it's almost 3, and i know i'll be feeling that pain 6 hours from now when i wake up, but someone nearly asked for a post, so i'm going to give it. and though i feel like writing something profound and intriguing, i'm not sure i have anything deep and intriguing so far.
going through school - it's only the fourth week, and i feel like i'm beginning to struggle. the days pass by and i allow myself to be late to my classes again. all i do is try to get by - time moves too hard, and i feel as though i begin to lose control. i follow the motions and do as the world would have me do... i miss out on the day. i spend the week working so that, in the end, i might get to work some more at a higher level.
one of my friends from youth group messaged me a couple of days ago saying that she was having a hard time getting through high school - it was just too much homework, too much to do. and i could really say that i felt the same way, and the only way i got through it was looking forward to youth group on Fridays and Sundays. that was the one thing i looked forward to throughout the week, and it actually made the difference. i could get through the entire school week just waiting for Friday night when we would get together again; there were school weeks when i could feel so close to Friday night on Wednesdays. youth group events like conferences and lock-ins could excite me for weeks in advance and leave me buzzing for weeks afterwards. about a month before going to Mexico City for my first mission trip, i was going through a rough time - and just the simple idea of going to Mexico City was enough to pull me out of that frustration and excite me. i had progressed from the joys of fellowship to the joy of worshiping God to the joy of living with God - it was God 24/7 those two weeks in Mexico.
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i realize i fail as a representative of Christ. even my heart fails, my desire to know God seems to fail. time and time again, i send another nail through His body into the cross, i sell Him out for some money and a quick satisfaction, a bowl of soup in exchange for the inheritance of an eternal, unshakeable kingdom. if you saw what i did in secret, you would shake your head and say "you're not Christ like." if you saw the grade i made on my computer science project due tonight, you might stop and wonder whether i truly am who i say i am.
there's a myth that Christians have everything down, a myth that i find myself believing a lot of the time. because really, what exactly does a grade have to say about my faith? is my faith legit because i have a grade? what does a resume really say about my soul?
if i had an unlimited amount of money, i would give it away, first because i wouldn't be happy, and second to show someone that it wouldn't make them happy.
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i hear the voices of people around me. some i listen to, others i don't. and for some reason, i seem to usually listen to the negative ones, the ones that discourage me and anger me. why is that?
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my dad started going to church again. i'm not exactly sure why, but it's a pretty good thing that he's going. one summer morning, before coming to OU, i woke up trying to think of the word "volatile," thinking my home situation was like that. dangerous, like it could explode any second.
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