for those of you who might actually still read this, there's a good chance you don't know how i've been doing lately. not to say i've been a social recluse, but i feel like i'm not really that well connected to a large number of people. i've got a couple of people who have really grown close to me over the past month or two, for which i'm greatly thankful.
i remember believing that God opened the door for me to be an RA last year. i remember missing the deadline to apply to get into the RA class, and yet i got in through Daniel Kao. then i remember getting "waitlisted" for the position, only to find out several months later that i was extended a Safewalk position, which many agree is an awesome position. this year, my living situation is much of the same. i've been living with three other guys from CRU, who i deeply respect. it really has been amazing - and they've really kept me accountable, as well as just provided me with male companionship that i feel so lacking in my life. we pretend to rap and go on runs and watch poker or college football together, none of which is particularly unbelievable or groundbreaking. but it's groundbreaking for me.
additionally, i've been meeting with 2 other Asian guys on a weekly basis, and it's been incredibly encouraging. i'm not the one teaching, but am one of the students. but we've been talking about the Bible, using the Bible, and it's actually really changed my view of the Bible and how i read it. it's allowed me to really get into the Bible more deeply than in the immediate past, and i've enjoyed going through 1/2 Peter and 1/2 Corinthians. the other 2 guys have been outstanding, in their prayer, support, and affirmation of me, and i find that i can be vulnerable and myself as i'm around them.
one thing i've learned lately is that i used to always reason that my walk with God would be better if i was surrounded by other Asian believers. i would simply feel more at home, i would fit in, i would have a ministry that i could be plugged in to that would equip me to lead and grow more comfortably. now that i've known some Asian-American believers with the start of this semester, i realize that i haven't necessarily changed at all. i realize that i was really just making excuses based on my immediate circumstances, while circumstances should never be an excuse for one's faith level or walk with God.
i've also been going through a Revival devotional with Suzi, one of those 5 days a week devotionals. it's actually been good, and i've definitely felt the call to repentance and to know that obedience is a love issue. obedience flows out of love, and disobedience flows out of a failure to love. we've also spent some time at Barnes and Noble the past two nights, which means i've had the chance to read about a half of the Great Divorce by CS Lewis, which is a kind of fiction essay in which people from hell get on a bus and go to heaven. reading about the various delusions that the people from hell have, as well as some of their self-centeredness, has only opened my eyes to my own level of selfishness and how something as simple as running could get in the way of what life is really all about. in the book, Lewis writes how some get so obsessed and bogged down with answering questions about God or trying to prove Him, that they couldn't care less about God Himself. some turned to things like running or painting with noble means, initially, but then make it all about that, to the point of refusing to walk with God for that pursuit.
there are some other relational things going on, that cause me to think in terms of urgency. as we would have said years ago, i feel the necessity to "man up," to get my head on straight, to run for broke, with everything i have. clearly, God's calling isn't easy. it's a narrow road. and no one gets by simply by willpower. faith by grace and works go hand in hand. but too often, i find that i don't run the way i want to run. i don't live the way i want to live. i simply give myself to my most shallow, lustful desires - and am left in regret. (and to live without regrets is not to do whatever you want to do, but to do what you know you need to do.) i find that my heart is broken down and something to be ashamed of, and i find that God is in the business of touching hearts. but not for my sake. i find that my life is not about making a better me, but it's about glorifying God and knowing Him, walking with Him, learning what it means to be in relationship with Him. and i find that the only way i am brought closer to Him is not because of anything that i do, but everything that He does on my behalf.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Saturday, October 02, 2010
weakness
on days or weeks like this, it's hard to pretend like i'm strong or moral, or really have anything to brag about. maybe that's why the opening lines of the Heart of Worship seemed to go so far and resonate - "When the music fades and all is stripped away." though we only had a four day week of school this past week thanks to a fall break, i was consumed by various things.
my team lead was leaving and i was supposed to step up and fill the position. it was a week of transition and meetings and being afraid that i didn't have the competency or understanding to fill the role. at the same time, i was supposed to hear back from 2 companies as to whether i would go on to do on-site interviews in Austin/Madison, Wisconsin, and i was somewhat freaking out over my future and where i would end up. also, my hormones were honestly pretty raging. each night was a fight, a battle, and ultimately, i didn't win. i think i fought harder than i normally do or have to, but i didn't "win."
as i drove home to tulsa, i heard a sermon excerpt of a guy from Church at Battle Creek saying how religion is this idea that we can make the way or pave the path to salvation all by our own, and Christianity is unique because Jesus comes along and says that He alone is the way (as well as the truth and the life). and how, with the life that Jesus lived, He essentially made salvation possible. no one else really did that, or would have been foolish enough to do that. it's similar to me saying that i lived such a great life that i could save and redeem other people - not just myself, but others - regardless of who they are. and that people won't be saved for anything that they did, but for the life that i lived for them, on their behalf. that is an incredible statement, but that's really who Christians believe that Jesus is.
