things lately (battle of grace and pride)

apologies again for the scarcity of posts. the days seem to be rolling off, and spring break is closing in fast. two tests this week, an unending flow of homework, and supposedly two recording sessions for a guitar player here at OU. things...have been a little interesting lately, but i'm not sure how relevant or significant they really have been.

i don't really know what's been going on lately, but today has been a good day. Restoration prayed last night and i played guitar and i think i began to really desire to fall in love with God again, or that desire was put in me, i'm not really sure.

i was reminded of a song earlier today called Worlds Apart, by Jars of Clay, and a line from the chorus reads: "The battle between grace and pride, I gave up not so long ago." i thought about it on a run, in which i started out too fast and was getting shin splints within the first two miles...and began to realize that when the lines from the song mentioned battling between grace and pride, when we choose pride, it is like trying to establish our own righteousness, trying to say that we can do things on our own. grace, much the opposite, is unearned, and is not highlighted by what we have done but what we have received.

it's been a while since i really remarked that i can't do anything on my own. when i run, it's stupid to think i am running to be faster than other people. when i study, it's pointless if my motive is to be smarter than other people or have higher incomes which somehow justifies myself. Romans 14:4 says "Who are you to judge another's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand."

i can do nothing of my own strength. why consider it my own strength, my own works, then? especially if we all answer to God, and God makes each of us personally to stand or fall before Him. i was thinking about this when i was running, so i was thinking in a running context. each step is because of God, each bit of strength is because God provides. why then do i spite other runners, because it is God providing them with their steps just as He provides for me? and why then spite other runners because of their hearts? who cares if they are proud about it? each of us individually will be made to stand or fall to our masters.

just because God provides the strength and the grace to run though, doesn't mean that we can make wrong choices. if i choose to go out too fast, i will have a more difficult time in the long run. God's grace is sufficient, and it covers our mistakes, but we shouldn't continue to commit stupid mistakes. after going out too fast the first couple times... experience gathers and we should realize the importance of smart decisions. but it is no doubt a learning process.

God will provide the strength that we need, and each step will always be because of Him, but our decisions still play a role in the run. to extend the analogy, any kind of step is because of God - even in desiring after God. God provides the strength to draw near to Him and God provides the strength to draw away from Him. everything goes by His consent, nothing goes without His knowledge or notice. well, when we pray or when we try to get ourselves or others psyched up about God...that is not even from us either. it goes back to the battle between grace and pride - pride says we can do nothing on our own, grace says we can be used by God to spread His righteousness, but as vessels. everything still must flow from God.

this is bit of a big deal on a personal level for me, and on a larger level because i have wanted to be involved in leading youth group for a while now, and it's time that i realize or re-realize that it's not because of me, and it is to my privilege that i would get to be put into that position, but even that is because God has chosen me to be the recipient of His grace in that area. if i really desire to see God work in our youth group or in my life... it will come from God. it will not come from me. "Every good gift and every perfect is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights" (James 1:17). we cannot will it ourselves. we can choose, but it is God who is the substance of our choices and our prayers. it is by God that we have any strength to draw near to Him.

i used to remark a lot about a track workout i had a year ago, when we were running repeats of some kind, and i was spent or maxed out when we were only about halfway through the workout. like i was seriously dying. but i continued to max out, and after each repetition, i would grow more and more fatigued and weak. somehow, though, there was this energy that got me through it. but i promise it wasn't my energy.

and maybe what i like so much about that workout is because that's what reality is like sometimes. we're already maxed out, we're weak and we have nothing left within us, nothing working for us. and at that point, all that is left was whether to continue to spend my all or compromise to pain. i made a choice - that was it. God did the rest. each step came from Him. i made a choice, but God was the substance of that decision, God was the One who put my desire into action.

and it's the same way when we pray. we pray, but God is the One who intercedes for us, God is the One who responds and chooses whether or not to fill our hearts with our desires. when we might pray for guidance, for vision, for desire, God is the One who might put that within us. but we are just vessels, shaped by the Creator for His glory, to enjoy Him and be close to Him. a battle between grace and pride, whether we will consider ourselves vessels or gods ourselves.