you even care?
God, save me. i don't want to go to church if i don't see You. i don't want to fall asleep if i don't find myself in Your arms, under Your gaze, lost in Your eyes, lost in You someone so madly in love, that i can't shake You despite my constant struggling and wrestling. i can't make it through the rest of tonight unless i meet You here, unless You reveal Yourself and speak precious words to me and hedge me in that we can finally work things out.
---
while sometimes i make things so complicated, in a moment of desperation, nothing could be more simple.
God, i need to know that You're there.
i need to feel You tonight.
i need You closer.
i'm tired and weary - take this burden off of me.
i feel lost and misguided,
disoriented, broken-hearted.
i just need to know You're there.
i want to see You smile over me.
i want to hear You say, "you're my son.
kill the fatted calf, I want to celebrate you.
I love You so much more. I want You so much more.
I'm pleased.
you don't have to do anything more,
be anything more,
know anything more.
just rest in this moment.
just know this.
know that i'm pleased."
and nothing could ever matter more than this. Christianity is either completely wrong and of no importance, or truth and of infinite significance. the one thing it can't be is moderate importance.
Monday, June 08, 2009
confidence
a more formal post i wrote about a week ago. a bit of rambling, but a bit not. no real resolution though
---
this past january, i road-tripped with a couple of friends to Dallas for something called the EPIC anthology conference, for EPIC (the Asian American movement of campus crusades for Christ) movements around the central region to get together and urge each other on in their Christian walks. one of the days, we split off by gender and had something called Men's Time for an hour or two, which consisted of a main speaker and then a panel of guys that asked and answered questions regarding manhood.
one of the questions that one of the guys on the panel threw out was "what is something that you wish someone had told you earlier?" like what is something you wish you knew before (fill in the blank) happened.
i've been reading around in Donald Miller's To Own a Dragon and Miller writes that guys who grow up fatherless don't usually get affirmation from their dads. they do not realize that they belong, that they are just as manly as any other guy despite their upbringing, they lack that affirmation and consequently end up confused or insecure or feeling like they are at an impossible disadvantage than from those who grew up with dads.
it's like a hole inside of somebody.
i hope this doesn't come off like a rant or complaint or simple selfishness, but i wish someone had told me that i belonged. that i could be confident, that i could do anything i set my mind to. i wish someone had said, "you know what to do. so just go ahead and do it. it doesn't matter if you're any less qualified than someone else - you know what's right, and you can do it, and there's no reason you can't." instead, it is almost second nature for me to submit to someone else - not to take the lead, but to divert all attention from me and hand up responsibility to someone else.
in basketball, i can be perfectly open to shoot, but it is confidence that keeps me from shooting, even when i know i can sink a shot. it has become completely automatic to think about where i can pass, and so often the thought of being the one who actually scores the points does not cross my mind. in class, i can know an answer, be certain of it, and be unwilling to say anything. in high school, i refused to wear any kind of tie that expressed some bit of individuality - i wore solid colors and stripes for four years because i didn't want to stick out. i wanted to fit in, to render myself faceless in a world of others so eager to make names for themselves. i ate lunch by myself, and hardly cared - i was even amused when people sat down at my table just because they thought i was bothered to be eating by myself...then i just stopped eating in the cafeteria.
this isn't a sob story - or at least it shouldn't be. i don't exactly want your sympathy. i guess i just wish that someon told me i wasn't inferior, that i didn't have to spend my whole life questioning whether i was good enough for anything, overthinking motives and actions, perhaps so secretly concerned about what others thought or saw of me, because no one else seemed to see me before.
suzi told me something i hadn't heard or thought of before last night. we had gone to a couple of talent showcases over the past school semester, and i always left feeling a bit down on myself, stuck between anonymity and wanting to be someone. because i felt like that could be me up there...and yet, i also felt that that would never be me up there. suzi said that it was not that i desired to have the performers' talents, but that i deeply longed for the confidence they exhibited. it might not have even been a desire for attention from the crowd or the excellence displayed - it may have simply been knowing that someone could be so confident in themself.
instead of paying attention in church yesterday, i read through 2 peter twice. a verse caught my eye, before i started thinking about any of what i have just written - "They [those who work against the Lord] are spots and blemishes...having eyes full of adultery and that cannot cease from sin, enticing unstable souls" (2:13/14). and what stuck out were those last three words - enticing unstable souls.
confront me about a math problem, i'll usually back down, even when i know i'm right. political debates, ethical dilemmas, even fouls or outs in basketball...i'll back down. wanna fight? i'd run away before you could do anything about it. and i'd outrun you too. (ironically, the closest thing i seem to have to the popular book Wild at Heart is my running.)
and so... do i have an unstable soul? for i've tasted and seen - i'm certain that God is God, and that He deserves all of me, and i will live my life for Him even if i die trying, because that is how right and true and pure God is. and i may even wait the day when someone holds a gun to my head and asks me if i believe in God and His love, so that i might die for the only thing i believe is worth living and dying for.
but when it comes to other things, especially dealing with myself - i'm so easy to back down, whatever is the opposite of confidence. i will be confident in God, but i'm so easy to put myself down...