i don't feel qualified on any level. i don't feel right to say "this is what God has been teaching me," or that He has my whole heart. i really just feel like a failure, but from hearing some people speak and reading a book called Reason for God, by Tim Keller, this is because i'm embracing religion, rather than the true gospel. because religion is based on morality and how good i am and how infrequently i consciously make sinful choices, and that can only lead to depression and despair or pride, arrogance, and self-righteousness. but living based on the gospel is humbling because it acknowledges my own failures and inability to do anything about them or even to stop messing up, but it's also empowering in that i can have confidence that God's covenant towards me isn't going anywhere - it's stable, it's solid, it's already done.
and i have the fortunate experience of people around me telling me what a great Christian guy i am, that they really see God in me, and i hope that really is true and not something that deceives me and makes me puffed up. but i also have to wonder, what of all this struggling? and though i've repented and known my weaknesses and confessed them and wished that they would cease, do i not still seem to return to my own vomit? my old idols, the things i despised so passionately before, only to later act as if i needed them, desperate for their consolation, oblivious to God above me.
i guess my head is just a giant mess right now. i seem to have a bunch of conflicting desires - a bunch of conflicting, selfish desires. i don't often make the right choices, i don't often do what i know i need to do. and i guess, at the end of it all, no one will be saying that i had everything down. no one will speak of my morality or my character or my purity, for i really won't have any. praise God He sees the heart and not the outside. but please, God, rid this heart of everything not of You, everything that enslaves me to sin and keeps me from praising Your name and giving all of myself for Your name's sake. here i am, God, change me. desperately i need You, all of You, and desperately i acknowledge that i am just a ball of mess, of perversion, of sickness and weakness and inability. even on my best day, my best hour, i have nothing of worth to offer You or this world. i need to be rescued of myself and this world.
my team lead was leaving and i was supposed to step up and fill the position. it was a week of transition and meetings and being afraid that i didn't have the competency or understanding to fill the role. at the same time, i was supposed to hear back from 2 companies as to whether i would go on to do on-site interviews in Austin/Madison, Wisconsin, and i was somewhat freaking out over my future and where i would end up. also, my hormones were honestly pretty raging. each night was a fight, a battle, and ultimately, i didn't win. i think i fought harder than i normally do or have to, but i didn't "win."
as i drove home to tulsa, i heard a sermon excerpt of a guy from Church at Battle Creek saying how religion is this idea that we can make the way or pave the path to salvation all by our own, and Christianity is unique because Jesus comes along and says that He alone is the way (as well as the truth and the life). and how, with the life that Jesus lived, He essentially made salvation possible. no one else really did that, or would have been foolish enough to do that. it's similar to me saying that i lived such a great life that i could save and redeem other people - not just myself, but others - regardless of who they are. and that people won't be saved for anything that they did, but for the life that i lived for them, on their behalf. that is an incredible statement, but that's really who Christians believe that Jesus is.
i don't feel qualified on any level. i don't feel right to say "this is what God has been teaching me," or that He has my whole heart. i really just feel like a failure, but from hearing some people speak and reading a book called Reason for God, by Tim Keller, this is because i'm embracing religion, rather than the true gospel. because religion is based on morality and how good i am and how infrequently i consciously make sinful choices, and that can only lead to depression and despair or pride, arrogance, and self-righteousness. but living based on the gospel is humbling because it acknowledges my own failures and inability to do anything about them or even to stop messing up, but it's also empowering in that i can have confidence that God's covenant towards me isn't going anywhere - it's stable, it's solid, it's already done.
and i have the fortunate experience of people around me telling me what a great Christian guy i am, that they really see God in me, and i hope that really is true and not something that deceives me and makes me puffed up. but i also have to wonder, what of all this struggling? and though i've repented and known my weaknesses and confessed them and wished that they would cease, do i not still seem to return to my own vomit? my old idols, the things i despised so passionately before, only to later act as if i needed them, desperate for their consolation, oblivious to God above me.
i guess my head is just a giant mess right now. i seem to have a bunch of conflicting desires - a bunch of conflicting, selfish desires. i don't often make the right choices, i don't often do what i know i need to do. and i guess, at the end of it all, no one will be saying that i had everything down. no one will speak of my morality or my character or my purity, for i really won't have any. praise God He sees the heart and not the outside. but please, God, rid this heart of everything not of You, everything that enslaves me to sin and keeps me from praising Your name and giving all of myself for Your name's sake. here i am, God, change me. desperately i need You, all of You, and desperately i acknowledge that i am just a ball of mess, of perversion, of sickness and weakness and inability. even on my best day, my best hour, i have nothing of worth to offer You or this world. i need to be rescued of myself and this world.
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