not really sure what to say

hey guys, it's been a while since i've posted up here. not much is really going on. today is Thanksgiving, which meant a lot of food and relaxing. spent about five hours of last night finishing up an essay that was due at midnight, so today i'm just hanging out. started doing programming problems again from the USA Computing Olympiad (i'm not legal since i'm out of high school, but i can still do them now that i know how) and just reading Thr3e by Ted Dekker. Black Friday is tomorrow, and rather than shop, i'm planning on running around on 71st. weather was pretty good today, though it was in the 30's yesterday. not really doing anything now, so i was just looking at the Chicago Marathon...7:15 pace will qualify me for Boston. just need to up the mileage.

anyways, i must admit i'm kind of scared to post anything up here. apparently a couple more people than just billy read this.

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i wrote that on Thanksgiving, never really finished the post, so i'm putting it up now. back to OU from home, things are different. it really is weird...back in the rhythm of things, in the privacy of being lost in a crowd (i don't know how to explain it...maybe just not being "home"), it becomes so much easier to pray and to believe in God. i know faith shouldn't be circumstantial, but this is the case, and i'm at least glad for the intimacy that is being rejuvenated.

we had a prayer meeting on Sunday night, the Restoration group (ask me about it sometime if interested) and we spent a while just praying about enjoying the Lord. not striving, not beating ourselves up to get to Him, not wanting to pray for the sake of praying or for whatever other sakes there are. not counting it burden or obligation, but just trying to enjoy God. in light of recent events, i learned maybe that i trivialize grace too much. i'm too freaked out at things, and if i am not reading my Bible every waking moment or not in a deep prayer conversation, i think things are wrong, or that i have failed God, or God is upset with me. apparently this is the kind of behavior, at an extremity, that yields... well, you know. distance.

the necessity to do things to earn God's approval or even to earn your own approval (as in "now I can approach God") cannot be satisfied. the actions become more important than the heart until finally, you're doing everything that you're supposed to be doing, but you've lost all momentum and all velocity. you might even be moving backward. instead of living, you've forgotten. instead of letting yourself come alive, you've fallen trying to come alive on your own and out of shame, only fall deeper.

anyways, yeah. i think i'm gonna try to take a break from Blogger. things are going fine, i just think i'm going to stop posting for a little while (not that you'll probably be able to tell. i hardly post anymore anyways). came back from Thanksgiving break in Tulsa, which was great, now i'm just working on three weeks of school before oneThing and the Call at IHOP in Kansas City. math test tomorrow, the design for a project due in computer science, and a writing assignment in EXPO writing due tomorrow, not to mention some scholarship apps. today was good.

Romans 12 is also pretty good.

maybe it's me, but things in the Bible seem to have a lot to do with food. Esau lost his inheritance to Jacob because he gave his birthright for some stew, and their father Isaac ended up blessing Jacob because he asked for fine food (just the way he liked it) and Jacob delivered.

even in Romans, Paul tells us not to judge each other in terms of food. he says that there are people who eat everything - these are the ones that are full of the Holy Spirit (pun intended). and then he says there are some who eat some things and refrain from eating other things - these are kind of like beginners, who have just started eating. he says those who eat everything shouldn't despise those who don't eat everything and vice versa. "Who are you to judge another's servant? To his own master he stands or falls." i'm not very sure what that means.

a couple verses later, paul says that whoever eats, eats to the Lord, and whoever doesn't eat, doesn't eat to the Lord. i don't think that's a connection to the above paragraph. kinda makes me hungry though.