girls

everything has been chaos lately. okay, not necessarily chaos, just really busy. really quick. over a span of three days, i have averaged about five hours of sleep, going to sleep at 2 at the earliest and 3:30 at the latest. i have logged about two four hour straight programming sessions, and about ten total, and i have skipped two chemistry lectures doing so. so...you know the funny thing is i feel like crying. i feel like being mad, because it's like i end up spending so much effort and all of this time on something, and it hardly works, and even if it did work, it wouldn't have been worth it. i mean, the A would have been great, and honestly, i would probably be seriously irked if i didn't get an A and i might secretly care a great deal, but... it's not worth it. when you spend almost as much of your day on homework as you do sleeping. it's whack.

i've heard that there are people who go through their entire lives without working a single day, even though they go to work every day and have inevitable responsibility. but that they enjoy all of it so much that they don't think it's work. it's what they want to be doing, it's what they take joy in, where they come alive.

our lives are delicate. we're fragile. words cut like fire, cruel actions give way to crueler backlash. we won't let ourselves be hurt or wronged. we won't let ourselves look weak or vulnerable, we won't cry out. we won't admit anything's wrong, we won't share our lives, we won't believe things will be all right so we freak out at a bad grade, at a bad day, at a bad moment. we won't let ourselves be lesser than someone. we won't let someone else control us. we have to be in control. we have to be better than everyone else.

our lives are delicate. one wrong step and we're done. in a relationship, one bad move could mean the end. one mistake, one sentence, one thing could ruin everything. and yet, when grace and mercy are our redeemers, we only dig ourselves deeper, farther into the abyss, into the cracks in the ground. we take more and more wrong steps, our stumbling and failure only more frequent, more violent, more heart breaking, more significant. this is why we need something bigger than us.