take it all

Sometime in high school, i made the pivotal switch from Internet Explorer to Mozilla Firefox. Firefox had better security, multi-tabbed browsing, and a sleeker design, and who wouldn't want that? Now, years later, Firefox is still my browser of choice.

One feature that has developed with Firefox over the years is the inclusion of "plug-ins" that can be used to extend the regular functionality of Firefox. You can get add-ons for practically anything, to the point that Firefox boasts that you can "Choose from 5000 free extras ["add-ons"] to make your browser look and function the way you want." If you want to download YouTube videos or track Twitter accounts or even call for a taxi in Germany, you don't have to worry - just get the proper add-on!

And the reason I say this is because so often, we treat our lives the very same way. If we have a problem or some kind of desire, we simply reason that we just need to get an add-on to solve the problem. If I want to get into a prestigious college or get someone to like me or feel better about myself, I just need the right add-on.

I need extracurriculars and community service, I need to be funny or maybe look a certain way or have the right friends. I need to have some minimum amount of money in my bank account or a certain level of respect or to be desired by a certain number of people. And if I simply find the right add-on, I tend to assume that I will have everything that I need and I will finally be happy.
Why else would that Billionaire song be so popular? The lyrics read "I wanna be a billionaire so bad, buy all of the things I never had...I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine, smiling next to Oprah and the Queen." The singer goes on to say that he wants to see his "name in shining lights," have his own theme music everywhere he goes, and play basketball with the President (and dunk on his delegates). To be fair, the singer also says that he would give relief to New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, adopt babies like Angelina and Brad, and give money to everyone he loves so that they wouldn't be hungry.

But to be honest, when I hear that song, I don't think it's about the Katrina victims or the economy or how hard some people have it. And at the core of it, I don't think it's talking about the President or Oprah or the Queen either. It's really saying, "If I had this add-on, then I would be happy." If I could buy the things I never had before, if I was well known and desired and loved by enough people, if I gave enough money to the poor or did enough good things for humanity, then I would be happy.

And this begs the questions - will this approach to life work? Does it make people happy? Does it make people permanently happy?

Are you happy? More than that, are you satisfied?

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In this search for the right add-on, we try fame and popularity and money, and religion is no different. We use religion as something we simply add-on to our lives, focused on our own desires and satisfying our own problems and ultimately simply getting what we want. So if it's necessary, then we'll use it, and if there are parts that aren't necessary, then we'll simply ignore or avoid it. Simply put, we'll take what we want to get what we want.

dear God

dear God,

i thank You and i love You. You've seen the deepest longings of my heart, God, dealt with me in times of complete ignorance, hypocrisy, selfishness. You've been patient and merciful and gracious, abounding and overflowing and forgiving in Your grace. i ask that You would make me small, but exalt Yourself. i ask that You would show me what really matters, God, and that i would only care and regard those things. i ask that You would give me a life worth living. You're the One who breaks me down and builds me up and tells me who i am and what i need to do and how i should live my life.

i'm weak. i feel the pressures of this world and this life, i feel the desperation and the indulgence of acceptance. my brain begins to lag under the weight and fatigue. still, You're the only One who sees me, and it's been like this for years. You call me as Your own, gently, to Your peace and to Your comfort and care. at the end of the day, You're the only One i want to see me. You're the One i want to hear, saying "it's okay. I've got you. I'm holding you."

may my heart be filled with Godly sorrow, with holy dissatisfaction and pursuit, with the awe of a righteous Judge, the fright of an omnipotent King. may i be humbled, for all these false securities and facades i put up are just waiting for me to let them fall down, to expose my own weakness and dependence on the Greater One. God, how unprepared i am, how small and little, how unable and incapable i am of greater things. i have no capacity to love, to come alive, to erupt in joy over joyous things. how helpless i am in my own filth, how completely undeserving, how completely wrong to think myself worthy or deserving of any great treasures, any precious riches.

but if You are jealous for me, surely that does change everything. surely that does make my heart beat, and suddenly my nakedness before You isn't such a bad thing after all. suddenly my desperation is turned to praise, beauty given for ashes. and this done on no intellectual grounds, no rational accomplishment. but You loved, and so we may love back. You approached and pursued, so let me be still-ed. and You qualified, so let me be unashamed.