---little update---
a couple of weeks into summer. i've felt aimless lows and face-the-giant highs. two Bible studies started, fires stirring up in some friends, peers stepping up to lead studies. quiet times, prayer, going through the minor prophets. two or three days ago, i ran my heart out in the rain through downtown tulsa, getting lost in the process, feeling speed in my legs, putting my body on the line days after tweaking my ankle. at the end, i threw my hands to the sky and thanked God, for i haven't run like that in months. God knows how much i like rain.
---
this past january, i road-tripped with a couple of friends to Dallas for something called the EPIC anthology conference, for EPIC (the Asian American movement of campus crusades for Christ) movements around the central region to get together and urge each other on in their Christian walks. one of the days, we split off by gender and had something called Men's Time for an hour or two, which consisted of a main speaker and then a panel of guys that asked and answered questions regarding manhood.
one of the questions that one of the guys on the panel threw out was "what is something that you wish someone had told you earlier?" like what is something you wish you knew before (fill in the blank) happened.
i've been reading around in Donald Miller's To Own a Dragon and Miller writes that guys who grow up fatherless don't usually get affirmation from their dads. they do not realize that they belong, that they are just as manly as any other guy despite their upbringing, they lack that affirmation and consequently end up confused or insecure or feeling like they are at an impossible disadvantage than from those who grew up with dads.
it's like a hole inside of somebody.
i hope this doesn't come off like a rant or complaint or simple selfishness, but i wish someone had told me that i belonged. that i could be confident, that i could do anything i set my mind to. i wish someone had said, "you know what to do. so just go ahead and do it. it doesn't matter if you're any less qualified than someone else - you know what's right, and you can do it, and there's no reason you can't." instead, it is almost second nature for me to submit to someone else - not to take the lead, but to divert all attention from me and hand up responsibility to someone else.
in basketball, i can be perfectly open to shoot, but it is confidence that keeps me from shooting, even when i know i can sink a shot. it has become completely automatic to think about where i can pass, and so often the thought of being the one who actually scores the points does not cross my mind. in class, i can know an answer, be certain of it, and be unwilling to say anything. in high school, i refused to wear any kind of tie that expressed some bit of individuality - i wore solid colors and stripes for four years because i didn't want to stick out. i wanted to fit in, to render myself faceless in a world of others so eager to make names for themselves. i ate lunch by myself, and hardly cared - i was even amused when people sat down at my table just because they thought i was bothered to be eating by myself...then i just stopped eating in the cafeteria.
this isn't a sob story - or at least it shouldn't be. i don't exactly want your sympathy. i guess i just wish that someon told me i wasn't inferior, that i didn't have to spend my whole life questioning whether i was good enough for anything, overthinking motives and actions, perhaps so secretly concerned about what others thought or saw of me, because no one else seemed to see me before.
suzi told me something i hadn't heard or thought of before last night. we had gone to a couple of talent showcases over the past school semester, and i always left feeling a bit down on myself, stuck between anonymity and wanting to be someone. because i felt like that could be me up there...and yet, i also felt that that would never be me up there. suzi said that it was not that i desired to have the performers' talents, but that i deeply longed for the confidence they exhibited. it might not have even been a desire for attention from the crowd or the excellence displayed - it may have simply been knowing that someone could be so confident in themself.
instead of paying attention in church yesterday, i read through 2 peter twice. a verse caught my eye, before i started thinking about any of what i have just written - "They [those who work against the Lord] are spots and blemishes...having eyes full of adultery and that cannot cease from sin, enticing unstable souls" (2:13/14). and what stuck out were those last three words - enticing unstable souls.
confront me about a math problem, i'll usually back down, even when i know i'm right. political debates, ethical dilemmas, even fouls or outs in basketball...i'll back down. wanna fight? i'd run away before you could do anything about it. and i'd outrun you too. (ironically, the closest thing i seem to have to the popular book Wild at Heart is my running.)
and so... do i have an unstable soul? for i've tasted and seen - i'm certain that God is God, and that He deserves all of me, and i will live my life for Him even if i die trying, because that is how right and true and pure God is. and i may even wait the day when someone holds a gun to my head and asks me if i believe in God and His love, so that i might die for the only thing i believe is worth living and dying for.
but when it comes to other things, especially dealing with myself - i'm so easy to back down, whatever is the opposite of confidence. i will be confident in God, but i'm so easy to put myself down...
---little update---
a couple of weeks into summer. i've felt aimless lows and face-the-giant highs. two Bible studies started, fires stirring up in some friends, peers stepping up to lead studies. quiet times, prayer, going through the minor prophets. two or three days ago, i ran my heart out in the rain through downtown tulsa, getting lost in the process, feeling speed in my legs, putting my body on the line days after tweaking my ankle. at the end, i threw my hands to the sky and thanked God, for i haven't run like that in months. God knows how much i like rain.
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