sick

umm, i don't know if i am really willing to write this post.

there's a lot of crap going on in my own life lately, i think, and i've been struggling with God. i'm back home this short weekend, and there's a lot of crap going on in my church as well, at least i feel that way. we get distracted so easily, our focus isn't even on God when we walk into church functions. no offense, and i know i'm being incredibly hypocritical at the same time, but we should leave our agendas at the door when we walk into church. church is for God, it's even the body of God that He has created for Himself to delight in, so when we enter church, we should really focus on Him instead of ourselves.

i put words to it last night, that i think what we really need to get us through the day is...not a focus on ourselves, but a focus on God. focusing on ourselves - focusing on the things that we do so well or even the things that we don't do so well, our grades or our possessions or our social life or anything. focusing on ourselves is not big enough to free us from burdens and pains and problems that these things probably generated in the first place. focusing on how good my grades are won't justify me and make me feel better and focusing on how bad my grades are will only worsen my conception of myself.

but focusing on God changes things. God makes all these promises that in Him, you can find life and truth and sustenance, courage, joy, peace, all these things. all your desires, all your hope, all your strength. God promises these things, and to touch the heart of God means to touch a piece of life, to touch a piece of love. so when we really need something to get us through the day...it's not a focus on ourselves that changes anything. but it's God that changes us...and it might not change the circumstance, but it'll certainly change our perspectives. God won't necessarily change our grades so that they're all A's (though there's no reason He couldn't), but at least God will change the way you and your heart view grades so that whether or not you have all A's, you will understand that everything will be okay. that's a lot better answer than just studying your butt off so you might be able to justify yourself in your own eyes.

and i want to suggest that it is only by the real work of God that things can really change for the better. we can change things a million different ways with our own hands, but it won't really change us. we switch from Xanga to Myspace to Facebook, and Facebook will be replaced by something else, and we never satisfy ourselves. we jump from the hottest trend to the next, one addiction after another. in the same way, church can switch between a million different models and songs and pastors and draw all sorts of numbers and good works, but if it's not God, it is just grasping for the wind, the corruptible work of man.

sorry if this is coming out as offensive, but i sorta feel this way right now, even if i know i might not fully believe it myself or to any kind of real depth.

i don't know. billy and i are playing worship tomorrow. and it would be great if we had a miracle. our whole church, it seems, needs a breakthrough. we need to be re-aligned and re-focused with the heart of God, so that we can at least serve Him and bless Him when we meet on Sundays, even if that's all we ever do. i'd rather be a sweet smelling sacrifice in a small task than to go out and do great things and lose my soul. interestingly enough, if God is simply the reason why we are alive, and the meaning of our lives is to love God and be with God...then it doesn't exactly matter what we're doing. it's a mindset, a paradigm, a lifestyle - "i will stop at nothing to be close to God. i am willing to do anything and drop everything in my life to be close to God, because that was all i was created for." that's how someone could die to the world and die to sin and yet never turn around to the loss and chaos around them and never blink - because they will be so focused on God at that time that they would literally be one. that person would very literally be completed by God.

but we go to church and we go to Sunday school and all we do is socialize. we never take our eyes or our lives of ourselves... and this seems kinda dooming or hopeless, and it certainly feels that way to me sometimes, but we should not hesitate to remember that God provides the breakthrough and is still loving all of us through this. somehow, in His own timing, He will still get to the heart of us, and He'll keep us from falling too far away from Him. anyways, my prayer is that we would really just patiently and humbly serve God tomorrow, and to be a sweet smelling sacrifice, even if nothing big happens. yeah, even if nothing big happens, expectation or not, emotion or not. if we can exalt Your name tomorrow morning, that would simply be enough.

and here's the hard part for me to write.

i am really socially inept. i feel that way, anyways. i have been thinking a lot about relationships lately, and it's frustrating most of the time, and sometimes i think it causes me not be so close to God. but i don't know how long i can keep my composure and pretend like nothing is going on. i pretend to be composed and cool and even careless, but...inside, it is like i am consumed by desire, and sometimes i fear it is desire for the wrong reasons. i fear it is replacing God with relationship, so i shy away and remind myself there is a very distinct need to focus on God. but that doesn't work. my heart doesn't listen to my mind.

i think i'm going to ruin myself.